Travel Tragedy

There was a time when overseas travel was something very special. Growing up in the 60's, my grandfather had just retired and as a seasoned traveller he and my grandmother embarked on a series of adventures commencing with a round the world tour, followed by a series shorter trips to exotic locations. I would categorise my grandparents as being from the twinset and pearls generation and it seemed as if they were both members of some exclusive club which was all very hush hush. I am sure that my grandfather would have played up to this ideal to please me. Everything was conducted in the utmost secret, and he would tell me that he had to go to a meeting with Mr. Cook in London. I didn't know who P & O or Cunard were then, I supposed them to be spies or some high ranking official in the Foreign Office. Eventually I would be told details of their planned excursion and would look forward to the numerous cards and letters that would be sent from each location along the journey. It is a sign of the times that even the service in those days was part of the grand experience. Each booking seemed to come with its own set of baggage labels, stickers, itinerary and telegrams of confirmation. 

 

Maybe there were local travel agents in the 60's, but I can't recall seeing any, all I can remember is that my grandfather made a big thing of his trips to London to book his holidays. There was no internet in those days, package holidays were just taking off, destinations were limited as were the modes of transport.

In the course of my work I have recently had need to visit one of the hundreds of Thomas Cook outlets and I couldn't help wondering what my grandfather would have made of the experience in their modern stores. The impression I have always held of the company is of one of the elder statesmen of the travel industry, slightly staid and formal with a strong sense of tradition.

I guess I inherited the travel bug from my grandparents and generally use the internet to choose and book trips abroad. On the rare occasions that I have used a travel agent I liked the pictures of palm trees, sandy beaches, exotic locations and cruise ships floating majestically into the sunset. Personally I find that the modern travel agent is rather depressing, less photos of exotic foreign landmarks and cities, more mural displays of cocktails, bikini clad models with unbelievably white teeth, kids on waterslides and empty deckchairs posed by pretentious photographers. Even the Thomas Cook logo has been given a makeover – I think they have tried to copy the heart-shaped symbolism that is the current vogue, unfortunately it looks more like a golden urinal.

Maybe I just have an aversion to shopping, or perhaps it is the sales patter I find irritating, (I am not saying that the travel industry is any better or worse than countless other service industries) nothing raises my hackles more than the predatory approach of some shop staff sizing someone's budget up as soon as they walk through the door, the piped music being drowned out by the whirring of cogs as they try to mentally calculate how much your potential custom would contribute towards their weekly sales target.

You don't have to be a maths professor to realise that a great many of the travel agencies are offering virtually identical packages to the same resorts, which can be annoying when looking for that special deal but can be a godsend if you can only travel on certain days. I happened to be working in Bridgend and there must have been 8 to 10 travel agencies in the small Welsh town, at least 5 within 200 yards of each other. I have nothing against competition but when does this become overkill? Maybe I am mistaken but I was under the impression that Bridgend was one of the most deprived areas of the country, where does all the money come from to support this many travel companies?

Returning to the golden age of travel, even if you had only booked a weekend in Bognor you walked out of the shop feeling as if you had purchased a passage on the Orient Express. Sadly, these days, you can book the most luxurious trip to far flung destinations and come away feeling as if you have booked your place on a cattle transporter. Maybe the popularisation and availability of global travel has taken the sparkle off the process or maybe it is the price we have to pay for cheap travel.

There was a time when a map of the world was a staple fixture in any travel agent, I can't remember the last time I ever saw one on display in any agency, which is a shame. It begs the question, do the staff have any idea where they are sending their customers or are we all just numbers filling vacant slots.

Perhaps the dumbing down in the stores is inevitable, for decades the Summer school holiday period has been the cash cow for the travel industry, so it should not come as a surprise to see plastic inflatable planes, buckets and spades and cutouts of Disney characters given pride of place in these stores. The sad fact is that more often when I visit a stores, irrespective of brand, it is usually populated by a stream of pensioners looking for a winter break or booking trips to see relatives who have relocated abroad and the odd couple who popped in just to get out of the cold.

