Humbuggery!!

Sad to see that no expense has been spared with this year's continuity links on BBC2. Half a dozen warblers screeching 2, two, too, to … 2, two, too, to the tune of several traditional seasonal ditties. It isn't even half way through the month and I am already climbing the wall every time the closing credits of a program start to role. I know that the BBC are under severe budgetry constraints but how many media graduates were required to come up with the idea that simply repeating the name of the station ad infinitum would convey the spirit of Christmas.

I would suspect that by the New Year there will be viewers seeking counselling for post traumatic stress having had this wretched tootling bouncing around in their heads for weeks. Remember the days of the Soccer World Cup when the singing or humming of Nessen Dormer was banned from the workplace? These days political correctness would mean that such actions would breach employment law though I think that if colleagues are determined to exercise their right to tootle in the workplace then they should go and join the pariahs in the smoking shed.

I hope that other government agencies are also taking note of the BBC's lead and look forward to seeing similar cut backs at a time when austerity is the key word. Perhaps BoJo will send us each a party popper in place of the New Year Fireworks celebrations. Maybe the Queen could arrive for the State Opening of Parliament on a Tuk-tuk in her onesie and a paper hat. Better still, forget the speech altogether and just send an email.

Given that literacy rates are falling why do we need libraries any more? Why do we need to build more schools and hospitals? We don't have enough teachers and nurses to staff those that we already have. Maybe we can solve the overcrowding in our hospitals by installing bunk beds.

The country are not building enough new homes for us to live in, there aren't enough graves to bury us in and the pressure groups complain that there isn't enough free space for us to enjoy the countryside – Nowhere to live, nowhere to die, I am not sure what the alternative is.

I am guessing that this year's FIFA Christmas party in Switzerland will be the non-event of the year – expect a low turn out especially from the South American delegations. At least Sepp Blatter, will be able to save a few bob on Christmas cards. I don't expect he will be receiving too many in the post either (other than from Russia or Qatar), though he might just get one from the FBI which probably won't be wishing him a prosperous New Year.

Congratulations to Tim Peake on becoming the first British male astronaut, a proud claim to list on one's CV but 6 months on the Russian Space Station is a bit extreme in the Christmas avoidance stakes. Do you think sprouts taste better in space? A question for Heston Blumenthal I think. Personally my choice for avoiding the Christmas mayhem would be to be an England test cricketer. They always seem to spend the festive period in warmer climates, nice hotels playing with their mates. I am available for selection and given their erratic batting performances over recent years would consider that I still have something to offer in the middle order or even at the top of the line-up.

Congratulations also to anyone who had a bet on Leicester being top of the Premier League at Christmas, I suspect only hardened Foxes supporters would have dreamed of that. I wonder what odds you would get on Donald Trump becoming the next US President and Jeremy Corbyn the next British Prime Minister. If that prospect doesn't strike fear into your heart then you really should see a doctor (while there are any left).

Once again the press have been talking up Christmas ever since August, oblivious to the grim events that have taken place over recent months. Barely a day has passed without headlines of global economic crises, immigration concerns, corporate corruption, terrorist atrocities, global warming, Chelsea's demise or falling audience figures for the X-Factor. Never has the festive notion of peace, forgiveness and well being to all mankind been under so much threat, for that reason alone I shall be putting up the decorations, lighting a candle, sipping a toast to absent friends and hoping that a mince pie (or two) will not leave a bad taste in my mouth.

A Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to one and all.

Back to the future too.

I suspect I am not alone is having spent the best part of October glued to the telly watching the Rugby World Cup. Undoubtedly the best 2 teams did meet in the final (even if I do have a certain sympathy for the Scots who were deprived of a historic semi-final place by a poor refereeing decision against the Aussies). Whether the current All Blacks side is the best ever, I am not so sure. They are a great team to watch but so were the Welsh in the 1970s, and there have been a few All Black and Wallaby teams that would also be staking a claim for that accolade.

