Autumn v Indian Summer

Hell for Betsy! Its October already – the weather was better than we have had all Summer at the start of the month – 90 degrees in most of the UK while parts of Scotland and Northern Ireland barely scraped into double figures, what can possibly dent the spirits? Oh yes, its Strictly v XFactor yet again. At least we don’t have Big Brother any more – Oh; yes we do – its just moved to Channel 5. If there was ever a good reason to move to the remotest parts of the UK (where signals are sporadic) that alone would be it. It says much for the state of the media sector that we are still being subjected to these stalwarts which have surely passed their best before date, if not their sell by date.

I understand that the change for Big Brother from Channel 4 to Channel 5 was marked by a Celebrity edition featuring such well known luminaries as Jedward, Kerry Katona and Sally Bercow. Thankfully I was on holiday and missed the entire series, for which I was eternally thankful. Not that I have ever paid much attention to the programme, the very concept of which I find a complete turn off. Unfortunately, one of the key motivations behind these programmes is the selling of newspapers, so it is hardly surprising that the antics of some of the house guests are geared towards creating column inches, whether it be good or bad news.

Just when you think that Channel 5 have scraped the bottom of the barrel of Z-listers and wannabes so Strictly and XFactor come up with another crop of lame ducks to disgrace our screens for the next 3 months. I feel certain that the Oxford English Dictionary has a specific definition for the word ‘Celebrity’ however it would appear that each year TV executives are forced to creatively expand on this moniker as they struggle to find applicants willing to subject themselves to the ritual humiliation. There will always be a steady supply of bimbos who’s breast size is larger than their IQ but having sunk to the level of including the wife of the serving Speaker of the House of Commons and a flamboyant Australian Paparazzi photographer you really have to wonder how long it is before we get to meet the grandson of an extra who once appeared in 3 episodes of Crossroads.

As for XFactor, it would appear that it is no longer sufficient for you to be devoid of talent but you need a good cause to be in with a chance of making the final 12 acts. Having struggled to come to terms with the Halitosis that has blighted you since birth or working as a volunteer 7 days a week at a donkey sanctuary more than makes up for the fact that you are tone deaf and have the charisma of a lettuce leaf.

At least with Strictly the producers hedge their bets by ensuring that they can fall back on the professional dancers and the costumes to give the show some sparkle. The pretence of setting up a pensioner TV presenter against a retired sports star half their age seems a far-fetched concept but I feel sure that there are numerous contestants who will view this opportunity as a lucrative alternative to the pantomime circuit.

Probably the strangest of this year’s offerings is Channel 5’s ‘The Bachelor’. The concept of this programme is that eligible bachelor, Gavin Henson, has to ‘road test’ a bevy of 25 potential suitors in a quest to find true love amid a selection of exotic locations. Why couldn’t he simply use eHarmony like any normal person? I have a healthy respect for the Tangoed Welshman’s exploits on the rugby pitch but personally, I can’t see why anyone would wish to share their personal life with the viewing public. He clearly does not need the money and is more than capable of generating his own publicity both on and off the pitch so unless he has an ego the size of Wales (which I have never seen anything to suggest he has) I can’t for the life of me see what on earth convinced him that this was a good project to be associated with. If he were that egocentric then it poses a serious question about the type of girl who would wish to date such a guy.

Fundamentally, apart from Gavin Henson’s mum and friends and family of the potential suitors I do not see the attraction of this programme to a wider audience. Given that the programmes format requires the elimination of a contestant at the end of each programme this would seem to indicate that the audience could be down to the hundreds come the final stages. Unlike many of the other reality TV shows there is no audience participation. Perhaps the show would have more appeal if it was left to the viewing public to choose which contestants to eliminate (A bit harsh on Mr. Henson but then that’s showbiz).

Having only watched snippets from a few of the shows I can’t see how the programme has been structured or how the suspense can be maintained. 25 seems an odd number of contestants to start with. Only in America, it seems, do TV schedules run for 26 weeks and I can’t somehow see that the budget would stretch to a 26 week run with a weekly eviction. Allowing for 2 or 3 evictions each episode would reduce the length of the run but there is still a significant amount of airtime to fill and I am not sure that Gavin or the girls have the personality to sustain anyone’s interest for 3 months. In order to compete with the big boys for the headlines in the run up to Christmas my thoughts are that Channel 5 will pull a flanker, either (a) Gavin will mince off into the sunset with the cameraman or (b) He will have a change of heart and opt for a menage-a-trois or (c) the final contestants will have to mud-wrestle in order to win their man.

TV company bosses have proved in the past that they are reluctant to take a chance on new programme formats, or presenters, in times when budgets are under severe pressure so there is a strong possibility that we will still be sitting down to watch the same old shows for several years to come. With Ant and Dec’s batteries on charge until the New Year it almost makes you wish the BBC would let Andrew Lloyd-Webber lose on our screens again.