It is a sign of the times we live in that no business ever has enough staff to satisfy demand, such is the need to keep shareholders satisfied that the paying public is expected to wait for almost everything. Hence I found myself looking along the racks of brochures, playing countdown with 'Reykavik' and wondering where Burkina Faso is. I had to chuckle at one glossy brochure that caught my eye, just because it was so out of keeping with the rest. It was a brochure for a coach travel company with a simple photo of what I imagine is the flagship of their fleet on the front cover. A bright red monster coach with curves in places that would give an aerodynamics tester a seizure. The smiling driver clearly enjoyed the unconventional design though I couldn't imagine anything worse than travelling around Europe on what, to me, looked like a suped-up dust-cart.

Ultimately my days work was enhanced by the thought that it is now a matter of weeks before my wife and I will be off on our annual sojourn to the sun. There is a certain mischievous glee I will be packing in my suitcase this year knowing that there are usually a great many Scots tourists who frequent this country. Over the years there have been a number of late night debates about the perceived injustices throughout history. Having had to suffer the interminable blow-by-blow debate regarding the independence of Scotland for the past year or more I will be able to sit on the sidelines and listen to the jingoistic slurs in the knowledge that the Scots will in future get what they voted for (whichever way it goes) not that it will stop them from moaning about something or other.

Sport's Summer of sultry, soggy, shocks and success

By nature the British are a stoic and cautious breed which has earned them an international reputation for unpredictability. Nowhere is this better demonstrated than in the skies and on our playing fields. The weather in and around this small island is notoriously fickle and over recent years the gods have made reigned havoc over the Summer months. Equally unpredictable have been the performances of our sporting elite.

2014 has been a busy year of sport with the Soccer World Cup, the Commonwealth Games, Wimbledon, a long season of international cricket, the Twenty20 World Cup, Golf and a wealth of rugby international fixtures.

As Roy Hodgson says, we are not very good with the ball at our feet and we are not very good with the ball in the air – Now I may not have taken my FA coaching badges but in my understanding that does rather limit our options given the objectives of the game.

Things were going so well up to the point that the team got on the plane. Roy looked very much at home on his fact finding mission to Manaus (in that 'Bemused pensioner abroad' guise - must have really put the fear into the opposition). By and large no one was expecting the side to do brilliantly in this tournament so there should have been no surprises when the overall performance can at best be described as 'understated'. What I did not expect to read were so many people saying afterwards that we should have achieved more. Yes, on our day the team should have done better but based on the performances on the pitch I don't see how we deserved any more. Some of the less fancied teams turned up and raised their game, sadly we did not.

It was an interesting competition, that had its share of great moments, touches of individual brilliance and outstanding games but overall you could not say that any of the teams was in the same bracket as some of the great sides of the past.

The tennis came hard on the back of the soccer which helped the healing process. Andy Murray once more carried the British hopes but never looked at ease following his back problems. The fact that the tournament was played in largely glorious weather was an added bonus and the overall standard was pretty high.

Golf always has been a great leveller and with Tiger Woods returning from injury and Rory McIlroy's form wavering it has been an interesting Summer which opened the door for other players to step up to the mark. Though Tiger has already ruled himself out through injury it should be an interesting Ryder Cup at Gleneagles in September.

England's cricketing woes continued throughout most of the Summer. Apart from the last 3 test matches, which were the first we had won in 11 tests, the majority of the performances were way below expected. Alastair Cook and Ian Bell couldn't buy a run, the bowling was average and the middle order batting was unable to step up to the plate with any consistency.

What has been intriguing to me is the number of records that have been set by lower order batsmen. I'm not sure that it tells us much about the standard of batting or bowling, but it has made several of the matches far more entertaining than they deserved to be.

Let's face it, as a bowler James Anderson is one of the best swing-bowlers around, but with bat in hand he is a 'ferret' (the guy they send in after the 'rabbits'). For him to score 95 runs in a test match, at number 11! - It must have been a full moon.

