They think it’s all over

As the football season approaches the business end for many clubs it is perhaps a good time to reflect on what has been an extraordinary season.

The TV money on offer to the top clubs next season should have proved sufficient incentive to all to remain in the Premier League. That said, I can’t recall a season when so many teams have underperformed. Chelsea had a dreadful start to the season and never recovered. On paper both Liverpool clubs should have been challenging for Champions League positions yet indifferent performances in key matches has cost them dear. Neither Arsenal nor Manchester City have achieved the consistency that would have secured them the league title. That distinction went to the exceptional Leicester City, who started the season as 5000/1 outsiders to win the title.

The turn around since last season, where only a late run of good results saved them from relegation from the top flight has been probably the greatest sporting comeback I have seen in any sport during my lifetime. I really hope they can keep the side together for next season since the blend they have in the squad and the style of football they play would seem well suited to the Champions League.

Manchester United have been consistently poor throughout the season, having seemed to forget where the opposition’s penalty box is, let alone their goal. In a season that has seen so much that is good about the game it is sad to say that with 2 games to go till the end of the season United are still in with a chance of securing the 4^th Champion’s League spot. In most clubs disgruntled supporters leave the ground early, in United’s case this season the supporters have fallen asleep through boredom before they have the chance to walk out. One statistic that I heard this week was that they were ranked 2^nd in the league in terms of possession of the ball yet 15^th in number of shots on target.

On the plus side Tottenham have demonstrated the merits of a great youth team set up that saw them blood several youngsters in their challenge for the title, with many of them home grown players, you would think that they now have a firm base on which to build next season.

Over recent seasons the big money clubs have been able to go out and buy established, big name signings that have brought them success; with the increasing influence of soccer in China, America and the Middle East the competition for top names will be even stiffer so perhaps the emphasis will switch to building a cohesive squad rather than relying on one or two big name ‘match winners’.

Leicester having sealed the title with 3 games to spare meant that the focus now shifts to the more pressing issues of the relegation battle and whether Gary Lineker will fulfil his pledge to present Match of the Day in his underpants should Leicester win the league.

It is perhaps symptomatic of this strange season that the talking point of the week should be whether the Leicester grocer is a boxer or tidy-widey man. Personally, there are more pressing concerns on my agenda than Mr. Lineker’s choice of intimate apparel – Generally I don’t trust presenters who smile too much on TV but my guess is that he is not a thong man.

As to the thorny issue of relegation – Aston Villa have been woeful all season with the off-field antics of their players generating more headlines than their poor performances on the pitch.

My favourite story of the week was a picture of a Villa fan’s car with a broken driver’s window and the caption. ‘Left 2 tickets to the game on the dashboard, found the car broken into overnight and someone has added 2 more tickets!’

The only good thing to come from Villa being relegated is that it gives David Cameron one less thing to crow about.

The remaining 2 relegation places would seem to be between Norwich City, Newcastle and Sunderland. All have been poor throughout the season, especially Newcastle who spent a lot of money on transfers for players who, in most people’s eyes, did not warrant the huge fees and have certainly not done anything to repay the club. Norwich, the eternal yo-yo team, has always had a core of good quality Championship players but no one capable of scoring goals. Their 2 top goalscorers this season have scored 10 goals between them, which is never going to be enough at the highest level. If they are relegated this season, as I think they will be, then it will be the 4^th time they will have been relegated from the Premiership.

Sunderland must be in the driving seat to stay up – they have a game in hand over Newcastle plus they have Sam Allardyce at the helm, who has never managed a side that has been relegated and they have a proven goalscorer in Jermain Defoe.

It will be interesting to see what personnel changes will transpire over the next few months both on the pitch and in management. We already know that there will be changes at Manchester City and Chelsea. There are also question marks concerning Everton, Newcastle and Manchester United. It is plain to see that the big clubs will be getting their cheque books out over the Summer, the European Championship will provide a wonderful shop window for those wanting to play at the highest level, though as we have seen over recent seasons some players who have performed well in Europe and on the world stage have struggled to fit in playing for clubs in England.