Given that the final took place at Halloween I was disappointed that the Aussies did not get into to the spirit, I was rather hoping that the Kiwi Haka would be faced off by the Wallabies sporting werewolf hands, neck bolts and vampire teeth.

Two other events in October caught my eye, one being the Welsh soccer team qualifying for a major championship for the first time since 1958 and the other being Back to the Future Day, which as any film fan could tell you is 21^st October 2015.

Sadly, for the England rugby squad it was more back to the drawing board than back to the future. Like their fellow cricketers and footballers they flattered to deceive and suffered a humbling exit from their own world cup due in part to poor discipline and some strange team selections.

The frailty of the cricket team was once more exposed with the lack of a class spinner and inept batting performances taking their toll in every form of the game.

Once again the hype surrounding our footballers is on the rise; as if nothing has been learned from the debacle that was their world cup exit. So they may be top of their pool in the European championship qualifiers and have the only 100% record, but this is hardly the most challenging of groups. Based on present performances which of our superstars, if anyone, could be considered for a place in a Best in the World squad, let alone command a place in a World XI?

There is a huge element of Groundhog Day to our sporting prowess and it unlikely that much could be learned from a Back to the Future experience if the achievements in each sport over the past 30 years was to be honestly evaluated. The games themselves may have evolved and there have been a few major successes during this period but overall our performances at almost every level have failed to keep pace with the changes while other countries have been quicker and better at adapting to them.

Sport aside, it was good to read some of the comments about Back to the Future 2 which, for me, is as watchable today as it was when it was first released. President Obama tweeted to wish everyone a Happy Back to the Future Day and even David Cameron made a lame reference to the film in a jibe at Jeremy Corbin during Prime Minister's Questions in Parliament.

In Houston, Texas, headquarters of the DeLorean Car company fans of the film gathered to pay homage to the creators of the gull-winged car that was adapted for the film.

The film trilogy may have featured flying cars, hoverboards and self tying shoe laces which may not yet be commercially viable but in may other aspects some of the futuristic predictions are now readily available. Video calls have been around for some time and wearable eye glass screens, which have been used by the military for many years are now slowly finding a use in the public marketplace. 3D movies have been around for some time though opinion regarding their effectiveness remains split and fingerprint technology is becoming increasingly useful in many fields.

Flat screen televisions are not disimilar to the roll-up flat screen TV in the McFly living room. The film was spot on with the prediction that these screen would be voice activated, which is now possible using smart technologies. Computer-controlled door locks were also another successful pointer to the future as was the depiction of drones.

A version of the hoverboard is available though it is reliant on a magnetic track to supply the lift. Nike have a patent for the self-tying laces though these remain a distant objective.

In the film Doc is seen throwing rubbish into the car's waste converter to supply it with power. There are a few trials currently testing the use of recycled food waste and sewage to power buses as well as plans to use agricultural waste as a petrol supplement.

One motoring prediction that did not hit the target was barcode numberplates, which sounds like a good idea but is a bit problematic for visual identification of a vehicle if you don't have a scanner to hand.

Perhaps closer to reality is the fact that the cars in the film made very little noise, not unlike the hybrid and electric cars that are now is use.

The film suggested that faxing would play a significant role in our futures. In itself this would seem to have been a strange choice given that the concept of the fax machine had been around since Napoleonic times. It should also be pointed out that the world wide web was created in 1989, the same year that BTTF2 was released, and it would be a further year until Sir Tim Berners-Lee invented the first web browser.

 

I love this sign that appeared on the noticeboard at Waterloo Station.

 

Perhaps less successful with their predictions were the ideas of smart clothing, though this is an area that is currently receiving increasing attention. The film makes use of LED displays on police helmets, technically possible but yet to be adopted by any police authority.

Despite recent advances in weaving technology within different fabrics the possibility of being blown dry by your clothing is likely to remain a distant idyll.