In the 2^nd test England managed to conjure defeat from a winning position and in the remaining 3 tests India capitulated through a mixture of strange team selection, poor bowling and weak batting. A great pity since several of their top order batsmen are very capable run scorers though, Dhoni apart, they were all going through the same turmoil that has thwarted Alastair Cook for much of the past 18 months.

So now we are back to the football season and it would seem that the heat has already made some of the club chairmen tetchy. One manager in the championship was sacked after just one game, and Crystal Palace parted company with their manager, Tony Pulis, 2 days before the start of the season.

The usual frenzy of the transfer market distracts the attention from what is happening on the pitch. Personally, I think it is to the detriment of the game to have a transfer window that stretches into the season. It is hard enough to get a new team of players to gel on the pitch and it can't help not knowing whether you are going have the same squad from one day to the next.

While most clubs are forced to rummage around in the bargain basement it would seem that the present trend is for the rich clubs to buy up any player they deem to be a potential threat to them and loan them out to a team from a league as far removed from their own as possible.

A lot of money appears to have changed hands but it is hard to see that any Premier League side has greatly strengthened their squad. I would love someone to explain what is going on at Southampton. Having overachieved last year they have sold the backbone of the team and consequently find themselves favourites for the drop this season. Liverpool have splashed the cash in the expectation of a run in the Champions League, Manchester United, Manchester City,Tottenham, Arsenal and Everton seem to be chasing every player with a world cup pedigree who is unsettled or only has a year left on their contract.

The fact so many of the top clubs have been looking to offload some of their fringe or surplus players (and largely failing) would indicate how the market has been driven by over-priced prima donnas. The number of clubs competing for the top players is increasing as the game increases it global foothold. Transfer fees may continue to rise but you really have to question what you are getting for your money.

Are the likes of Messi, Ronaldo, Bale really worth £80m? Eyebrows were raised when Torres was sold to Chelsea for £50m. Given some of the fees paid of late it is a wonder eyes have not popped out of their sockets.

This time last season I was warming to the transfer of Mehmet Ozil to Arsenal for £42m as shrewd business (the sight of Wenger opening his wallet always raises an eyebrow). Up until Christmas he looked like a man on a mission, since then he looks like a man who has gone missing. A world class player who has lost the 'cl'. Players with the talent of a Torres or an Ozil do not lose their ability overnight, all players go through bad spells, but usually the confidence returns and they bounce back. With the pressures of the game today and the money being spent on the top performing players it remains to be seen how long clubs will wait for players to re-discover their form once it has deserted them.

No sooner has Liverpool's Bad Boy, Luis Suarez, left these shores than they replace him with another bad boy, Mario Balotelli. He might be good for the telly, not so sure what damage he might bring to the dressing-room. And, in what appears to have a whiff of desperation Manchester United have forked out nearly £60m for Argentine winger, Angel Di Maria, taking their spending in the past 2 years to over £200m. Personally, I did not think that Di Maria had a particularly great world cup. Yes, he has a certain talent but I feel his valuation has been boosted by the unavailability of many of the other top players.

Not sure what was going through Arsene Wenger's mind when he allowed Cesc Fabregas to move to Chelsea for £27m. Maybe Arsenal do have a surfeit of midfielders on the payroll but most of them have season tickets for the treatment room, none are natural leaders and allowing a player of his class to go to one of your main competitors, when you have 1^st option would seem contrary to what most other clubs would have done.

 

Clearly the Summer sun has gone to some of the manager's heads, or is it just the heat of the battle.

Bongos at the ready – it's samba time! Let's go Brazil nuts.

With the World Cup, Commonwealth Games, Wimbledon, Sri Lanka and India test matches in this country and some tasty rugby tours taking place in the southern hemisphere I have been really looking forward to a great Summer of sport in the safe knowledge that my heart-rate would not be put placed under too much pressure during any of England's performances.

