Now that the financial future of MGM has been secured plans are underway to resume production of the latest in the James Bond franchise, 'Bond23', with a release set for November 2012. Unfortunately, the restructuring of the finances has meant that future plans for the intrepid secret agent will see significant changes to character, storyline and personnel.
In what is perceived to be a major change in direction that will undoubtedly upset a great many fans the next James Bond outing will be an All-Yorkshire production, shot entirely on location in Leeds, York, Scarborough and the North Yorkshire Moors. It was hoped to film the underwater sequences at Sea World in Scarborough, though these will now be filmed at The Deep in Hull.
Dame Judi Dench is being retained as M, since she claims there aren't enough decent roles for older actresses, though it was felt better that she keep the cut glass accent she has used in her previous appearances. Sean Bean steps into the shoes vacated by Daniel Craig with Sir Patrick Stewart snarling menacingly as Bond villain, Tiddles McVeigh (His mother wanted a cat), alongside fellow baddies, the Chuckle Brothers and John Simm. (Sir Ben Kingsley being deemed too expensive and Sir Ian McKellern rejected on grounds that he is a Lancastrian). In a further bid to reduce costs it has been promulgated that the entire soundtrack be a reworking of John Barry's original Bond scores played by the Black Dyke Mills Band.The initial idea had been for a title track to be performed by The Kaiser Chiefs though plans were dropped as it was decided that Bond required something more lyrically challenging than 'Na-na-na-na-na'.
MI6 HQ has now been relocated to Castle Howard near York, in keeping with the government's desire to be seen as less London-centric, yet maintaining the department's reputation for opulence and excess.
The screenplay will be a collaboration between Alan Ayckbourn and Alan Bennett on grounds that not everyone can understand what Bennett is wittering about and Ayckbourn is a lot quicker at producing scripts. (The fact that Ayckbourn has lived in Scarborough for so long and won't have far to travel excuses him from not being born in the county).
Adrian Edmondson (Young Ones) will be taking over from John Cleese as boffin extraordinaire, Q. (Who else would let Ade lose with explosives?)
Jane Horrocks will play Miss Moneypenny. Kimberley Walsh (Girl's Aloud) will be Bond's love interest with models, Nell McAndrew, Adele Stevens and actress, Jennifer Metcalfe (Hollyoaks), also contributing to the glamour. Mel B. (Spice girls) will play the token female villain, Opal Copperbotham, whose psychotic tendencies and fish fetish mean that even the sharks are scared to swim in the same water. Having formerly worked for Harry Ramsden as a fish filleter she was recruited by Tiddles McVeigh who, recognising the skilled way she handled the knife, assigned her the task of overseeing his expanding interests in North Sea fish farming.
Without giving too much of the plot away, my own spies tell me that masterly mogul McVeigh (Patrick Stewart) has 2 great passions in life, money and rhubarb. From his fortress base in Redcar Steelworks the Rhubarb Baron controls his growing empire. The missile silos have been increased to allow protective coverage of his latest acquisitions, Wembley Stadium, the 02 Arena and the Millennium Stadium which he has now converted into giant greenhouses for his prized crop. He further plans to extend the Rhubarb triangle from Bradford to Harrogate from Wakefield to Hull and from Morley to Sheffield. While The prospect of turning Harrogate and Sheffield into a rhubarb patch might be considered a major disaster there will undoubtedly be some who would say that Hull has long been overdue a make-over. Not content with these dastardly deeds McVeigh has also set his sites on turning the North York Moors into the world's largest Shopping Complex. In his way stands Sir Jimmy Savile who is funding an army of eco-warriors from his secret horde of Gold 'Jim'll fix it' badges to oppose the mighty Baron.
PLONCA (Please Leave Our Natural Countryside Alone), the campaigning group of eco-warriors and tree-huggers supported by Sir Jimmy has set up a defence HQ in the former RAF Fylingdales site, that the government have been forced to sell off as part of the MoD cutbacks. Their regular quad-bike patrols are constantly being ambushed by John Simm and his team of killer wippets. The group have also sustained heavy losses in the Rhubarb Triangle itself, which is policed by McVeigh's ruthless henchmen, the Chuckle Brothers. A large number of the Rambler's Association members as well as several government sponsored task force community police officers have also gone missing in the triangle (though this may have been due to faulty satnav systems).
In a show of defiance Paul and Barry Chuckle have kidnapped PLONCA leader (Brian Blessed) and suspended him upside down from Bempton Cliffs, leaving him to the mercy of the birds.
Parliament recognising the destabilising effect that the ultimate shopping experience would have on the British economy if all the shoppers suddenly descended upon Whitby and Goathland; the devastation it would bring to the countryside and the traffic that would see the A64 busier than the M25, have done what they usually do in such circumstances and passed the buck to MI6, or as it is now known 'HSBC MI6 Direct'. The Ministry in turn has called upon 007 to save the national park, destroy the Rhubarb Triangle, restore the iconic stadiums to their former glory and if at all possible stop Brian Blessed from scaring the bird population. They have also drafted in some of the countries top trackers, elite members of the Jehovah's Witness, to help find the lost ramblers.
Enter the revamped, no nonsense James Bond, or as he is known locally 'Our Jimmy'. Gone are the Tux, fast cars, designer clothes and the Martinis. 007 2013 is 'Primark man' with an eye for the budget as well as the ladies. Not only does he dress appropriately for the occasion, but he wears sensible underwear in all weathers. His Nissan Micra 4x4 is plenty fast enough for the Yorkshire roads, is fuel efficient and holds it value well. Plaxtons have agreed to supply the buses for a showpiece chase through the moors though they have insisted that the buses must stop to pick up passengers if bystanders indicate their intentions clearly.
One of the aims of the new film is to encompass the working class background of our hero and show a grittier edge to the Bond character. This will be reflected in the dialogue which will by and large remain true to the area's dialect and culture. “Now then, gizza brew, Lass,” is the favoured approach offered towards the long suffering Miss Moneypenny, whose response is “gerr 'un yersen” (get one yourself). Other Yorkshire idioms that you can expect to hear are “A jar o' John Smiths, nowt ice an' shaken not stirred,” “ee bah gum!” (oh my god!), “tha'uns got me reet flummoxed” (confused), “Oh aye? Ahm jiggered, nithered an radged ” (Oh, yes? I'm very tired, cold and angry). “Stun buck izer loaded ferrets doon me kegs!!” - “un I tort youzza jus pleased t'sees'ee”. “ow do, flower, can thee ride croggy?” (Hello miss, do you fancy a ride on my crossbar?), “ahl threp thee int' watter.” (I'll hit you into the water). “seethee summat?” (can you see anything?)”, “ey up, I've paggered t' Micra” (oh bother, I've wrecked the car).
James Bond – 'e's proper champion!!! Coming to a screen near you in 2013 – James Bond in 'From Redcar wit' luv' - By 'eck, it's a belter!!!