The Premier league was at risk of becoming jaded by the strength of the bigger clubs, this season has been like a breath of fresh air.

Roll on next season – Dilly Ding, Dilly Dong.

Going out with the tide

It has been a strange old start to the year. Like millions of others I have coughed and spluttered my way through January and into February feeling pretty debilitated without actually succumbing to a dreaded bout of the flu. I have partly been expecting a message from Tim Peake on the International Space Station informing me that my nose can be seen from space. I simply don't have the complexion to carry off a bright red hooter.

It is hardly surprising that so many people have been ill since the weather in the UK has yo-yo'd between sub-zero and balmy. Daffodils could be seen in January and bird migratory patterns have been disrupted. If nature is baffled by the constant changes in the weather pattern then what chance do we mere mortals have contenting with the elements. Barely a day has passed since early December when there hasn't been a story about some part of the UK being flooded or battered by high winds.

My knowledge of meteorology hits the buffer at anything more demanding than admiring the cloud formation in a beautiful sunset but even I know that the arrows on the national weather forecast usually indicate a south-westerly wind blowing in from the Atlantic. My basic understanding is that hurricanes that do so much damage on the East Coast of America and the Caribbean Islands 'hitch a ride on the Gulf Stream' and get blown across the Atlantic towards Europe. Perhaps that is where my mind goes misty – in my understanding a stream is a babbling brook while the Atlantic is a massive, powerful ocean – so what happens when a brook and an ocean collide?

Even more baffling is why several hardy groups of adventurers would want to row across the Atlantic at this time of year. Not only are they racing in ridiculously small boats but it would appear they are rowing against the oncoming Hurricane Bert, Fred, Daisy or whoever's turn it is to seize the limelight. I can only admire the courage, dedication and tenacity of those that are undertaking this challenge. Regrettably there is as much chance of me volunteering to spend 3 months being tossed about by giant waves in a glorified bathtub as Jeremy Corbyn being elected President of the Tailor's Guild. In fact I would go so far as to say that it is on my list of the top 50 things to avoid doing before I die.

The headlines over recent weeks (and likely to dominate for months to come) seem to have been dominated by David Cameron, Donald Trump, Kim Jong-un, President Assad and Jose Mourinho. If someone would care to cast them all adrift in a small boat then I doubt there would be too many people raising any objection.

I've just had strange palpitations at the thought of Donald Trump, Kim Jong-un and Jeremy Corbin locked in a nuclear bunker fighting for control of the red button.

Turning to football, I like many others am now a fan 'on loan' to Leicester City until the end of the season. Their rise to the top of the Premier League this season has been phenomenal. In a season that has seen so many of the big clubs under-performing they have managed to capture the headlines for all the right reasons, playing an entertaining and effective game and without the histrionics of multi-millionaire superstars. If they continue to play the way that they have done throughout the season so far then there is no reason they cannot top the table come May. Much as I would have liked to see Arsenal win the league I would really like to see Leicester succeed if only see the bookies have to pay out those die hard Leicester supporters who managed to place a bet on the club at the start of the season when the odds were 5000/1.

The start of the year has also seen the untimely deaths of David Bowie, Ian 'Lemmy' Kilmister, Alan Rickman and Sir Terry Wogan. I had become so used to seeing the TV news dominated by images of flooded homes from around the country and waves of refugees fleeing conflicts in Africa and the Middle East that ordinarily, any other topic would have been received as a welcome distraction. Clearly the BBC management thought a change in direction was overdue since the news coverage for several days following the announcement of Bowie's death was dominated by tributes from all and sundry interspersed with repeated clips from their extensive archive charting his career. What I found particularly irritating was the fact that many of the reports were virtually lifted from the wikipedia pages, so much cheaper than sending reporters to research a story.