Never having been a fan of pyjama cricket I can't say that I paid much attention to the Twenty20 World Cup but I did enjoy the test matches against Sri Lanka which were made far more entertaining than they should have been largely due to England's ineptitude with both bat and ball. That both Stuart Broad and James Anderson failed to perform on pitches that were 'tailored' to suit them only served to highlight the lack of a quality spinner. Fine bowlers as they are on their day, neither seemed capable of bowling a consistent length that would put pressure on the Sri Lankan batsmen.

The roof on Centre Court at Wimbledon has improved the spectacle considerably. I watched the match between Eugenie Bouchard and Alize Cornet yesterday and was impressed not only with both performances but the fact that they could hit the ball without squealing like a stuck pig.

On the men's game, the top 4 looked to be in ominous form until the 19 year-old wild card from Australia, Nick Kyrgios, blasted Rafa Nadel out of the competition with an impeccable display of thunderous serving that never allowed the world number 1 to get into his rhythm. It remains to be seen whether the youngster can maintain the quality and focus but with a 133 mph first serve (and a 2^nd serve of not much less) he could cause the other big boys a few headaches.

As for the Soccer World Cup, love the atmosphere in Brazil which has certainly lived up to expectations. I always thought that this would be a particularly open tournament in terms of team performance. The difference in climate around the country has definitely had an influence on some of the games but it has not spoiled the enjoyment of what has so far been a wonderful spectacle, with goals and incidents aplenty.

The climate I believe favours the South American sides yet I don't think there is any stand out team that you could say is a shoe-in for the final.

Teams seem to fall into distinctive styles, Brazil, Argentina, Uruguay build the teams around their big names (Neymar, Messi and Suarez respectively) while others have made an impact through a collective performance. Then there is England – who fall into neither category.

Anyone who has taken the remotest interest in the game that is played on the playgrounds and pitches in this country (rather than the hype that is played out on the back pages of the tabloids) will realise the futility of placing any expectations on our national team. Yes, they were poor but I don't think they played as badly as some would have us believe. Would the results have been different if Suarez had been available for the Costa Rica game? What if we had not played Italy in Manaus, or the fixtures had been in reverse order?

Personally I would have liked to see John Terry and Ashley Cole playing. Both have the experience and unlike Steve Gerrard (good player as he is) John Terry is capable of marshalling the back 4, which is where we are particularly weak. Other than those 2, it is hard to say that the squad was not the strongest we could pick for this tournament.

It is frustrating looking at the performances of the likes of Iran, Nigeria and Algeria who have called upon players from lower leagues but still managed to piece together a unit capable of stringing more than half a dozen passes without giving the ball away.

It has always been an irritation to me that so many players at the top level are incapable of kicking the ball with either foot. What I find hard to understand is how often players fail to make a 6 yard pass with their good foot, even when they are under no pressure. Maybe the England team are very good at 'keepie-uppie' but you will never build a cohesive team if you don't have a strategy, can't pass the ball and most importantly can't keep hold of the ball effectively.

Of equal concern is the disappointing quality of heading displayed throughout the tournament. A lot of this is due to poor technique but I think there may be other factors to explain why so many balls bounced tamely off expensively coiffured bonces and ballooned into the arms of a delighted goalkeeper. As an aging man with a receding hairline I know that I am on thin ice when it comes to comments on hairstyles - A lot of players seem to have been sporting a  semi-shaved cut that I can only imagine is a homage to 'the Brazilian' bikini wax. It takes guts to go onto the pitch looking like a tosser, even worse if you play like one - I guess that in years to come they will look back at the footage and cringe in the same way as we all do when confronted by the folly of our youth.

Unfortunately the off field scandals have rumbled on throughout the tournament, fortunately the quality of the football has temporarily diverted the attention from them, but there are still a great many issues that football's governing body needs to address. The awarding of the 2022 tournament to Qatar, corruption within FIFA, match fixing allegations and the cost of staging the tournament. Is it any wonder that Sepp Blatter is roundly booed at every game he chooses to attend. How can he stand up and say that FIFA will investigate the corruption within its own organisation? That surely has to be done by an independent body.

