Christmas Present

Yo ho ho, its that time of year again when we have to indulge the office prat as he takes the opportunity to air his collection of Christmas knitwear, matching socks, musical ties and flashing antlers. We forget just how irritating the Christmas ‘classic’ hits were when they were first released, as yule-time musak bombards us from dawn till dusk and we ignore the fact that we successfully managed to avoid eating a single Brussel sprout since last year.

While I would consider myself a traditionalist there are some things about Christmas that seem to survive long beyond their sell by date. I can understand people trying to recreate the family Christmases of their youth but nature dictates a certain evolution. Like most families of my generation we would be glued to the TV screen watching Top of the Pops, the Queen, falling asleep and waking up in time for the Morecambe and Wise Christmas Show, The Two Ronnies and numerous other Christmas Specials. The budgets for these shows are no longer available, the availability of so many alternative media has reduced the viewing audience and constant repetition on UKGold etc. has reduced the appeal of many of the TV blockbusters.

It would be interesting to compare this year’s Christmas listings with those of 10, 15 and 20 years ago –  It would be a brave TV Controller who would deviate from what is perceived to be a ‘winning’ format. A tough gig for those in the hot-seat for Christmas week, shuffle the times and dates for the perennial favourites, supplement the schedule with a few topical shows and recent film releases, a couple of new additions, fill in the gaps with repeats and conclude the meeting before the morning post has been delivered. 

What has changed over the years in the Christmas schedules is the advertising. Growing up, the run up to the big day viewers were bombarded with adverts for beauty products and toys. Then from Christmas Day onwards the adverts turned to holiday companies and, big store sale notices. Holidays are no longer restricted to the Summer or Winter and these slots have given way to furniture companies, weight watchers and loan sharks.

These days, the run up is food, food, perfumes, injury claims, charity appeals, sanitary products and more food – Hang on, I know that TV advertising revenue has plummeted but who buys their grannie incontinence knickers for Christmas?  

This year I have noticed in particular the increasing number of dating companies that are advertising on television. Give the salesman a mince pie for convincing some company big wig that it would be a good idea to market a dating service targeted at professionals during the traditional kid’s TV slot. How many successful professionals do they expect to be watching television at that time of day?

Listening to the radio I learned of a trend that I hadn’t heard of before, The Christmas Transfer Deadline, where courting couples ‘pledge’ to not dump their partner during the transfer window. If it hasn’t happened to you personally then you probably know someone has been jilted over the festive period and will understand how painful the experience can be.

For those of you who are looking for a new relationship I list a helpful reminder of the true meanings underlying the accepted terminology used in most personal ads that appear on dating sites.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

WOMAN SEEKING MAN

I ADORE DANCING - I like comparing handbags in the centre of the dance floor.
I'M A GREAT DANCER - I'm a stripper.
I LIKE ENTERTAINING - I used to be a stripper.
ADVENTUROUS – Nymphomaniac.
GOOD SENSE OF HUMOUR - I'm fat and will laugh at all of your jokes.
SCATTY - I'm stupid and will laugh at all your jokes.
PRACTICAL - I read 'HOUSE and HOME'.
DOWN TO EARTH - I believe what I read in 'HOUSE and HOME', and everyone lives like that.
FAITHFUL – Submissive.
CARING - Animal lover.
FUN LOVING - Disorganised, with no sense of time.
I AM A LADY of 29 YEARS OF AGE - and have been for the past decade.
I RESPECT PEOPLE - I've found religion.
OPEN MINDED AND LOVELY - So long as you agree with my point of view.
I'M A NATURAL GIRL - I've had cosmetic surgery.
EASY-GOING - I'm indecisive, but then maybe I'm not.
FLUENT IN 4 LANGUAGES - I'm an immigrant.
POSITIVE THINKING - I meditate a lot.
BUBBLY PERSONALITY - I'm fat.
OUTGOING - I never stop talking.
I ENJOY FINE WINE - I'm a snob.
I ENJOY THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE - I'm a rich snob.
GSOH - Gorgeous Sexbomb On Heat.
A BIT OF AN ADVENTURER - I experiment with different brands of breakfast cereal.
I LOVE EXPLORING LIFE - I have no idea of how to read a map.
MY STRONG POINTS ARE X,Y,Z - There's only one person going to wear the trousers round here.
I KNOW WHAT I WANT - Who cares what you want?
I'M CUTE - If your idea of cute runs to 15 stone women.
I LIKE GOING TO ROCK CONCERTS - I'm a groupie.
I LIKE TO BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER - I'm into spiritualism.
I'M A GOOD COMMUNICATOR - I send text messages to my friends a lot.
I NEED MY OWN SPACE - I'm frigid.
I LIKE TO CURL UP AND WATCH TV - And fall asleep before the first commercial break.
I AM AN ORDINARY LADY WHO IS CURIOUS ABOUT THIS STRANGE WORLD - I experiment with drugs.
I LOVE HELPING OTHERS - I'm incapable of doing anything on my own.
I LIKE TO SPEND TIME WITH MY FRIENDS - I don't have many friends.
I LIKE TO SPEND TIME WITH MY FAMILY - I don't have any friends.
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE TALLER THAN ME - I'm over 6 foot tall.
WHERE IS MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR? - forgetful optimist.
I APPRECIATE NICE THINGS - I love shopping.
I WANT NICE THINGS - The jealous type.
NO TIMEWASTERS - No man is ever going to be good enough for me.