I can't say that I was the greatest of fans though I did admire his ability to continuously push musical boundaries in new directions. I was at secondary school when Ziggy Stardust rose (and fell). There were a few of the lads who sported the famous red mullet and some of the local kids used to hang around outside his Beckenham home but there were numerous other bands vying for supremacy in the playground in those days, not least Led Zeppelin, Roxy Music, Rod Stewart, Pink Floyd, Genesis and Yes.

A lot of the Bowie tributes seemed to emanate from Brixton, where he was born and lived till the age of 6. Having lived in the neighbourhood he grew up in I was interested to see how his death was being 'celebrated' in the area. The Three Tuns (now the Rat and Parrot) in Beckenham, where he used to perform as part of the Beckenham Arts Lab have honoured his contribution with a plaque since 2001. As far as I could make out all that Bromley Council did following his death was put out a press statement acknowledging the fact that David Bowie had once lived in the borough, though I do seem to remember seeing somewhere that they were intending to 're-double' their efforts to provide some form of recognition for him when they renovate the Bandstand at the Beckenham Recreation Ground, a venue he famously played in 1969. Given the present state of local authority finances I would assume that this could amount to a sticker sized plaque on the side of a rubbish bin – not quite the same as the mural that was created of him in Brixton.

The sad part is that his death came 2 days after the release of his latest album of new material which has received much critical acclaim. Though I would prefer to think of it as a joyous achievement that he was able to complete the album prior to his death. I can't but help recalling that both John Lennon and Freddie Mercury released seminal albums shortly before their deaths, I hope it is not a trend for others to follow.

Much like Bowie, Terry Wogan and Lemmy had been around for so long at the top of their game that it is hard to conceive the idea of a world without them - such is the nature of icons.

I am just about old enough to remember the days of Late Night Extra, an early venture at the BBC for the veteran broadcaster. Personally I preferred his earlier successes to those post global domination. There is no argument that he was immensely charming and talented though I did feel there was a point in his career when he became a caricature of himself. The ability to speak on the radio in a manner that audiences perceive as an intimate conversation between the presenter and the listener is a difficult skill to perfect and one that he recognised very early in his career. I think it was when Spitting Image came up with their quirky take on the Wogan Blarney that he seemed to try and ape the jocularity of the puppet creation. Unlike the puppet he didn't have to try to be funny, he was at his best when he was being natural and bouncing off his audience and guests – that is what great entertainers do, and he was up there with the best.

Humbuggery!!

Sad to see that no expense has been spared with this year's continuity links on BBC2. Half a dozen warblers screeching 2, two, too, to … 2, two, too, to the tune of several traditional seasonal ditties. It isn't even half way through the month and I am already climbing the wall every time the closing credits of a program start to role. I know that the BBC are under severe budgetry constraints but how many media graduates were required to come up with the idea that simply repeating the name of the station ad infinitum would convey the spirit of Christmas.

I would suspect that by the New Year there will be viewers seeking counselling for post traumatic stress having had this wretched tootling bouncing around in their heads for weeks. Remember the days of the Soccer World Cup when the singing or humming of Nessen Dormer was banned from the workplace? These days political correctness would mean that such actions would breach employment law though I think that if colleagues are determined to exercise their right to tootle in the workplace then they should go and join the pariahs in the smoking shed.

I hope that other government agencies are also taking note of the BBC's lead and look forward to seeing similar cut backs at a time when austerity is the key word. Perhaps BoJo will send us each a party popper in place of the New Year Fireworks celebrations. Maybe the Queen could arrive for the State Opening of Parliament on a Tuk-tuk in her onesie and a paper hat. Better still, forget the speech altogether and just send an email.

Given that literacy rates are falling why do we need libraries any more? Why do we need to build more schools and hospitals? We don't have enough teachers and nurses to staff those that we already have. Maybe we can solve the overcrowding in our hospitals by installing bunk beds.

The country are not building enough new homes for us to live in, there aren't enough graves to bury us in and the pressure groups complain that there isn't enough free space for us to enjoy the countryside – Nowhere to live, nowhere to die, I am not sure what the alternative is.

