Time for a brew

It is now official, scientists have determined that drinking tea is better for the body than drinking water. Technically the anti-oxidant benefits of a good brew has greater benefit to the digestive system, which is something I have been arguing for years. My body is a temple to Earl Grey not Highland Spring, a penchant that I inherited from my father who was virtually fed intravenously from the teapot. Even a novice boy scout would have no trouble tracking him down in the house, all they would need to do was follow the trail on discarded half-supped cups of tea, and feel the temperature of the liquid.

Originally recognised in China for its medicinal purposes during the 10^th century BC it was not introduced to the West until the 16^th Century when it was transported by Portuguese priests and merchants. It wasn't really acknowledged in the UK until the 18^th century and remained a luxury up until the tax on tea was removed in the 1780s.

It took until the late 19^th century for it to be accepted as an affordable everyday beverage for the masses in this country.

As of 2004, it remains the most popular manufactured drink in the world, outstripping the global consumption of coffee, chocolate, alcohol and soft drinks combined. The average person drinks around 4 cups of tea per day, while many drink more than 6. Ireland is among the top countries for consumption of tea per capita. Topping the list in 2013 is Turkey, where the average is 10 cups a day! – No wonder they dance the way they do.

You would imagine that such a popular drink would be almost as simple as turning on a tap yet the complexities of such a simple product are astounding.

Tea, from the tea plant, which is a shrub, can be classified into several different grades depending on how it is processed – White, yellow, green, oolong black or post-fermented.

These differing classifications can then be blended to produce a teas with their own individual flavour. In addition to that there are teas with additives of flowers or spices as well as a great number of herbal teas. Strangely, many of these herbal teas, or herbal infusions, do not actually contain any trace of the tea plant.

That is the easy part, things get even more complicated when it comes to how it is packaged, prepared, served and drunk.

Tea can be packaged loose, compressed, in tea bags, instant, in bottles or in cans. It can be drunk at temperatures ranging from boiling to iced. 80% of all the tea consumed in America is served iced – then what would you expect from a nation that used to throw it back into the sea.

Different blends of tea are best served at differing temperatures. Which then leads to the question of how it is prepared and served. What utensil do you prepare it in? What temperature should this vessel be? Should you add the tea first then pour the water, or vice versa? Should you let it stand and ferment, if so, for how long? If you use a kettle should it be metal or plastic? Do you use a teapot or pour straight to a cup? China, plastic, paper or glass cup?

If you are using an additive such as milk, sugar or alcohol should you place this in the cup (or mug) first or last?

Such niceties may seem unimportant when you shuffle into the kitchen bleary-eyed in search of a drink to kick-start your day but they would be essential considerations were you to be attending a formal tea party or high tea.

We may all enjoy a refreshing cuppa while slumped in front of the TV but it is easy to forget the importance often associated with this drink. Rituals in different countries may vary but for some it is a true art form and it is almost universally accepted as a means of greeting.

We may all have our favourite cup or mug and even if we don't have our own set of 'best China' I would suspect that you will know some ageing relative who still keeps a tea service, a set of crockery that is only brought out on special occasions.

A journalist once narrated a story of a time when he was embedded with a British tank regiment during a period of tense international stand-off. While on patrol they found themselves in a narrow alley with their path blocked by an opposition tank. Not wishing to spark an international incident the tank commander opted for a tea break and invited the opposition commander to join them. Thirsts slated the opposing tank crew returned and realised that they had a pressing engagement in the next street leaving the British tank to proceed on its way unhindered.

What you do with your tea leaves / bags once you have finished is equally as individual. Astrologers have been reading the dregs that remain in the cup for almost as long as tea has been around. Some people use the leftovers as fertiliser for their gardens, while others use them to repel mosquitoes. They can also be used as beauty treatment and are purported to eradicate unpleasant odours.

Personally, I don't have a particular favourite though I am partial to the occasional Earl Grey or English Breakfast blend. Since my late teens I have found that my body is incapable of functioning fully until after the second cup of the day has been administered.