New Year Resolution?

Regrettably I have worn a hole in my soap box over recent years and am now having to resort to step ladders in order to get my voice heard. Undoubtedly it is a case that the older I get the more there is that irritates and I am of a disposition of fighting for causes I believe in rather than tamely capitulating and allowing all and sundry to get away with blatant injustice.

I recognise that this is a futile gesture given that the world is in such an appalling state, but I would rather put my two-penny-worth into the pot whilst I still have the energy to put up a fight.

I am still itching for the first silicon-enhanced Barbie doll shop assistant to utter those dreaded words “Ah, bless him” in my direction. Not that I have any propensity for violence but I am curious to know whether botox would improve or lessen the appearance of a black eye.

I have avoided the January Sales, just as I have done for every other month in the calendar, on grounds that it might be tempting fate. This cold snap has enabled me to catch up on some of my studies, watch a few DVDs, see a few friends and play the old Christmas game of spotting the actors in classic films that are still alive. Not that I watch a lot of TV these days. I particularly detest the way that TV presenters address the issue of the day as if the entire population existed in the same rarefied atmosphere that they do. Sadly, we do not all live in penthouse apartments in the city and employ our own nanny and personal fitness trainer. Anyone who can regularly blow 20 quid on a cappuccino and a sarnie is not a fit person to convey news of global atrocities or economic realities to the bewildered masses.

By the BBC reckoning anyone living in a house worth less than £500,000 is living beneath the poverty line. Heaven for betsy! There are even some presenters who don’t earn that amount in annual expenses. Poor things!

It makes me furious listening to these jibbering buffoons and their guests ranting on about how we are coming out of recession. Every day it seems there is yet another major employer going bust or laying off 1000s, can’t these politicians read or are they just so pre-occupied with filling in their expenses claims. ‘Green shoots’ they say; the only green shooting I’m interested in involves a blank wall, a handful of politicians and a loaded ouzi.

I also can’t see that the BBC is doing much to help with educating future generations, though I accept that the role of TV has changed thanks to the influence of computer games and other distractions. ‘Yoof’ TV seems to be an endless procession of bizarre music videos, comic book cartoons and American imports cobbled together by hyperactive continuity presenters who, if they behaved the way they do anywhere else other than in a TV studio, would almost certainly be locked up for their own protection. I assume that these individuals are recruited from drama schools since there seem to be few discernable characteristics that would link them with the kids one encounters daily in the street.

I am fully conversant that anyone between the age of 10 and 25 is physically incapable of communicating in anything other than primeval grunts. I am told that some have become accomplished in the art of texting, which is nice for them, even if they have yet to master the art of spelling and have very little to say to one another. It never ceases to amaze me that these very people, who are seemingly unable to string together a sentence of more than 10 words, can talk for hours given the opportunity to phone someone (often a complete stranger and usually at someone else’s expense). Even allowing for the fact that 30% of all conversation is ‘dead air’, that is still a lot of small talk in anyone’s language.

Still, I would not wish to be a teenager these days, the prospects seem very bleak in terms of employment opportunities and getting onto the housing ladder. I, now in my 50s, am still studying, because my industry has a shortage of qualified people. And where have my qualifications got me? Well, I spent 2 days before Christmas sitting in a client’s office making a note of the number of faulty telephone calls the company receives on a spreadsheet. It is a job that a 16 year old could do yet, the company insisted they need someone with my technical experience to do the work. I was even told that I was not to be pro-active meaning that I had to wait for users to come to me with their problems. I had 2 faults reported in a day and a half, neither of which has anything to do with the telephone system!

1. Can the volume on the headsets be adjusted? – No, because users then turn the sound down in order that the phone can’t be heard ringing. Quite an important factor you would have thought within a call centre.


2. Why does the department lose so many calls when an incoming call moves from a designated extension to a group call? - Simple, when someone is away from their desk it means that the call is diverted and someone else needs to pick the phone up, which no one does.


It is very typical within the IT industry to find people in such a situation as mine, being utilised to do work that has nothing to do with their particular skill set. The number of places I have worked where the software engineer is a web designer by trade, or the network administrator trained as a programmer. It is a total waste of resources, but you take what work you can get these days. You wouldn’t expect to ask Simon Rattle if he could play the spoons because you already had too many conductors with the BBC Symphony Orchestra.

As far as I can see the only growth industry in this country is in training, an industry that is normally the first to be hit during a recession. No matter what your trade there will be a necessary qualification. Usually it is a case that once you have achieved that qualification you will either be informed that the qualification is no longer relevant and you need to take an upgraded version of the exam or, alternatively, you will be advised that the qualification will need to be renewed within 2 years. It is a self-perpetuating cycle that guarantees a regular income to the exam provider and eternal poverty to the unfortunate employee.