I am guessing that this year's FIFA Christmas party in Switzerland will be the non-event of the year – expect a low turn out especially from the South American delegations. At least Sepp Blatter, will be able to save a few bob on Christmas cards. I don't expect he will be receiving too many in the post either (other than from Russia or Qatar), though he might just get one from the FBI which probably won't be wishing him a prosperous New Year.

Congratulations to Tim Peake on becoming the first British male astronaut, a proud claim to list on one's CV but 6 months on the Russian Space Station is a bit extreme in the Christmas avoidance stakes. Do you think sprouts taste better in space? A question for Heston Blumenthal I think. Personally my choice for avoiding the Christmas mayhem would be to be an England test cricketer. They always seem to spend the festive period in warmer climates, nice hotels playing with their mates. I am available for selection and given their erratic batting performances over recent years would consider that I still have something to offer in the middle order or even at the top of the line-up.

Congratulations also to anyone who had a bet on Leicester being top of the Premier League at Christmas, I suspect only hardened Foxes supporters would have dreamed of that. I wonder what odds you would get on Donald Trump becoming the next US President and Jeremy Corbyn the next British Prime Minister. If that prospect doesn't strike fear into your heart then you really should see a doctor (while there are any left).

Once again the press have been talking up Christmas ever since August, oblivious to the grim events that have taken place over recent months. Barely a day has passed without headlines of global economic crises, immigration concerns, corporate corruption, terrorist atrocities, global warming, Chelsea's demise or falling audience figures for the X-Factor. Never has the festive notion of peace, forgiveness and well being to all mankind been under so much threat, for that reason alone I shall be putting up the decorations, lighting a candle, sipping a toast to absent friends and hoping that a mince pie (or two) will not leave a bad taste in my mouth.

A Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to one and all.

Eurovision Song Competition

I was surprised to read this week one erstwhile commentator  state that the Eurovision Song Contest has evolved; I’m not sure on what premise they base this observation. As far as I can see it is still as safe, staid and homogenised as the monarchy. The only thing that intrigues me is that it still has the ability to attract such a huge viewing audience in days when there are so many alternative sources of entertainment.

I grew up during a period when the competition was still in its infancy. I was never a fan of the music but since when has the competition ever been about the music. Perhaps part of the success stemmed from the naive belief that anything foreign was seen to be exotic, and I question whether it would ever have attracted such interest were it not for the fact that there were only two  television channels in this country at the time.

It is surprising just how little has changed over the years, albeit that there are more countries than ever taking part.  The show’s presenters still have that pained expression of ‘what the heck do I do next’ and ‘how can I be spontaneously witty in 20 different languages’. There is still a lot of chiffon, dry ice, pyrotechnics and enough makeup to keep Boots stocked for a week. By and large the songs still follow the same formulaic pattern of plinky-plink catchy or folksy ballads. Then  there is the proud procession of musical arrangers / conductors who queue up for their 15 minutes of fame with optimistic (smug) grins before the annual farce of political point scoring that is supposed to produce a worthy winner. 

If one was to be kind you would have to say that the judging is about the only thing in the competition that has evolved, mainly due to changes in the political climate and the expansion to include more countries. These days it is little more than an opportunity for allies to exchange favours no matter what quality the performance, or settle old scores with enemies that have lasted for centuries.

Each year seems to throw up one  or two oddities where some brave country  tries to step away from convention by entering  a gimmick rather than a song. In the past we have had mime artists, jugglers, punks, dancers,  groups of old ladies and a band that looked like they had come straight from the set of a ‘Mad Max’ movie.   This year  we are to be treated to  a bearded lady from Austria and a boy band on a trampoline from Greece.

Maybe it is a sign of age that I quite liked the unpredictability of the early years, the fact that  it was in black and white with cameras a fair old distance from the stage and the uncertainty of telecommunication links. I can’t say that I am a great fan of modern camera techniques and I don’t really want to see an artist’s nasal hair in high definition on my TV screen.

