Faux Fashion

Hello my fashion-conscious friends,

just thought I should let the good people of England know that I, Slapen Tikl, the renowned Croatian fashion designer, will be bringing my new Summer collection to London Fashion Week next year. My team have been working around the clock seeking inspirational ideas from all over the world. I finally believe that I have managed to create a style that will captivate the discerning critics and the buying public in my favourite capital city.

I am really excited at this opportunity to display my latest selection of clothes alongside the great fashion names of Vivienne Westwood, Paul Smith, DAKS and Burberry.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with my work, think of me as 'Gok Wan Extreme', though not quite as tutti frutti. I like the beautiful ladies, they are not just there to walk about in the sexy clothes, yes? And I don't wear the hair gel, the moisturiser or the geeky specs, otherwise we are like cheese from the same rack – only he soft-ripened and blue-veined while I am more like a Stinking Bishop.

We both like to dress the women with their lumpity-bumpity bits, making them look gorgeous in clothes made from all kinds of materials. I share Gok's passion for experimentation and love the use of accessories to embellish my creations.

It is my belief that fashion is art and it should be a reflection of what is happening around us, so I have based the theme of my new collection on what I see going on around me. We are in the grips of a global recession so I have tried to strip my designs back to basics, using cheap and available materials that are also ecologically and environmentally friendly.

Last year in New York my collection of dresses made from elephant poop received a warm response but next year I hope to surpass myself with a twist on an old theme using bin liners. When they were first styled on the catwalk they were only available in the one colour but today, the supply is more plentiful an the bags come in a range of colours, sizes, thicknesses and materials which I am really looking forward to playing around with.

Every bone in my body tells me that fashion is not simply about wearing the right clothes. It is no longer good enough just to look good and feel good. This is the 21st century and people now want more from their outfits – the Tikl brand has been delivering these qualities for the past decade but from next year owners of my latest creations will have the added bonus of wearing garments that taste good!!!

We have incorporated recycled materials (including bin-bags) into our designs for several years so it would seem a natural progression to utilise the contents of these bags. Initially I viewed it as a social experiment based on the premise of 'we are what we eat', in which case wearing what we eat should be an expression of who we are, yes?

Some of my vegan models were sceptical of my motivations but others jumped at the chance to wear a pair of shoulder pads fashioned out of melon, cauliflower earrings or a pizza tantaliser. And why not? Carmen Miranda made a very good career with her film wardrobe festooned in fruit. Food is so much more plentiful these days, there is such a rich variety of colours, flavours and textures. I particularly enjoy working with pasta and seeing what can be achieved with so many different shapes.

Admittedly there were setbacks in my early designs. Several of them utilised more food than some of the models ate in a month and often the models would eat the embellishments faster than I could attach them to the costume. Finding the right preservative has now enabled me to extend the shelf-life of my creations and fulfilled the measures set in place by the Customs authorities on the transportation of food produce between countries.

As a young designer I never envisaged a day when it would be necessary for me to have a food scientist working on my team but we are now working at the cutting edge of fashion, are pushing back the boundaries of what can be achieved almost on a daily basis and I very much look forward to bringing the very latest Tikl collection to London next year.