It would be a very sad (and difficult) day for me to go without a decent cup of tea so I have specified that a flask and tea bags be placed in my coffin in case I fancy a brew on my trip to the next world. Should I not have need of them and some archaeologist decide to open up my coffin in the distant future then at least they will be able to discern that I was a man of refinement and hopefully the smell will not be too bad.

The last bastion of civilisation has crumbled

It is official, the British can no longer claim to be good at anything since it has now been recognised that we are bad at queuing. Of all the factors that can be considered to have made Britain great it is perhaps fitting that this most quintessential facet of our behaviour should be the last to fall. There will be those who will wonder what all the fuss is about but for the majority of the population who still observe this polite culture the news will come as a bitter blow. Short of being told that you are not the love God you believe you are, your baby has a face like a leaking beach ball or your driving ability is sadly deficient there can be fewer admonishments that can strike such a sensitive nerve.

This country has a proud heritage of queuing for anything and everything, at any hour and in any conditions. We queue at the checkout, we queue in traffic, we queue for transport, we wait in line for service, we queue to get in to places, we queue to get out. For the sake of saving a few quid we will queue in freezing temperatures or even sleep on the street if necessary. There are even those who have embraced it as an art form.

I am seriously of a mind to have 'Queue here' engraved on my headstone. There are bound to be those that will pass by and stop. It will be nice to have the occasional visitor though don't expect me to be the greatest of company.

Unless you live alone you will be aware of the morning queue for the bathroom, what a way to start the day! Least favourite of my experiences is the queue at the doctors. The last place I want to be when I am ill is in an austere waiting room surrounded by sick people. The receptionist has the demeanour of a prison warder and the only available seat

is usually between the guy with the halitosis and a hyperactive child with vomit stains down the front of their jumper.

Another place I dread is post offices, or day care centres for the elderly as they have now become. Normally the heating system is blasting out hot air in these establishments, even in Summer. When you have the temerity to question why it is on the standard response is a snarled 'it's broken' (the same response you get when you enquire about the photo booth, the copier, the cash machine or the service counter buzzer). I try to avoid pension collection day when I am busy though would recommend it to those who enjoy people watching. Viewed as a game of Russian roulette it can be quite revealing. Try to guess who will be the first person to leave the queue. Usually they will have realised that they have forgotten an important document, have calculated that they won't have enough time to complete the task during their lunch hour, or simply lost the will to live. The really unfortunate ones are those who have spent so long in the queue that when they get to the front of the queue they have forgotten what it is they came in for. 

 

There must have been a scientist or mathematician somewhere who has worked out a formula to locate the most irate person in any queue. I am neither but would imagine that the equation would be based on the length of the queue, the amount of time spent waiting, the person's age and the urgency of the task which would allow you to identify the individual most on edge and, taking it to the next level, allow you to calculate the optimal time before the average person 'blew a gasket'.

Queuing is just part of our way of life, no one likes them or goes out of their way to participate in them, they just happen and normally we just stand their, grim-faced, waiting our turn.

Strangely, the phenomenon of queuing is not universally appreciated, in many countries the concept of queuing is totally alien and viewed with disdain. Clearly the endeavours of our missionary forebears to acquaint our colonial cousins with this element of our culture fell on deaf ears. Ironic then, that it should be the UK Border Agency who highlighted the fact that the British were so bad at queueing. Apparently, for years we have had the wrong types of queue. According to their statistics we have been queuing in the wrong places at the wrong times, which is why they haven't enough staff to process the number of people entering or leaving this country. It should be pointed out that there are several sets of statisticians who can't even agree on how to measure a queue. Average waiting times for processing applications at some of the UK airports vary from 30 minutes to 3.5 hours depending to which organisation you believe. On that premise I am guessing that it will be a long time before anyone gets round to working out where and when they would like a queue to be formed.

On the subject of statistics, it has been calculated that the average person in the UK spends 19 days a year standing in queues for one thing or another. If you add on the amount of time spent stuck in traffic queues or waiting for transport to arrive this rises to 27 days, and if you include the amount of time spent on 'hold', or listening to Vivaldi down the telephone then this takes the total to 35 days. Over a month of each year is spent queueing. Its enough to make you 'blow a gasket', only I don't want to wait around for someone to turn up and fix it.