I'm not sure about the conundrum that is Luis Suarez, a great player, compelling to watch but a total liability. This is the 3^rd biting incident during his playing career and I really wonder if the fine and ban imposed on him would have been different if the perpetrator had not had such a high profile in the game. I can't help feeling that a player from the 4^th tier of football would have been banned from game for life while, had the biting occurred anywhere other than on a football field he would have faced criminal charges.

Could Suarez now be come the first footballer to have his teeth ensured for more than his feet? Maybe some enterprising promoter could set up a battle 'Suarez v Tyson – Winner eats all'.

Away from the TV I have been following the World Cup via the BBC website and one particular element did get me thinking. Picking your favourite all-time World Cup XI from a pool selected by experts. It was a lot harder than I had thought because there are several ways that you could approach this. The most effective; the most pleasing to watch; the best balance and I dare say you could think of other criteria to take into consideration.

I have tried to pick a team that from players that I have enjoyed watching over the years and that I believe could play as a cohesive unit. This inevitably has meant that I have been unable to find a place for several of my favourite players but, for posterity, here is my selection for the All-time World Cup XI as well as a Team of the tournament based on the performances that I have seen so far in this World Cup.

All-Time World Cup XI

Dino Zoff (Italy)
Roberto Carlos (Brazil)
Paulo Maldini (Italy)
Franz Beckenbauer (Germany)
Bobby Moore (England)
Jairzinho (Brazil)
Garrincha (Brazil)
Zinedine Zidane (France)
Miroslav Klose (Germany)
Johan Cruyff (Netherlands)
Pele ((Brazil)

Cafu was ruled out for the worst piece of theatricals, Maradona for cheating; Miroslav Klose gets the nod ahead of Gerd Muller on the basis that I can't remember seeing Muller moving anywhere other than inside the penalty box and Cristiano Ronaldo is omitted on grounds that he has never really brought his right boots to the World Cup. 
 

It would have been nice to have found a place for Eusebio and Zico but I would probably go with Platini as reserve, if it was only possible to play with 1 substitute.

2014 World Cup XI

Ochoa (Mexico)
Omeruo (Nigeria)
Hummels (Germany)
Marquez (Mexico)
Zabaleta (Argentina)
James (Columbia)
Valbuena (France)
Pirlo (Italy)
Robben (Netherlands)

Van Persie (Netherlands)
Messi (Argentina)


Substitutes:

Howard (USA)
Beasley (USA)
Cuadrado (Columbia)
Feghouli (Algeria)
Musa (Nigeria)

Muller (Germany)

Who would I pick to go on and win the cup? As I mentioned I don't think any team is playing particularly well at present, but the usual suspect have managed to force their way through to the quarter-final stage. For the sake of the tournament I would like to see Brazil make it to the final; I am not convinced that the Dutch have the temperament to go all the way and could well 'bottle it' under pressure. The romantic in me would like to see Columbia or Costa Rica take the title but I think the Germans have the experience that could see them sneak through and win it, even if they are playing poorly.

Separated at birth

Eurovision Song Competition

I was surprised to read this week one erstwhile commentator  state that the Eurovision Song Contest has evolved; I’m not sure on what premise they base this observation. As far as I can see it is still as safe, staid and homogenised as the monarchy. The only thing that intrigues me is that it still has the ability to attract such a huge viewing audience in days when there are so many alternative sources of entertainment.

I grew up during a period when the competition was still in its infancy. I was never a fan of the music but since when has the competition ever been about the music. Perhaps part of the success stemmed from the naive belief that anything foreign was seen to be exotic, and I question whether it would ever have attracted such interest were it not for the fact that there were only two  television channels in this country at the time.