 I remember back in the 70s and 80s when contestants needed to release versions of their entry in several languages in order to benefit from international sales following the competition. Nowadays a great number of the entries choose to perform their songs in English, which seems to be the lingua franca. This I feel is a pity because I quite liked it when there were so many other languages to listen to. Part of the appeal to me was not understanding the language and having  to create my own words to the song based purely on intonation and facial expressions. I would have loved to have seen the ‘’Finnish’ entry win with what I took to be  a durgy ode to a lettuce or the ‘Turkish’ duo whose ‘ballad of their lost dog’ would have received my vote.

As far as I can see the greatest evolution in the 60 years of this competition has been the level of hype. Though this may increase year on year sadly the quality of the entertainment  has not improved significantly and I for one will be reaching for a good book and giving the TV a wide berth tonight.

Strictly on ice

So Torvill and Dean want  to do ‘Strictly’, a bit of a shoe- in I would have thought given their qualities as choreographers and the poise and elegance they still exhibit on the ice.

I can already imagine the frantic conversations in the BBC production office. Undoubtedly there will need to be some form of handicapping to give other celebrities a chance. Perhaps they will have to do lifts and throws – They already do lifts and throws. What about spins on the ground, or in the air? They already do those. How about  no hands? A regular part of their routine. Well they will have to dance backwards then. Done it, and at speed. We can't have them do it blindfold, health and safety will be on our backs. Oh well, we’ll just have to pair them off with Ann Widdecombe and John Sargent.

The Great Tottenham Bale Out

Maybe this story should come under the Silly Season comments because from a neutral position my mind boggles that this Summer's bun-fest of soccer transfers to has focused on one man and negotiations that have lasted longer than the season itself. Not that you can blame the player, he probably had very little say in the way the transaction took place or the timing of events. Ultimately I think Gareth Bale's move to Real Madrid will be a good deal for all for all concerned. Tottenham have already made some shrewd investments in anticipation of the 24 year-old's departure, partly through clearing out some of their own squad and bringing in new quality signing that will give the side options and balance. There is no doubting Bale's talents which will be well suited to both the Spanish league and the Champions league. From a marketing perspective he will be another hot property alongside the likes of Ronaldo, Messi and Iniesta so provided that the club can keep him fit it is easy to see how the club can turn a profit on their investment however substantial the final fee may be. There never appears to be a shortage of billboards in Spain when it comes to advertising. I'm sure that within weeks Mr. Bale's face will be endorsing everything from tooth paste and hair gel to luxury apartments and cat worming treatments.

The amount of hype that the 2 transfer windows generate is ridiculous, largely fuelled by speculative agents trying to talk up opportunities for their clients, or players trying to engineers deals for themselves. Whether you view the windows as a good or bad thing I suspect will be influenced by whether your club's manager has just secured the services of a top player or has been battling for the past few months to keep hold of a prized asset.

It would be interesting to know how many players have used the confusion in the transfer market to secure an enhanced contract with their current club. It used to be that transfers centred on players in the English, French, German, Spanish and Italian leagues, now the game is so global that the Americas, Asia, Africa, Russia and the Middle East are all competing in the same market place and all the top clubs in each country have cash to splash on the top players.

The downside to this is that there are so many competitions and so much football being played that every club needs a large squad simply to compete at the highest level. The fact is that there are only so many players that are world class and my fear is that with so much money being focused on the top players what will be the effect on the journeyman squad player. Will up and coming players get the opportunity of progress to the next level or will their places be snapped up by overseas players who have established themselves in foreign leagues?

The Bale deal has confirmed my belief that the transfer windows are not a particularly satisfactory way of transacting business. I have never understood why the Summer window extends for a month into the new season. It seems illogical to spend June and July building a squad to play in a certain way then have all those plans disrupted through the loss or addition of a player. 

What has been evident this Summer is just how the future of so many players has hinged on this one man (well perhaps 2 if you include Wayne Rooney having a sulk throughout the Summer). The fact that this deal has been drawn out until the last knockings means that there are 2 or 3 Real Madrid players who may now find themselves surplus to requirements, if they are then offloaded then the knock-on effect will be extended to other clubs and other players. The log jam that this one move has created could mean that the next couple of days before the closing deadline could see some high profile players changing clubs at over-inflated prices as clubs are forced to make some last minute enforced adjustments. This may be exciting to headline writers but I doubt that it is good for the game, the players, the managers, the supporters or the club chairman. (Never thought I would feel sorry for a football club chairman). 

