27 April 2013

Totally fruity

If I were take a bite out of Graham Norton's arm would that count as 1 of my 5-a-day?

Maybe I have missed something in the Luis Suarez debate. If a member of the public were to turn to the person sitting next to them on a bus and take a bite out of their shoulder then the impression that I get is that this could either be construed as Common Assault or Actual Bodily Harm, dependent on the motivation for the attack and the extent of any injury. The more serious crime (ABH) could carry with it a maximum sentence of 5 years imprisonment. At the very least you would expect someone who attacks an innocent bystander for no apparent reason to be detained for psychiatric evaluation.



I can't conceive any good reason for anyone to bite another person let alone on a football pitch in front of a 45,000 witnesses. I take my hat off to Branislav Ivanovic for showing such restraint but cannot understand how respected officials and commentators can view that the punishment handed down to Luis Suarez by Liverpool Football Club and the FA as harsh.

Even the most ardent Liverpool supporter would find it difficult to justify Suarez's actions. There is no place for this kind of behaviour in society or sport, especially a sport with such global appeal.

The fact that all the attention has been focused on this moment of madness instead of the anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster and the tributes being paid to those that have fought for justice for the victims is disappointing.  

The lad may have a great talent in his feet but there is definitely a screw loose in his head. This is not the first time that he has taken a bite at a player and controversy seems to dog him wherever he goes. To argue that the 10 match ban is harsh, that it is disproportionate to the crime and should only have been 3 matches is ridiculous. To claim that Suarez is being targeted because he is high profile, he's a foreigner or has previous form is equally ridiculous. What he did is a commit a senseless crime, why should it be treated any different just because it happened on a football pitch and the perpetrator happens to have a rare talent? 

So he gets to spend a few weeks sitting at home watching his colleagues and bemoaning the loss of a month's pocket money. Go get yourself some treatment Mr. Suarez and be thankful that you have been treated considerably more leniently than most individuals who have committed such a similarly sickening attack.


8 April 2013

to boldly go ....

I must admit to feeling a trifle deflated over recent weeks following the news that Sir Ranulph Feinnes has been forced to withdraw from his latest Antarctic expedition due to frostbite. Not that I imagine my mood is any greater than the frustration that the multi-hyphenated-old etonian must feel following his latest mishap.

The man undoubtedly has more guts than sense and is worthy of a place on the endangered species list as a member of a declining breed of great British eccentrics.

To be truthful I had been expostulating on the next big event that David Cameron was going to pull out of the bag to boost the flagging feel-good factor in this country. As a politician he may not be everyone's cup of tea but in terms of PR coups his period of office has been blessed with successes that Alastair Campbell could only have dreamed off. Robbie Williams re-joining Take That, Prince William's wedding, The Queen's Golden Jubilee, The 2012 Olympics, England winning the Ashes in Australia, Andy Murray winning a major title, a British winner of the Tour de France for the first time in 75 years, Europe winning the Ryder Cup in amazing style and a royal baby on the way.

As to possible future crowd pleasers – I have always considered the Queen abdicating to be a non-starter, likewise Philip bungee-jumping, Charles appearing on Strictly Come Dancing, Ed Milliband appearing on the Muppet Show, Enya announcing a world tour or an Abba reunion concert.

Discovering a formula for fat-burning chocolate or a sustainable energy source that would allow the average domestic fuel bill to be reduced by 90% would be welcome, though improbable.

If there was any justice in the world then there would be a website listing the home phone numbers of all the directors of companies offering their services assisting with payment protection  insurance or personal injury claims. I feel sure that I am not alone in wishing to cold call some of them at 3 am just to be able to put the phone down or give them a quick chorus of 'Go compare' or ask if they had limescale problems in the bathroom.  Personally, that would boost my spirits no end. I would even be willing to give up the comfort of my warm duvet for one night just to these leaches like being pestered with unwarranted nuisance calls.

Secretly I had pencilled Sir Ran in for a solo trek across the dark side of the moon but given his advancing years and his recent injuries I fear that is looking as likely as Argentina relinquishing its claim on the Falkland Isles.