I can foresee the day when no one will have a career any more and the entire workforce will be on a continual cycle of retraining for industries that can’t attract anybody to work in it, the chief reason being because everybody is on training courses.

Forget all idea of being able to walk into a £40k+ job on the back of a degree. There are only so many opportunities for media consultants and marketing analysts. The best hope for most is a £14K job in a call centre. Perhaps my niece’s generation had it right all along – most of her peers wanted to become hairdressers, though I guess that most of them will now be single mums, living in social housing with their 4 x 4’s (4 kids by 4 different fathers).

Given that most employers operate a flexi-time policy I can’t see what all the fuss is about yoof having problems getting off their backsides in the morning. Most of the graduates I have had the misfortune to work with have displayed a marked indifference to personal hygiene, poor communication skills and a lack of basic common sense that should place them on the ‘at risk’ register.

Exactly what type of degree do you require to become a media consultant? Surely a quick flick through a few the tabloids would teach you all the skills you would need. What more valuable tool in life can one want than a degree in ancient Celtic dialects. Would King Canute have been more successful had he possessed a degree in wave management? – You can tell that I am getting bored now, since I can’t think of any rational explanation of why King Canute should enter my mind.

I better go and make a snowman and cool off.

Festive Frolics!

Festive frolics, Funlovers! Welcome to the Annual Yuletide Yawn, that glorious celebration of excess that now extends from the MidSummer Equinox through to Lent. We are about to reach the centrepiece of that extravaganza where for 12 whole days all sensibilities are suspended as we embrace the myth that The Nativity was an Andrew Lloyd Webber production.

Last year my ‘celebrations’ were interrupted by ‘carol singers’ or should I say a callow youth of a neighbour who sang ‘Hark the Herald angels…’ but then forgot the words. Since he had spent the greater part of the Summer kicking a football into my parked car I restricted my appreciation to a single walnut which I suggested he share with his ‘backing singers’, a group of fellow acne-ridden, tuneless warblers who were skulking behind the hedge. That was perhaps the highlight of the entertainment last year. In anticipation of a lean and unedifying diet of TV I shall be forsaking the box in favour of collection of DVDs that I have been saving for just such an occasion.

I will no longer have to watch a stream of holiday ads for places that no one can afford to go to any longer. Nor will I have to watch 2 weeks of ads from celebrities for their latest offerings, interspersed with programmes of celebrities promoting the self-same offerings (most of which will be pulped come February).

It is not that I am anti-Christmas, I used to enjoy Morecambe and Wise, the 2 Ronnies, Turkey dinners, Top of the Pops and falling asleep before the Queen’s speech had finished. It is just that I preferred things the traditional way – My version of Cinderella never ended with Prince Charming and Buttons entering into a Civil Partnership. It was not Jack and the Beansprout, due to arts council underfunding or failure to secure planning permission and Widow Twanky never ran an eco-friendly laundrette. Peter Pan, I understand, has been banned by some councils because of the drugs connotations. Maybe Peter et al had been on the magic mushrooms but I never left the theatre thinking ‘I must throw myself out the bedroom window to see if I can fly’.

At least I grew up in an age when I could appreciate the difference between real life and fiction, I am not so sure that the younger generation will be allowed to learn that there is a difference given that they are being spoon-fed a diet of soaps and reality programs which they perceive to be the way that normal people behave. Crash test TV may be good for audience ratings but is it really entertainment?

And now we learn that Simon Cowell wants to bring the X-factor to politics! If anyone knows how to take a group of talentless no-hopers, milk them for all they are worth and leave them as a group of talentless no-hopers then he can, but I for one will not be watching.

Why stop there, let’s have ‘Politics Swap’ – Gordon Brown and Robert Mugabe swap places for a month! Why not give Parliamentary Question Time the World Wrestling Federation treatment – take hype to the extreme.

It will take more than Simon Cowell to persuade me to turn out at a polling station on a wet Thursday in March to vote for an overpaid self-promoting peacock of any political affiliation. If they wanted to make politics more interesting then perhaps they could start by having a Celebrity Guest Speaker of the House, that way they could save on John Bercow’s generous salary (unless they were to employ Jonathan Ross for a day). Letting Kim and Aggie, John Sargeant, Kermit, Bruce Forsyth, the Teletubbies or Timmy Mallet loose in the House of Commons might be fun. I’m sure Christopher Biggins would be itching to get his wig and tights on. In hindsight Brucie is probably not a good choice, he might feel too at home with all those doddery old farts.

Here’s hoping that the next decade will be better than the one we are soon to be leaving.

Have a great Christmas.