Sadly, many of the thoughts regarding rejuvenation are also likely to remain a distant wish though doubtless millions will continue to search for the holy grail of youthful looks using botox, cosmetic surgery, potions and creams.

The one area that was overlooked completely in the film were the stellar changes to mobile phone technology. Mobile phones were still chunky and expensive back in the 80's and anything but smart.

In hindsight many of these advancements have been fueled by and geared towards consumerism which simply reinforces the belief, if we did not already know it, that progress is driven by the pursuit of money. How many ideas do not make it off the drawing board because the concept is financially unviable.

There is probably more technology on the latest smartphone than there was on the first Apollo spacecraft to land on the moon though for most of us it is simply a toy to enable us to contact our friends and family one way or other, search the internet or take photos.

It is sometimes good to look forward and think of things that we would like to see improved or invented, not everything will be achievable or welcome but that is progress. Part of me wishes that the DeLorean only had a reverse setting, to a time when life was simpler and more fulfilling but there is also that part of me that will always want to know what lies just around the corner, what the next great breakthrough will be and what the future holds for us all.

 

More World Cup Woes

It has been an intriguing Rugby World Cup so far with more than its fair share of surprises and talking points. Great that England were given the opportunity to play host and good to see that matches have been spread around the country to give as many people as possible the chance to see a game live. The only downside in using some of the larger football grounds to host some matches is that not only are the pitches too small to accommodate a reasonable sized in goal area but there is a difference in the surface needed for each game which makes a soccer pitch cut up a lot easier than a dedicated rugby playing surface. That said, nowhere has the state of the pitch spoiled the entertainment of the game.

South Africa's defeat to Japan will undoubtedly remain as one of the outstanding highlights not only because it was a cracking game but you could sense that the way the Japanese were playing there was a strong belief that the victory was possible.

It did not come as a shock to me that England failed to make it out of the pool stage on this occasion, what I did feel was unnecessary was for the captain, Chris Robshaw, to publicly state that the English players had let the country down. In reality it was a very tough group with the probability of one of the top 5 rugby playing sides failing to qualify. It could be argued that in the games against Wales and Australia players may have let themselves down but I don't see that in any way did the side let the country down.

It has been estimated that England's early exit from the tournament will cost the country around £3bn in lost revenue. I even read somewhere that failure in previous tournaments has seen a blip in the stockmarket of 1.3%. £3bn is one hell of a feel good factor but I don't think it will spoil the overall enjoyment of the rest of the tournament since there is still a lot of good rugby ahead and there is no particular side that is a shoe in for the title. New Zealand look strong as ever yet Australia sent a powerful message of intent in their display against England and South Africa looked more like themselves against Scotland. Wales have had a horrendous time with injuries and no one knows what the French are capable of (least of all the French who can beat anybody on their day). For me, the best prospect for the northern hemisphere in this tournament has always been Ireland, they just seem to have a stronger squad that functions better as a unit and has more composure on the ball.

It could be argued that England should have beaten Wales, though indiscipline and a few wrong decisions let them down, but yesterday they were simply beaten by the better side. They had no answer to the menace of David Pocock and Michael Hooper who dominated proceedings in and around the pack. The England back row hardly got a mention all match, such was the efficiency of the Australian counter-rucking.

As usual the press had cranked up the hype for the English side to fever pitch, totally overlooking the fact that this is a relatively new and inexperienced squad of players, something that was evident in the way they played against Australia. Yes, England have some very good flair players but they have not really played that much together as a unit. Undoubtedly there will be those calling for immediate change but I think there needs to be a period of reflection after the tournament, where those involved in the game at the elite level can reflect on what went wrong and decide how best to learn from those mistakes.

This is not the first time a young and inexperienced side has found to be lacking, the England side were outclassed in 1999 yet we all know what happened in 2003 when we went to the tournament with pretty much the same side who were selected 4 years earlier.