It is surprising just how little has changed over the years, albeit that there are more countries than ever taking part.  The show’s presenters still have that pained expression of ‘what the heck do I do next’ and ‘how can I be spontaneously witty in 20 different languages’. There is still a lot of chiffon, dry ice, pyrotechnics and enough makeup to keep Boots stocked for a week. By and large the songs still follow the same formulaic pattern of plinky-plink catchy or folksy ballads. Then  there is the proud procession of musical arrangers / conductors who queue up for their 15 minutes of fame with optimistic (smug) grins before the annual farce of political point scoring that is supposed to produce a worthy winner. 

If one was to be kind you would have to say that the judging is about the only thing in the competition that has evolved, mainly due to changes in the political climate and the expansion to include more countries. These days it is little more than an opportunity for allies to exchange favours no matter what quality the performance, or settle old scores with enemies that have lasted for centuries.

Each year seems to throw up one  or two oddities where some brave country  tries to step away from convention by entering  a gimmick rather than a song. In the past we have had mime artists, jugglers, punks, dancers,  groups of old ladies and a band that looked like they had come straight from the set of a ‘Mad Max’ movie.   This year  we are to be treated to  a bearded lady from Austria and a boy band on a trampoline from Greece.

Maybe it is a sign of age that I quite liked the unpredictability of the early years, the fact that  it was in black and white with cameras a fair old distance from the stage and the uncertainty of telecommunication links. I can’t say that I am a great fan of modern camera techniques and I don’t really want to see an artist’s nasal hair in high definition on my TV screen.

 I remember back in the 70s and 80s when contestants needed to release versions of their entry in several languages in order to benefit from international sales following the competition. Nowadays a great number of the entries choose to perform their songs in English, which seems to be the lingua franca. This I feel is a pity because I quite liked it when there were so many other languages to listen to. Part of the appeal to me was not understanding the language and having  to create my own words to the song based purely on intonation and facial expressions. I would have loved to have seen the ‘’Finnish’ entry win with what I took to be  a durgy ode to a lettuce or the ‘Turkish’ duo whose ‘ballad of their lost dog’ would have received my vote.

As far as I can see the greatest evolution in the 60 years of this competition has been the level of hype. Though this may increase year on year sadly the quality of the entertainment  has not improved significantly and I for one will be reaching for a good book and giving the TV a wide berth tonight.

Strictly on ice

So Torvill and Dean want  to do ‘Strictly’, a bit of a shoe- in I would have thought given their qualities as choreographers and the poise and elegance they still exhibit on the ice.

I can already imagine the frantic conversations in the BBC production office. Undoubtedly there will need to be some form of handicapping to give other celebrities a chance. Perhaps they will have to do lifts and throws – They already do lifts and throws. What about spins on the ground, or in the air? They already do those. How about  no hands? A regular part of their routine. Well they will have to dance backwards then. Done it, and at speed. We can't have them do it blindfold, health and safety will be on our backs. Oh well, we’ll just have to pair them off with Ann Widdecombe and John Sargent.

Sweet dreams are made of this?

Not for the first time I have found my domestic routine plunged into turmoil by my neighbours. From time to time I am required by my employer to work anti-social hours, meaning I do not get to bed till sun up. It has been many decades since I routinely stumbled into bed at that hour and I still find it difficult to fall asleep at that time of day, even if I have been on the go for 20 hours or more. Given that background you can perhaps understand that I was not overjoyed to be awoken at 10 am by the vibration of the wardrobe. Either the neighbour’s garbage disposal had gone into reverse or their teenage son was taking advantage of his parent’s absence to play his latest ‘musical’ acquisition on the stereo at full throttle. I thought the current thing was to wear expensive headphones (or are they just for showboating in the street?).  Given that I possess a modest collection of vinyl of fairly diverse nature you would think I have a certain empathy with the eclectic  however, there is only so far that taste will permit me to go and sadly that does not extend to listening to what I could only describe as a group of kids clog dancing in custard  while having your head immersed in a fish tank.  Not content with bunking off school for the day I am ‘treated’ to further renditions of the same track, over and over again. Eventually he bores himself into oblivion and disappears off to the shops to see his mates. No sooner has the front door been slammed shut behind him, than the family’s odious pooch starts yapping. I wonder how they would like 300 watts of Stockhausen at 3 am? Probably enjoy it, I’m guessing – only joking, I wouldn’t inflict Stockhausen on my worst enemy.

