Soccer Suffrage

So England's dear ladies have taken a leaf out of their male counterpart's book and crashed out of the world cup on penalties. Those of you have read any of my ramblings on the subject of our national team in almost any sport will appreciate that I am usually underwhelmed by our lack of achievement, whether it be a friendly against the Faroe Isles or a major championship.

Normally our lacklustre performances are put down to tiredness, lack of preparation time, undertraining, overtraining, poor pitch, bad weather, wrong type of equipment, biased refereeing, injury or absence of key players, food poisoning, unsuitable hotel facilities, partisan crowds or plain bad luck – in effect, any old excuse so long as it doesn't equate to lack of talent.

When I used to go to the park with a few of my mates after school for a kick around we didn't spend our time rolling about in the mud in feigned agony then march off expecting to receive shed loads of cash and a modelling contract for our effort, which seems to be the overwhelming objective for any professional sportsman/woman these days.

Of course times have changed, sport is big business these days, especially the TV rights. I grew up in an era of 'Pot Black' and 'World of Sport' – 'Pot Black' – one frame of snooker once a week, primarily scheduled to take advantage of the latest technological breakthrough, colour television. Who can forget Dickie Davies wiggling his quiff with glee at the delight of the World Kite Flying or barrel rolling championships. Who would have thought that the likes of snooker and darts would have become such money-spinners for both participants and promoters.

More recently cricket has tried to grab a slice of the action with the extensive promotion of 20 over cricket. As a cricketing traditionalist I detest this bastardisation of the glorious game, though I can see how it is a far more attractive proposition to sponsors and merchandisers.

Having dipped in and out of the Women's Soccer World Cup throughout the tournament it is plain to see how desperate the TV moguls and sponsors are to raise the profile of the women's game. Previously Women's international games have been the preserve of highlights only shown after 11pm on BBC2. This year, not only have we seen international matches on BBC1 at prime time but also the women's cup final and even the occasional live club game.

At the risk of offending a great many people I fear to suggest that there is a degree of desperation about the whole project – Where the public are being asked to buy into the concept of this latest 'cash cow', I am still seeing 'Dead Donkey', and judging from opinions around the offices I have visited lately I do not appear to be alone in my view.

I hear that it the fastest growing sport in this country, there's a new professional league and that the women's game is huge in the USA, but I still find it virtually unwatchable after only 5 minutes; I've even been known to switch channels to watch the fishing programme (it was a very bad day).

Don't get me wrong, I welcome the participation of both men and women in sport, especially at a professional level, where achievements can be so inspirational to youngsters, but when it comes to soccer there is something definitely not right and I cannot put my finger on what it is.

If you consider the likes of tennis, gymnastics, athletics, hockey, judo – women display incredible strength, stamina, dexterity, determination, control and skill but put them on a football pitch and they look like a herd of stampeding wilderbeest. Originally I thought it might be a team game issue, but I don't think that is where the problem lies, hockey after all is a team game. My recollections of hockey are that it is not a game for the feint-hearted of either sex, so I don't consider gentility to be the problem either.

Steffi Graf used to glide around a tennis court, Martina Navratilova had a delicate touch to her game and Maria Sharapova manages to make her gangly 6' 2” frame appear elegant when she plays (even if she does grunt too much). I reserve judgement on the Williams sisters – they are just scary.

Many female athletes demonstrate dexterity that would lead you to believe they do not have a single bone in their body, often at the same time displaying strength that is way out of step with their perceived physique.

Women's cricket used to be plagued by immobility. There was often more rigidity in the players than there was in the bat they wielded like an axe. Thankfully the game has now moved on and there is a healthy athleticism about the modern game that would put some of the male players to shame.

I still come back to football – there is something about the way many of the female players move, the way they kick the ball that is different. When Wayne Rooney kicks a ball it looks as if he has been kicking a ball all his life, when most of the top women players kick a ball it looks as if they have their boots on the wrong feet, or at least they've still got their platforms on. Please don't tell me it's the boots - I can't see how the presence of a few studs on the sole of a shoe could affect the ability of a woman to kick a football. Women's feet are generally hardened through years of abuse, and given their predilection for high heels you would imagine that their sense of balance would be greater than a man's. (A picture of Gareth Southgate in stilettos just entered my head, not a nice thought and not a great penalty taker either).

The goal celebrations in the men's game do not sit well with me, I have never been keen on the hugging and kissing, let alone the acrobatics and robotic dancing. You would have thought it would have been different in the women's game but I regret to say that their antics don't do much for me either.

Many years ago I was invited to attend a women's rugby international match, and since it was a nice day I accepted the offer to stand on the touchline of a private sports ground in South London. Strangely the game was very watchable. I can't remember who was playing (I have a suspicion that it was the South Africans, but I could be wrong) or who won but the style of play was not dissimilar from the male's game. The girls got stuck in, tackled hard, passed well and ran purposefully when they had the ball. There were no tears, no screaming or squealing, no punch-ups and tries were celebrated with a polite handshake, a wave to a friend in the crowd and an appreciative ripple of applause from the couple of hundred people who had turned up to watch.

I am not so much of an armchair sports fan that I would consider purchasing a Sky sports package, I mourn the loss of so many sports to the digital channels and would deplore the concept of barrel rolling ever making a resurgence on terrestrial TV. Sadly, until the standard of women's soccer improves it will forever remain a minority interest sport for me, one that is welcome to that 11pm slot on BBC2.