Away from the pitch, I have found the TV coverage rather disappointing, or more correctly irritating. I do not have one of these £2000+ super entertainment systems that allow you to count a player's teeth in hi-definition. Maybe it is something in the type of cameras that ITV use but on numerous occasions the picture on my screen would go 'fuzzy' particularly when they replayed passages of play. This I was able to rectify by switching channel and switching back. Which was pretty much what I do whenever that wretched theme tune splurges onto the screen. I am guessing that ITV blew their budget on punditry so decided to regurgitate the theme they used successfully for the previous world cup. I have nothing against Paloma Faith as a singer it just strikes me that her rendition of 'World in union' sounds as if she's suffering from a strangulated hernia.

Equally irritating is the orang-utan used to market the tournament. So far I have found no body who can tell me what the relevance of the animal is to the game. I could see that there may be an issue if the company had used a wallaby, a springbok or a puma but why an orang-utan? Why not a giraffe or ostrich? And why does the poor animal have to wander around listening to the various national anthems? Is he/she a musical aficionado? I know that these media bosses like their artists to perform for peanuts but even so, there would have been plenty of C-list celebs who would have jumped at the chance of this gig.

At least they haven't attempted the other trend that seems to be increasing in adverts, using computer graphics to syncopate speech. Having a bird and a cat 'serenading' each other to a motown classic is bad enough, an orang-utan 'singing' 'World in union' would be a step too far.

Feel the rush

As you may know I am particularly keen on my sport and have been dipping in and out of the World Athletics Championships in Beijing over the past few weeks. Pleasing as it was to see the English team doing well it was great to see David Rudisha back to his best. Top of the tree as ever was Usain Bolt who having narrowly beaten arch rival Justin Gatlin to retain his 100 metres title then destroyed him and the rest of the field in the 200 metres final. It may take him longer to tie his laces than it does to complete the race but there is always a sense of expectation whenever he takes to the track. I still get the feeling that he has more left in the tank, maybe he is saving it for Rio but I would hate to think he is holding back because if you're going to break records then there is no time like now because there are no guarantees of form or fitness in the future.

With the athletics still fresh in my mind I was in the locker room of my local sports club on Friday having participated in the regular squash night session. A couple of my mates and I were discussing recent events when I became distracted by an individual who had just entered the changing rooms. Usually at around 08:30 the changing room is packed full of sweaty squash players and members of the Taekwondo club. From what I have seen of their training sessions the rough and tumble for space in the changing rooms is the closest they get to justifying it as a contact sport.

This may have been a weekend that the Taekwondo boys went away since we pretty much had the room to ourselves and the guy who had just walked in. I was wondering what sport he was planning to participate in at this time of night since he was not carrying any equipment other than a holdall. Generally I do not pay much attention to others in the locker room since I find the steamy environment oppressive and it fogs up my glasses. An issue that is not helped by the heating having been on for most of the Summer.

From the shower I watched as this newcomer walked up and down the room, admiring himself in the wash basin mirrors. I must admit that being a public sports centre I do tend to keep one eye on my kit while I am taking a shower, and this guy was behaving oddly. He had left the room twice and returned by the time I had finished my shower. My friends and I were once more debating the athletics when he eventually decided to change into his gym kit. He then disappeared into one of the toilet cubicles and suitably refreshed, emerged, stripped off, jumped in the shower and got back into his civvies. I was bidding my farewell to my friends as he started to dress and thought no more about it until I was on my way home. Was this some sort of prank or was it the shortest workout in history? Maybe the guy strained himself in every sense of the word. Perhaps it was some new sport that I have never heard of. There seem to have been quite a few weird attempts over recent years to create unusual sports - chess boxing, free running, etc. One university even tried introducing a form of squash played in total darkness, with lines marked in luminous paint.

I have been on the premises when a couple of lorry drivers were caught by the staff trying to have a free shower at the centre's expense, that I can understand, what happened on Friday is beyond my comprehension.