It dawns on me that there is a thumping pain in my lower jaw. A delicate pawing with my tongue confirms my suspicions that one of my back teeth is playing up. Yup, that nerve is definitely not happy. Did you know that it is possible to estimate a person’s age purely by looking at their teeth. During the 1960’s dentists were paid according to the number of fillings they made, hence I have enough shrapnel in my mouth to make a small saucepan. For over 25 years I suffered the same dentist fervently drilling into each stain or shadow on my teeth as if his life depended on it while bemoaning the fact that dentistry is such a poorly paid profession – then the bugger has the gall to retire at the age of 45! He swans off into the sunset while I am left to ponder his handiwork and await the onset of metal fatigue.  To say my views on dentistry are somewhat tainted is an understatement, after all the film ‘Marathon Man’, with Dustin Hoffman and Laurence Olivier, was released in my mid-teens and if you can sit through the dentistry scene without wincing then my guess is that you don’t have a single nerve in your head.

It’s no good I am awake now – eventually my mind turns to the reasons why I am in this position in the first place and why it was so necessary for me to have to work through the night in the first place. My mind has still been trying to get to grips with the fallout from this week’s budget so it was not long before both strands of consciousness inter-twined with mixed consequences. Being one of  ‘the squeezed middle’ in ‘press-speak’ I don’t feel that the budget has done much to help me (has it ever?). Maybe it was the pain of the tooth but for some reason my loathing was particularly directed towards accountants – why couldn’t they go on strike for a change?  I find it hard to take any figures quoted from government sources seriously given that the economists and accountants who have invariable supplied this information have proved so incompetent in the past. Is it any wonder given that this country is so bad at maths. It seems to me  that most of the figures banded about by politicians are guesstimates, statistics which are then selectively manipulated in whichever direction desired to convey them in the best light to support your point of view – this is modern day accountancy which is very different from the number-crunching role that was the original credo for accountants.

In my youth an accountant was someone who in basic terms added up 2 columns of numbers and ensured that they balanced. Most companies had an Accounts Department which consisted of a couple of earnest looking gentlemen in Arran cardigans and Hush Puppies who beavered away in a smoke filled office surrounded by racks of dust covered ledgers. At my first job after leaving school there were 2 such senior accountants with 1 junior accountant, a trainee accountant and an account’s clerk – within 9 months the department had grown to 60 staff and to this day no one has been able to tell me why.

You could always tell when one of them was on the move because a haze of Old Holborn would waft down the corridor. I can still see their fingers stained in equal measures of nicotine and red ink when they used to hand me their paperwork. A very  different proposition from the Armani clad army of today in their £500 designer shoes.

These days the term 'creative accounting' seems to equate to anything that the company believe they can get away with. A term which the old pencil pushers took to mean switching the ledger from portrait to landscape, or at a pinch embossing the year on the front of the ledger is now an art form for misdirecting and concealing funds so complex that even an accomplished magician would find the processes hard to track.

Obviously there were other areas of accountancy besides simple book keeping but in those days things got done. People who ran departments or companies were allowed to do what was required and the accountant tied up the loose ends, dotted the i’s and crossed the t’s.      

If you wanted to take on a new venture you would go ahead and do it; if you felt you needed more staff you would hire them or if you needed new equipment then you would go ahead and buy it.

Remember the advert of the ‘Bank Manager in the closet’, that was my understanding of their role in life, if I need an accountant I want one in the wardrobe, not one in my face.

These days accountants rule the world, they are no longer number crunchers and hold more sway in the boardroom than many CEOs.  Their involvement in the decision making processes of many companies is quite frightening. How many projects or innovations have been scuppered at the stroke of a red pen?

