A tinselled tirade

Yo jingling ho! Here we go again. At last we enter the final few weeks of this year's jollities. Forget the fact that half the high street have been blasting out the Christmas hits album since September. The more enterprising stores even have some hyper-active hospital radio reject espousing the delights of this year's bargain offerings ad infinitum over a Tannoy system that is only marginally better quality than a megaphone. The script may say that the Deluxe box of Belgian Chocolates is a snip at only £195 and yes, everyone should have a mug that stirs itself, but I don't think I could sound as convincingly OTT about something that costs more than I earn in a week or is so typically pointless.

The word 'Exclusive' really needs to be redefined. So many 'Exclusive' in store offers can be found on sale at the same or reduced price, at stores often within a matter of a few hundred yards. In my mind the term 'exclusive' when used in association with the retail sector means 'batteries no included'.

This is the time of year when politicians pat themselves on the back for reducing the unemployment figures substantially by year end, disregarding the fact that they will rise just as quickly once the January Sales have finished. 

Nice to know that the politicians are finally going to take on the payday loans companies, even if they are prepared to wait until after Christmas by which they will have made enough money to keep them in clover for another year.

I can't say that I have been anticipating a great many surprises this year. Utility bills have risen faster than the cost of living again. Transport costs have risen again. Food prices have risen again. The banks have seen their profits rise again. On the bright side, Andy Murray won Wimbledon which makes him a virtual shoe-in for Sports Personality of the Year (a strange misnomer of an event given the number of previous winners whose single-minded ambition only emphasised the fact that they had suffered a personality bypass). Cliff Richard has proudly announced the release of his 100^th album, chances are it will still come in the top 100 selling albums of the year, a sad reflection on the state of the music industry these days.

Global peace is as far away as comet Ison, the 2km wide chunk of ice that passed incredibly close to the Sun this week (well 1.2 million km which categorises it as a near miss). Placing it in context this is marginally closer that England came to winning the 1^st Ashes test in Brisbane. It was never a good idea to have 2 Ashes series played within 3 months of each other, just another illustration of how corporate greed is demeaning the value of sporting achievement.

Tony Blair's efforts to secure peace in the Middle East at least means he can't screw this country up any more than it already is and doubtless his exploits please his bank manager.

Staying with sport, I am amazed how quietly Sir Alex Ferguson has slipped into the shadows following his retirement. I guess he can now focus his thoughts on his book sales. The Wenger boys still show 'spirit and commitment' but no silverware. There are times when they are brilliant to watch but often they flatter to deceive, much as Chelsea and Manchester City do. Not sure that I welcome the idea of the rights to Champions League coverage being acquired by BT. To get value out of your Sky or BT package you need to be permanently glued to your television set and I am not sure that the unemployed are best placed to afford the cost of the various sports packages.

Just when I thought there were going to be no surprises this year the following slipped under the radar – The UK City of Culture for 2017 will be – HULL. Other than Vladimir Putin being crowned Mr. Gay Universe or Kim Jong Un being nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize I do not think I could have been more shocked (or indifferent). The words Hull and culture do not sit easily on the same page. As one local author explained in a radio interview the East Yorkshire town is not twinned with anywhere, though it does have a suicide pact with Beirut. The best thing to come out of Hull remains the M62. It does seem a strange choice to be awarded such an accolade but if there is any place in the country that needs a moral and financial boost then Hull has all the credentials and more. Famous Hullensians include John Prescott, Maureen Lipman, Mick Ronson, The Housemartins, Phillip Larkin, William Wilberforce and J Arthur Rank.

Apart from the City's links to the abolition of slavery it remains one of the poorest places in the UK with one of the highest levels to unemployment. Not only has it given us the Deep and the 4x4 (that's 4 kids by 4 fathers, not the juggernaut car) but it has historically had to stave off invasion from the various tribes across the North Sea as well as West Yorkshire daytrippers who missed the turning for Bridlington or Grimsby. It does have a renowned university and the Hull Truck Company may have a good reputation for inventive theatre which are both positive signs. However, I have never felt the urge to observe a few rusting supermarket trolleys at the bottom of a giant fish tank nor have I understood why this particular part of the country needs its own telephone system. Hopefully this award will bring much needed investment and regeneration to the area but it is a massive challenge and I am not sure that the good people of Hull are ready to be cultured.

I once had to stay in the city overnight on a job that had run very late. I had worked so many hours that it would not have been safe for me to drive home so I rocked up at this hotel around 5 am, the room was small, dirty, the heating 'clanked' continuously and the bedding was grey and smelly (no, it was not Hull prison). It was difficult to tell whether the walls were purposely brown, or just smoke-stained, such was the lighting. Every expense spared by my employer, but beggars can't be chosers at that time of day and I was too dead on my feet to argue. The strange thing was that I felt guilty, because I was convinced that the night porter had pulled someone out of their bed to make way for me.

My tip for next year is to invest in confectionery – if Tie Rack and Sock Shop disappear from our High Street, as seems likely, then there are going to be a lot of dad's, uncle's and aging relatives receiving Werther Originals next Christmas.

Happy New Year.