I LOVE SHOPPING - I enjoy spending other people's money.
ARE THERE ANY REAL MEN OUT THERE? - I welcome the prospect of alien abduction.

I'M UP FOR JUST ABOUT ANYTHING - I'm desperate.

I DON'T PURSUE MEN - I'm a lesbian who needs an escort for a family wedding.

JUST LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO SHOW ME THE CITY - My friend has talked me into this stupid idea. DEPENDABLE AND WORKING TOWARDS A DREAM - I'm an idealist.

I'M SPUNKY - I have strong opinions.

I'M LAID BACK - My flat is a tip.
I'M CONSCIENTIOUS - I'm a librarian.
RESPECTABLE - Except in the bedroom.

I'M DREAMING THAT ONE DAY I WILL MEET MY PRINCE AND HE WILL LOVE ME AS I LOVE HIM - I am seeking a father lookalike.

I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL SOUL - I live in a commune.

SOME OF MY FAVOURITE TIMES ARE SPENT JUST WANDERING AROUND - I'm a bag lady.
WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND - And I'll take anything that comes my way.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE COURTSHIP PROCESS? - It'll take you 3 years to get to first base.

THE DATING SCENE HAS BEEN TOO EXTREME - I'm frigid.

I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR - but money might help make up my mind.

I'M INDEPENDENT - I'm living off my inheritance.

I'M FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT - Thanks to my 3 ex-husbands.

WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN WHO ENJOY SPORT? - I have calves like tree trunks and play hockey.

I CAN BE A LITTLE BIT SHY, BUT I WARM UP EXTREMELY QUICKLY - I get drunk real easy.

WELL ROUNDED PERSON - I'm fat.

I'M A FLIRT - And that's as far as I go.

I'M A LIFESTYLE ANALYST - I'm a hairdresser.
I LIKE WATCHING TV - I have yet to work out how to program the video.

I'M A BLAST TO HANG OUT WITH, WATCH OUT!! I'M ECCENTRIC, LOUD AND A GOOF BALL - my doctor tells me I'll be fine so long as I keep taking my medication.

I AM 30-ISH - Wrong side of 40.

A NATURAL BLONDE - Air head.

BLONDE HAIR AND BLUE EYES - It came from a bottle and I wear lenses.

I'M A MEDICAL STUDENT - Rich husband required to repay student loan.

SEEKING MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL - Cheap cosmetic surgery on tap.

I HAVE A LOT TO OFFER - If you can overlook my debts and disregard my 3 kids under 5.

I'M AN EMOTIONAL PERSON - I'm neurotic.

INTO POETRY - I suffer from depression.

INTO POPULAR MUSIC - I have a teenage child.

SOCIAL CLIMBER - clingy.
LEVEL HEADED - Boring.
I'M A SHARING PERSON - Whenever I leave my husband I always take my share.

ATTRACTIVE - Obviously not, that's why you need this ad. - Only goes for the opposite type of person.

EXTREMELY MOTIVATED - workaholic.

UPWARDLY MOBILE - I have big breasts.

ATHLETIC BODY - I have no breasts.

A SOFA BODY - Well upholstered.
MY HEART BEATS TO THE RHYTHM OF LIFE - A pity it’s not in sync with reality.
I CARE ABOUT GREEN ISSUES - My house is full of clutter waiting to be taken to the recycling tip.

I'M A CRAZY, FUN PERSON - I enjoy sending copies of me sitting on the photocopier through the internal mail.

I'M INTO YOGA - I enjoy wearing lycra but don't have the confidence to wear it in the street.

GOOD HOUSEKEEPER - I have been married three times and kept all the houses.

I GO TO THE GYM 3 TIMES A WEEK - Posing in front of a mirror is my idea of a good workout.

I LIKE TO GET BACK TO NATURE - I hug trees a lot.

KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE MONEY - Frugal with her own but great at spending yours.