It would seem that every decision from the 10 year business plan to the choice of coffee stocked in the vending machines has to be signed off by an accountant. The chances are there is some unnamed accountancy spy in your office counting the number of times people fart, while his colleagues investigate whether there is any opportunity to make these tax deductable or pass on the cost to the customer.  The fact that we are still in a global financial crisis is largely due to accountancy ‘oversights’ in the banking sector.

Accountants may understand numbers but few of them have any knowledge of the requirements of the industries they represent, or if they do, they choose to ignore the core principles and focus solely on the process of creating profit for the shareholders.

Companies now employ teams of accountants and lawyers purely to exploit loopholes in the tax system. Is it right that the likes of Starbucks, Google and Amazon should be able to avoid paying tax in certain countries because some smart-arse accountant has found a way to reduce the bills by channelling the figures through countries with a more beneficial tax system?

Accountants everywhere are trying to shave margins off the running cost of their companies, who in turn need to employ more managers to apply these decisions and ensure that targets are met. Life is not all about margins – many companies have already trimmed back their workforce to the bone during the recession yet still the accountants are looking for greater savings. You cannot get blood out of a stone. How many companies are able to provide the same level of service they were 5 years ago? Maybe 4 people could do the work of 5, but are they going to be able to provide the same level of service? Probably not. Maybe skilled workers could be replaced with cheaper, lower skilled staff – can a labourer do the job of a master craftsman? What are the skilled workers expected to do? Employers don’t want to train up new staff, they don’t want to pay for experienced staff – let’s create another ‘squeezed middle’ and see what happens when they become too expensive to employ.

How many opportunities have been passed up because the funding has not been available for investment? How many medical or technical breakthroughs have been missed because the plugs were pulled on the finances? How many jobs have been lost or careers destroyed at the stroke of a pen because it looks neater on the balance sheet? I watched a documentary recently that discussed the number of musicians and entertainers who would never have seen the light of day under present economic pressures. Would the likes of Bob Dylan or The Rolling Stones ever been given a recording contract if they were starting out today? Would shows like ‘Les Miserables’ or ‘Cats’ ever been staged? You only have to look at the number and the types of films and TV that are being made today to see who is holding the purse strings.

No one is prepared to take risks any more yet the government keep harping on about ‘entrepreneurship’, ‘competition’ and ‘pioneers’. It is incredibly hard to get any new idea off the ground when it is so difficult to obtain the necessary financial support and it is so easy for predatory companies to step in and buy up a new company as soon as they feel that the competition might be threat to their share of the market. And who is normally the biggest fly in the ointment? The accountant.

The fact that we have so many ‘Science Parks’, ‘Technology Parks’ and ‘Enterprise Parks’ around the country is symptomatic of the lack of invention demonstrated by the land developers in the naming of their cash cows. Most of the Science Parks I have visited consist of a collection of empty offices, a few call centres, a double glazing company and a tyre / exhaust replacement centre, while the most enterprising thing you will find on many an Enterprise Park is a snack van selling venison and peanut butter burgers.

In this country we have teachers, doctors, nurses, and many other skilled staff leaving their professions because they can no longer tolerate the financial pressures being forced upon them. Many industries report difficulties in recruiting and retaining qualified staff, yet few employers are willing to train staff or pay for these skills. It is essential for us to maintain these skills for the future if the economy is to grow otherwise the work will disappear to other countries who have invested in the development of these skills  and we will be left with a nation of baristas, part time shop staff and call centre workers.

The problems back in 2008 should have been a wake up call for everyone but the only thing that seems to have changed is that those largely responsible for the financial turmoil through their lust for profit have learned nothing and are now even more determined to recover their losses through even greater greed.

And after all that you expect me to get out of bed? To hell with it, a couple of Nurofen for my tooth and I’ll take my chances with the neighbour’s ‘backed up disposal unit’.

Sweet dreams.