Thinking about the shortest workout ever reminded me of a time when I worked in a small branch sales office with a disproportionate number of sports enthusiasts. There were only 32 of us, 23 of whom were male and with ages ranging from mid-20s to mid-50s, yet we managed to put out a competitive rugby 15 against the rest of the company. The 23 was reduced to 22 on account of one individual (who would have been a shoe-in had he been able to get a boot over his plaster cast or his crutch). We were pretty well covered in most areas with the exception of height so we were quite relieved when one of the managers who happened to be 6' 3'” and had only recently given up the game agreed to play in the second row. We were a complete scratch team, who had never played together, though many of us played or had played for different local club sides. This manager, who shall remain nameless, looked very good in the changing rooms, clean but well used boots, his own scrum cap, ran on the spot nicely in the warmup and gave a rousing braveheart rant during the huddle (more Gielgudian eloquence than Olivieresque abrasion).

Some were impressed by his keenness in rehearsing his 'hakka' in the dressing room, personally I thought he was going through the dance steps for 'Brotherhood of Man's Eurovision hit, 'Save your kisses for me'. In hindsight a hakka was a bit overambitious given that we had never played together as a team before let alone practiced synchronised grunting and gurning.

The 'rest of the company' won the toss and chose to kick off at which point our game plan fell apart, as did the aforementioned manager. A lofted drop kick drifted out towards the touch line and 'our secret weapon' collapsed on the floor like a house of cards before the ball had even bounced. The game was halted, his leg inspected and 2 of our cheerleaders were summoned to support him as he hobbled from the pitch. I believe there was ice available for his torn calf muscle though our 'sponge man' being the sympathetic soul that he was handed him a cold sponge and chose to save the ice for the Gin and Tonics.

In retrospect we were a fairly unusual bunch since we were the only branch to ever put out a team consisting entirely of staff members. We managed to field a passable football 11, a strong cricket team and 2 squash teams, one of which contained 4 county level players.

It is a sad reflection of how attitudes towards work and leisure have changed that the company that I now work for was recently challenged by one of our customers to a 'friendly' game of cricket yet was unable to mass more than 6 players willing to represent the company from a national workforce of over 2500.

If I have learned anything in my years of playing sport it is to expect the unexpected so last Friday was nothing really out of the normal.

The eternal quest for adventure

It seems that barely a month goes by without someone coming up with some unbelievably expensive challenge that gets scientists over-excited and governments, who should know better, racing for their cheque books. To my mind, neither of which should be encouraged.

The latest hair-brained scheme is for a new aircraft that will fly the Atlantic in an hour. Dubbed ‘The Son of Concorde’ it will be a hybrid aircraft/rocket that has got international high fliers in a frenzy of anticipation. So, celebrity A-listers will be able to appear live at a US film premier, fly to the London for the UK launch and still be back in the US in time to appear live on the Late Show. The fat cats in the city will be able to enhance their bank balances by trading 24 x 7 on both continents and elite footballers will now be able to play for 2 clubs at the same time.

Last month it was high speed trains, the month before that they were looking for volunteers for a one-way ticket to Mars and before that there was talk of plans to build an even faster version of the Large Hadron Collider.

Just how many trillions of pounds are all these schemes going to cost? Is this really what the world is screaming out for? 

Like many commuters I often struggle to work in traffic that barely reaches 5 mph – will I be any happier knowing that an aircraft could make the 5000 mile journey from London to New York in the same time it takes me to negotiate the traffic and pot holes on the congested streets from my home to my office.

Maybe I should be more excited, after all it is little over 100 years ago since the Wright brothers first took to the skies. The wingspan of a 747 aircraft is greater than the distance covered in that first flight. In the intervening years we have seen supersonic flight, put a man on the moon and are on the verge of introducing space tourism. True, the greatest leap forward in rocket science was achieved through the development of weapons technology during the 2^nd world war but where would we be today without the satellites that are so much a part of our lives that we take them for granted.

There have been a great many spin-offs from these flights of fancy in the past and who is to say that future developments may not bring equally important discoveries. 