 

7th Heaven

It was enough to send a numerologist into paroxysms of delight. The 7^th day of the 7^th month, 77 years since the last British male singles winner and the last British singles champion won in 1977.

Tennis has never been the easiest of games to watch, even at the top level. Games have sometimes been anti-climactic, one-sided, lacking in grace or simply plain boring with either booming serves or lengthy rallies that left you with the distinct impression that the players were being paid by the minute on court. Coupled with this has been the under-achievement of the Brits on any surface.

The game has changed dramatically over the years with the advancement of technologies that have brought about changes to the grass, the balls, the raquets and the umpiring. Players conditioning has improved beyond all recognition in terms of fitness levels, diet, nutrition and even their clothing.

As an avid lefty my personal tennis hero, and the guy I grew up watching, was Rod Laver – who wasn't even born when Fred Perry won the last of his Wimbledon championships in 1936 (Rod was born in 1938).

TV coverage has also made a big difference, especially with the slow motion camera and the wider choice of angles.

This year's championship has been one of the most memorable in history for a great many reasons. Every year has its share of fascinating encounters but I can't remember a year with so many matches of such high quality, both in the men's and the women's tournaments. I also can't recall a year where there have been so many upsets, ultimately it made the contests even more fascinating.

Within the first 3 days Roger Federer, Rafa Nadal and Maria Sharapova had disappeared from the line-up along with several other contenters who had either been knocked out or forced to withdraw due to injury.

The surprises of the first week left Serena Williams as a shoe-in for the Women's title, only to be beaten in straight sets by Sabine Lisicki. For once the women's tournament was wide open with none of 'the usual suspects' left in the running. The semi-finals threw up a very interesting combination of 4 players with very contrasting styles – the power of Lisicki, the dogged and unconventional Marion Bartoli, with Agnieszka Radwańska marshalling the base-line while Kirsten Flipkens aimed to get to the net as often as possible.

Andy Murray has much to thank Juan Martin Del Potro for in his semi-final game against Novak Djokavic, which was arguably the greatest game of tennis I have ever watched. The 5 set semi-final epic against the Serb lasted just under 5 hours in blisteringly hot conditions. I am not suggesting that Djokavic would necessarily have won the final though I do concede that the 40 unforced errors he made during the final was a lot more than usual by his high standard, though it is understandable that fatigue was partly to blame.

Murray's semi-final match with the Jerzy Janowicz was enjoyable for totally different reasons. The tall Pole with his massive serve was a fascinating encounter that demonstrated just how good Andy's return game is. In previous years the booming serves from the likes of Pete Sampras, Goran Ivanisevic or Roscoe Tanner were impressive but hardly entertaining.

His quarter-final match against against Fernando Verdasco also demonstrated how much the Murray game has improved, particularly his fitness and his temperament. To come from 2 sets down in the manner that he did was a great display of focus, discipline and determination, areas of his game that had previously let him down.

The quarter-final match between Del Potro and David Ferrer was another memorable occasion with the tenacious Spaniard putting up another stolid challenge to match his French Final defeat to Rafa Nadal.

This years tournament will also be remembered for one of the most bizarre matches I have ever watched – Maria Sharapova versus Michelle Larcher De Brito. The Portuguese girl has a decibel rating higher than the Sharapova Squeal, so watching these 2 grunt their way through 2 sets was never going to be an easy watch. On TV the squeaks, squawks and uumphs eclipsed the noise of the ball striking the raquet. The head movement of the spectators often appears to be out of sync with the action and during this match I was left with the uneasy feeling that the spectators were responding to the noise from the players with the ball becoming superfluous to events.