STRONG FAMILY TIES - I have 5 kids from different partners.

LOVES CHILDREN - I'm pregnant and don't know who the father is.

LOVES CHILDREN AND CLUBBING - I'm pregnant and don't care who the father is.

THOUGHTFUL - Suffers from depression.

EAGER TO PLEASE - Stupid beyond belief.
THE PERENNIAL WALLFLOWER - The perennial weed.

CREATIVE - An excuse for allowing your flat to look like a tip.

WELL TRAVELLED - Has moved in and out with each of her boyfriends.

READY TO SETTLE DOWN - She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and her hormones are in overdrive.

LIKES TO HAVE A GOOD TIME - She gets drunk every time she goes out.

LIFE AND SOUL OF THE PARTY - Usually makes an ass of herself at parties.

MATURE WOMAN - She's at least 30, but looks at least 45.

YOUNG AT HEART - She's at least 35, but dresses like a teenager.

CASUAL - She dresses like a slob.

ENERGETIC - Highly strung.

DECORATED MY OWN PLACE - Her apartment resembles a pig sty.

DOG LOVER - Expect to be treated like an animal and play second fiddle to a pooch.

A MODEL FIGURE - I'm anorexic.

A GOOD FIGURE - All the right pieces but not necessarily in the right places.

AN AVERAGE FIGURE - She has cellulite.

UNDERSTANDS MEN - She's been married and divorced four times.

A GOOD SPORT - She knows 200 jokes, swears like a trooper and can drink any man under the table.

LOOKS AND DRESSES LIKE A MODEL - She's five eleven, weighs six stone and lives on lettuce leaves.

KNOWS A LOT OF INTERESTING PEOPLE - None of whom would marry her.

LOOKING FOR A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP - Over 9 months.
BEEN IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP - Under 6 months.