Having been blessed with the scientific mind of a goldfish I am probably the last person to be passing judgement on what is or isn’t feasible. I do however feel that there is a great deal more that is achievable closer to home without committing such fantastic sums of money to these projects.

Breakthroughs in medicine are still coming through which will hopefully reduce or eradicate some of the major diseases around the world. There are also new products such as graphene that offer great potential in so many different fields.

Personally, I have never understood the purpose of the Hadron Collider; firing a laser beam around a giant tunnel of mirrors under ground, what is that all about? Why did it need to be the ‘Large’ Hadron Collider? Would a smaller one not have been just as effective?

Scientists strike me as a pretty sceptical bunch so I suspect a great number of them will be atheists – why are they looking for ‘The God Particle’ if they are non-believers? What will they do if they do find it? How will they know if they have found it? “Oh, that was nice, now what do we do?” Everyone goes home and CERN is turned into a theme park attraction.

If we have survived all this time without ‘The God Particle’ why do we need it now? What are we looking to learn from it? What are we expected to do with it?

In this topsy-turvy world we live in I doubt that I will be around long enough to see an end to poverty, a cure for dementia and alzheimer’s disease, or self-sufficiency in the global food supply but I might be around long enough to see the maiden flight of ‘Son of Concorde’.

Anyone for tennis?

So once more the annual gruntfest is over and the fair weather amateurs can cast away their tennis rackets for another year. Pleased for Serena Williams and Novak Djokavic and delighted to see Roger Federer playing so well, but on the day you could only say that Novak deserved his win. A victory of efficiency over elegance.

What I find particularly interesting about Federer is the way that his game has evolved as he has aged. The improvements to his serve and his willingness to come to the net more in order to shorten the rallies have not only enhanced his chances of a further major trophy but made the game more watchable. To be landing 80% of your first serves in court, as he did against Andy Murray, is an incredible level of consistency. 

Personally I have found the quality of the tennis in both the women’s and men’s events have been exceptionally high this year. It has surprised me that there have been so many gritty performances, particularly in the women’s game, and not just from ladies with the stature of a Williams or Kvitova. Some of the more petite players thumping down serves at 100 mph plus, making returns and actually placing the ball is a welcome sign of progress.

Maria Sharapova remains an enigma to me, in comparison to others her game is a powder puff yet her mental strength is phenomenal. Her serve has never been great, even before the shoulder surgery, and she lacks the power of some of the up and coming players but her resolve to fight for every point continues to get her out of the bleakest of scenarios. 

Once again the question of ‘the grunt’ has been raised again. Much has been made of the noise level and frequency of the Sharapova / Azarenka / Nadal grunting and there would appear to be a split in the camp as to its acceptability.

I did read somewhere that young players are taught to grunt in their early years as it helps them to exhale when they make a shot. I can understand why that may be the case but is it strictly necessary in later years.

In martial arts students are taught to yell as they strike a blow because it forces you to breathe, meaning you take in more oxygen to give you energy. Effectively control of your breathing helps to focus on delivering the blow.

When I played cricket taking a breath and raising the bat were part of my backlift routine for the same reason but I never felt the need or urge to shriek as I played the shot, it simply helped to focus the mind for that split second before deciding how to play the ball.

I have also played a fair amount of squash over the years and never once have I heard anyone grunt while making their shots. Grunts of dismay (or worse) following a bad shot there have been plenty but grunting has never routinely been part of any opponent’s game.

Martina Navratilova says that she finds grunting a distraction since she prefers to listen to the ball off the racket in order to determine the quality and direction of the shot.

To my mind the answer is simple, if you start to penalise players for persistent offending it will not be long before the practice stops. The number of 2-footed tackles dropped dramatically in football when it was decided to make this a red card offence and players now think twice about removing their shirt in celebration of a goal. Similarly rules have been introduced in rugby and cricket to curb the more unwelcome elements of the game so I believe a change in the rules on grunting will greatly reduce the noise level on the tennis court.