One of the most interesting comments following the victory came was a response from Andy to 'What he thought Fred Perry's response would have been to his success' – his reply being “Why aren't you wearing my clothing?” It should be remembered that for a long time Fred Perry was shunned by the tennis establishment and the absence of his sportswear logo from the arena of his greatest achievement has been very noticeable.

Perry was a working class lad who played with a style and aggression that was seen by many of the establishment at odds with the perceived spirit of the game.

Over the years the 'official' view towards competitive sport has swung to and fro, especially at schools level. Not everyone will be as dedicated or as talented to reach the highest level of the sport though if even a small percentage of those who will already be reaching for a racquet go on to play at club level then the boost to the economy and overall health will be worthwhile. If Andy Murray's victory doesn't inspire the next generation of kids and convince the bone heads at the top that competitive sport is a good thing then we may as well all give up the ghost and take up knitting.

Andy has built a wonderful team around him and if he can keep fit, focused and avoid injury then there is still time for him to add to his achievements. Go Andy go!

to boldly go ....

I must admit to feeling a trifle deflated over recent weeks following the news that Sir Ranulph Feinnes has been forced to withdraw from his latest Antarctic expedition due to frostbite. Not that I imagine my mood is any greater than the frustration that the multi-hyphenated-old etonian must feel following his latest mishap.

The man undoubtedly has more guts than sense and is worthy of a place on the endangered species list as a member of a declining breed of great British eccentrics.

To be truthful I had been expostulating on the next big event that David Cameron was going to pull out of the bag to boost the flagging feel-good factor in this country. As a politician he may not be everyone's cup of tea but in terms of PR coups his period of office has been blessed with successes that Alastair Campbell could only have dreamed off. Robbie Williams re-joining Take That, Prince William's wedding, The Queen's Golden Jubilee, The 2012 Olympics, England winning the Ashes in Australia, Andy Murray winning a major title, a British winner of the Tour de France for the first time in 75 years, Europe winning the Ryder Cup in amazing style and a royal baby on the way.

As to possible future crowd pleasers – I have always considered the Queen abdicating to be a non-starter, likewise Philip bungee-jumping, Charles appearing on Strictly Come Dancing, Ed Milliband appearing on the Muppet Show, Enya announcing a world tour or an Abba reunion concert.

Discovering a formula for fat-burning chocolate or a sustainable energy source that would allow the average domestic fuel bill to be reduced by 90% would be welcome, though improbable.

If there was any justice in the world then there would be a website listing the home phone numbers of all the directors of companies offering their services assisting with payment protection  insurance or personal injury claims. I feel sure that I am not alone in wishing to cold call some of them at 3 am just to be able to put the phone down or give them a quick chorus of 'Go compare' or ask if they had limescale problems in the bathroom.  Personally, that would boost my spirits no end. I would even be willing to give up the comfort of my warm duvet for one night just to these leaches like being pestered with unwarranted nuisance calls.

Secretly I had pencilled Sir Ran in for a solo trek across the dark side of the moon but given his advancing years and his recent injuries I fear that is looking as likely as Argentina relinquishing its claim on the Falkland Isles. 

 

Stuff that funky gibbon

Researchers in Japan have learned that Lar gibbons (or white-handed gibbons as they are also known) use the same vocal techniques as human soprano singers when tested in an environment rich with helium. Scientists claim that the gibbons are able to control the frequencies of their vocal tracts in the same way as a humans do.

And here was stupid, tone-deaf little me thinking that it was in fact the other way round. I have long considered the high pitched warblings of some of our best known soprano singers bear remarkable similarity to the random agitated screechings of certain endangered primates. 

I am unsure as to why anyone would wish to expose these angelic looking creatures to helium but would assume that the resulting ‘tunes’ were more satisfactory than had the experiments been carried out on humans.

Can we expect one day to see a gibbon taking to the stage at Glyndebourne? How long will it be before Sir Tom Jones releases a record backed by a choir of gibbons?

As I write, I have visions of Simon Cowell drifting across the Indonesian peninsula in a helium filled balloon, recorder in one hand and contract in the other. One bag of hot air inside another.