MAN SEEKING WOMAN I'M LOOKING FOR ... SOMEONE I CAN CLICK WITH - I'm a computer geek. A SYMPATHETIC LISTENER - Someone who agrees with my viewpoint. A WOMAN WITH A GOOD HEART - No pacemaker. A WOMAN WITH A WARM HEART - A mother substitute. SOME SUMMER FUN - My tan will probably last longer than you do. A CLASSY WOMAN - A prostitute. A VERY CLASSY WOMAN - A woman who dresses like a prostitute. A GIRL WHO KNOWS HOW TO HAVE FUN - I'm looking for a quick shag. A WOMAN OF EXPERIENCE - An older woman with no kids. A WOMAN OF SUBSTANCE - Size 14 and over. PEOPLE TELL ME I'M QUITE GOOD LOOKING - My mum tells me I'm quite PEOPLE TELL ME I'M QUITE GOOD LOOKING - My mum tells me I'm quite good looking. I'M NOT TRYING THIS AS A LAST RESORT - I'm desperate. I'VE BEEN SINGLE THROUGH CHOICE AND CIRCUMSTANCES - the only girlfriend I've ever had dumped me. I'D LIKE TO DATE A STUNNING LASS - anything with a pulse. A VIRTUOUS WOMAN - A pushover. GSOH - Got Some Obnoxious Habits. MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT - Post room assistant. SOCIAL DRINKER - 2 pints at lunchtime and 4 or 5 after work. I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE MONEY - I can juggle the balance on 10 credit cards at the same time. I'M READY TO SETTLE DOWN - I'm too old to be going to nightclubs every night. I'M AN ADRENALINE JUNKIE - I have a latent death wish. JACK THE LAD - At 33 I still enjoy doing things that most men grew out of when they reached puberty. I'M A GOOD LISTENER - If you manage to get a word in. I'M A GOOD COMMUNICATOR - I get a low user rebate on my telephone bill. THOUGHTFUL - I put the toilet seat down when I'm finished. I'M A GREAT PERSON TO BE WITH - If the room is big enough to accommodate more than one ego. I HAVE A SENSITIVE SIDE - I have yet to find it. LIFE AND SOUL OF THE PARTY - A loud-mouth when drunk. I LIKE TO LIVE CLOSE TO THE EDGE - I'm psychotic. YOUNG AT HEART - Still reads his collection of schoolboy comics. I ENJOY A HECTIC SOCIAL LIFE - I'm an alcoholic. I'M A NIGHT TIME PERSON - You can't see my acne in the dark. I'M A LOVABLE ROGUE - My ex-wife didn't quite see my infidelity that way. I'VE ACHIEVED AND EXPERIENCED A FAIR OLD AMOUNT IN MY FIRST 32 YEARS - I still live at home and have been on holiday to Benidorm 12 times with my mates. I ONLY EVER SEEM TO MEET DRUNKEN WOMEN - I hang around in bars a lot. I DABBLE IN ANTIQUES - I collect rubbish. I'M A FITNESS FANATIC - My apartment is full of smelly trainers. POLITICALLY ACTIVE - I read the manifestoes when they drop through the door. MATURE MAN - over 50 and looking for a girl half his age. PEOPLE TELL ME I'M .. X,Y,Z. - I think I am. EXTROVERT - I have no sense of shame. DISCREET - Married. I'M JUST A BIG SOFT CUDDLY TEDDY - I've been teaching primary school kids for too long. I HAVE GREAT SELF-BELIEF - Arrogant. I'M AN (any subject) ANORAK - He probably sleeps with his teddy and still tucks his shirt in his underpants. I'M AN (any subject) GURU - He definitely sleeps with his teddy and still tucks his shirt in his underpants. FLAMBOYANT - Pompous. I ENJOY THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE - I wear sandals and jewellery made from coloured beads. A GOOD LISTENER - I have nothing interesting to say. A DEEP THINKER - Indecisive. A POSITIVE THINKER - Stubborn but decisive. AN INDEPENDENT THINKER - I can talk and think at the same time. A CREATIVE THINKER - I'm a compulsive liar. A RATIONAL THINKER - My conversation can only be tolerated in small doses. A LOGICAL THINKER - I can talk for hours about nothing. I ENJOY CLASSICAL MUSIC - Presley, the Beatles, The Rolling Stones, etc. I ENJOY LITERATURE - I watch TV adaptations of the classics. WELL READ - A Daily Sport reader. WELL ORGANISED - He can throw his socks in the same drawer. DISORGANISED - He can't find his sock drawer. A NATTY DRESSER - I wear loud shirts. I'M IN SHOWBUSINESS - I'm a street entertainer. I LIVE FOR TODAY - I don't know where next month's rent is coming from. HANDSOME - Who said the mirror never lies? ENTERTAINING - I could bore the pants off a garden gnome. CASUAL - Personal hygiene is a problem for me. SOCIAL DRINKER - Binge drinker. I'M JUST AN ORDINARY FUN-LOVING GUY - I'm a trainspotter. I'VE FOUND IT VERY HARD TO MAINTAIN A RELATIONSHIP - I'm impotent. I'M A BIT OF A LONER - I was teased a lot in the showers at school. I ENJOY MY OWN COMPANY - At least no one teases me any more. ECCENTRIC - Wears garish ties with cartoon characters on them. WICKED SENSE OF HUMOUR - I've told the same joke at parties for the past 15 years. SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSMAN - Anyone who has been in the same job for more than 5 months. UNDERSTANDS WOMEN - dangerously deluded. Has been out of the game for far too long. I LIKE TO WALK ALONG THE BEACH WITH THE WIND IN MY HAIR - I'm a heavy metal freak. A REGULAR GUY - has an obsessively routine lifestyle. I'M YOUNGER THAN I LOOK - Drink does that to people. I'M OLDER THAN I LOOK - Not drinking does that to people. STRONG FAMILY TIES - Still paying maintenance to ex-wife. SEEKING KYLIE LOOKALIKE - I have pretentions beyond my status. I'M INTO GARDENING - I cut the grass when the postman complains he can't find the front door. I LOVE DANCING - I'm an embarrassment at weddings and have the co-ordination of an articulated lorry. WELL BALANCED - Moody. WELL GROOMED - Balding. DISTINGUISHED - Bald. ARTICULTAE - Dyslexic. SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT - a large beer belly. JOLLY - Grossly overweight. MY KIDS DON'T UNDERSTAND ME - A fantasist. Has no comprehension of the limitations of human existence. MY WIFE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME - Nobody understands me. MY DOG DOESN'T UNDERSTAND - There is no depths to which I will not sink to illicit sympathy. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME - I'm paranoid. I'VE BEEN WORKING OVERSEAS FOR THE LAST 6 MONTHS - I've just come out of prison. I HAVE DIFFICULTY IN COMMUNICATING MY FEELINGS - I have a stutter. DOG LOVER - I apologise in advance for the damage inflicted on your tights by my rottweiler. I'M VERY TALKATIVE - I grunt a lot. I COMMUNICATE BETTER WITH PEOPLE ONCE I GET TO KNOW THEM - People understand me better once they have learned to recognise my different grunts. I LIKE AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN - I'm tight. I'M A SPORTS FAN - I watch football. I'M A KEEN SPORTS FAN - I play for the pub football team. I'M A VERY KEEN SPORTS FAN - I supply the soap for the pub football team. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT SPORT - I manage the pub football team.

Probably the saddest part of this listing is that most of the wording was taken from actual personal ads.