Dog’s gonads and dog’s breakfast

In 1968 I had an epiphany, which I consider was pretty good going for a 10 year-old. In a moment of outstanding lucidity I recognised that I would live a lot longer and happier life if I made a conscious effort to avoid watching the first half of any England international football match. For a young lad who spent most of his waking hours chasing a ball of some persuasion around the garden, the playground, the park the sports field or any vacant patch of turf or tarmac I envisaged this to be a daunting challenge. However, history has proved the wisdom of my decision to be sound.

The 27^th June 2016 will forever be remembered for one of the worst displays by any international side in the history of the game. Not only did England capitulated to Iceland in their last 16 match of the European Championship but it was one of the rare occasions that I neglected to follow my own advice and watched the whole game. If England v Iceland had been the 17:00 kick-off then there would have been no problem, I would have bathed the goldfish till half-time, thus avoiding at least part of the embarrassing spectacle. Unfortunately Spain v Italy was the early match; it was a very enjoyable game full of skill, energy, inventiveness, incident and excitement. As a neutral I was not really fussed which side won. On paper Spain were the justifiable favourites, with the nucleus of their ‘golden generation’ intact. Neither side had performed well during the group stages and it was apparent that many for the stalwarts who had performed so well for Italy over the years had retired from the game. I don’t think even the most ardent Italian fan would have expected that their side would perform so well, yet alone go on to win the match.

Even the rain did not spoil the spectacle of a fiercely fault tussle that ebbed and flowed, with touches of brilliance right up until the last kick of the match. It really was the doggie’s doo-dahs.

Fed, watered, entertained and slumped in my armchair I then made the fatal error of deciding to remain for the England game (ok, the alternative would have been to do the washing up).

It was plain to see right from the kick off that the England team were not up for the occasion, unlike the Icelanders who chased down every ball and harried the opposition whenever they lost possession. In contrast the English team looked lethargic and inept with even the simplest of passes repeatedly going astray. Even with the early goal England seemed disinterested. The first thing you are taught in football at any level is that after scoring a goal, you do not switch off, especially during the next 5 minutes, when the opposition are likely to throw everything they have at you.

England didn’t seem to have a Plan A let alone a Plan B. Having made it to half time with just the solitary goal defecit, you would have expected the side to have been given a roasting and come out for the second half all guns blazing. It seems to me that Roy Hodgson used the break to draft his resignation speech. I can’t believe that the manager would come out with a statement only a day before saying that he would not beg for his contract to be renewed. That is the kind of comment you would expect from an arrogant manager and certainly Roy Hodgson is not an arrogant man, which makes you wonder why he said it.

You only have to contrast the 2 matches to see the differences – It is plain to see how the Spanish will attack with their intricate passing, what the Italians will try to do in defence then counter-attack and where Iceland will focus their attention on a solid defence, quick breaks and long throws into the box. Nobody knows where England’s priorities lie; We’re supposedly strong in attack, so we will play our most effective strikers out of position on the wing, why? We select players who have hardly kicked a ball all season through injury, why again? A player is dropped for a match because his confidence is shot to pieces and then play him in the next match in the hope that he may rediscover his form - that is why teams have a squad.

Forget the results, England may have come through the qualifying matches unbeaten but it was clear that even after 10 games there was no cohesive strategy in how the team was set out to play, nor was there any indication as to what format they were supposed to be playing nor who our best 11 players are.

It says a lot that Marcus Rashford was awarded England’s Player of the Match, yet he only came on for the last 6 minutes!

The water carrier for Iceland moved around the pitch quicker than some of the England players and he was about 3 times the size of Wayne Rooney. He probably covered more ground than most of the squad on the night as well.

I happened to be on a training course on the Monday and Tuesday along with a group of lads from other companies. We spent Monday’s lunchbreak discussing the games, as one does, and left in the afternoon suitably enthused about the prospects for the evening.

I would like to think that it was the dedication with which we were concentrating on our training because there was a huge white elephant in the room the following day. A few of the lads were seriously into their football but not one of us wanted to say a single word about either game for the whole day. There were no newspapers, no recriminations, no analysis, no one even asked if anyone had seen the game – it was as if the past 16 hours had been wiped out of our collective consciousness.

Much like the Brexit decision of Britain’s EU Referendum last week, few were expecting the outcome, even fewer were prepared for the result, there is not a lot that any of us can do about it now and there aren’t many people who seem to know where we go from here.