Going out with the tide

It has been a strange old start to the year. Like millions of others I have coughed and spluttered my way through January and into February feeling pretty debilitated without actually succumbing to a dreaded bout of the flu. I have partly been expecting a message from Tim Peake on the International Space Station informing me that my nose can be seen from space. I simply don't have the complexion to carry off a bright red hooter.

It is hardly surprising that so many people have been ill since the weather in the UK has yo-yo'd between sub-zero and balmy. Daffodils could be seen in January and bird migratory patterns have been disrupted. If nature is baffled by the constant changes in the weather pattern then what chance do we mere mortals have contenting with the elements. Barely a day has passed since early December when there hasn't been a story about some part of the UK being flooded or battered by high winds.

My knowledge of meteorology hits the buffer at anything more demanding than admiring the cloud formation in a beautiful sunset but even I know that the arrows on the national weather forecast usually indicate a south-westerly wind blowing in from the Atlantic. My basic understanding is that hurricanes that do so much damage on the East Coast of America and the Caribbean Islands 'hitch a ride on the Gulf Stream' and get blown across the Atlantic towards Europe. Perhaps that is where my mind goes misty – in my understanding a stream is a babbling brook while the Atlantic is a massive, powerful ocean – so what happens when a brook and an ocean collide?

Even more baffling is why several hardy groups of adventurers would want to row across the Atlantic at this time of year. Not only are they racing in ridiculously small boats but it would appear they are rowing against the oncoming Hurricane Bert, Fred, Daisy or whoever's turn it is to seize the limelight. I can only admire the courage, dedication and tenacity of those that are undertaking this challenge. Regrettably there is as much chance of me volunteering to spend 3 months being tossed about by giant waves in a glorified bathtub as Jeremy Corbyn being elected President of the Tailor's Guild. In fact I would go so far as to say that it is on my list of the top 50 things to avoid doing before I die.

The headlines over recent weeks (and likely to dominate for months to come) seem to have been dominated by David Cameron, Donald Trump, Kim Jong-un, President Assad and Jose Mourinho. If someone would care to cast them all adrift in a small boat then I doubt there would be too many people raising any objection.

I've just had strange palpitations at the thought of Donald Trump, Kim Jong-un and Jeremy Corbin locked in a nuclear bunker fighting for control of the red button.

Turning to football, I like many others am now a fan 'on loan' to Leicester City until the end of the season. Their rise to the top of the Premier League this season has been phenomenal. In a season that has seen so many of the big clubs under-performing they have managed to capture the headlines for all the right reasons, playing an entertaining and effective game and without the histrionics of multi-millionaire superstars. If they continue to play the way that they have done throughout the season so far then there is no reason they cannot top the table come May. Much as I would have liked to see Arsenal win the league I would really like to see Leicester succeed if only see the bookies have to pay out those die hard Leicester supporters who managed to place a bet on the club at the start of the season when the odds were 5000/1.

The start of the year has also seen the untimely deaths of David Bowie, Ian 'Lemmy' Kilmister, Alan Rickman and Sir Terry Wogan. I had become so used to seeing the TV news dominated by images of flooded homes from around the country and waves of refugees fleeing conflicts in Africa and the Middle East that ordinarily, any other topic would have been received as a welcome distraction. Clearly the BBC management thought a change in direction was overdue since the news coverage for several days following the announcement of Bowie's death was dominated by tributes from all and sundry interspersed with repeated clips from their extensive archive charting his career. What I found particularly irritating was the fact that many of the reports were virtually lifted from the wikipedia pages, so much cheaper than sending reporters to research a story.

I can't say that I was the greatest of fans though I did admire his ability to continuously push musical boundaries in new directions. I was at secondary school when Ziggy Stardust rose (and fell). There were a few of the lads who sported the famous red mullet and some of the local kids used to hang around outside his Beckenham home but there were numerous other bands vying for supremacy in the playground in those days, not least Led Zeppelin, Roxy Music, Rod Stewart, Pink Floyd, Genesis and Yes.

A lot of the Bowie tributes seemed to emanate from Brixton, where he was born and lived till the age of 6. Having lived in the neighbourhood he grew up in I was interested to see how his death was being 'celebrated' in the area. The Three Tuns (now the Rat and Parrot) in Beckenham, where he used to perform as part of the Beckenham Arts Lab have honoured his contribution with a plaque since 2001. As far as I could make out all that Bromley Council did following his death was put out a press statement acknowledging the fact that David Bowie had once lived in the borough, though I do seem to remember seeing somewhere that they were intending to 're-double' their efforts to provide some form of recognition for him when they renovate the Bandstand at the Beckenham Recreation Ground, a venue he famously played in 1969. Given the present state of local authority finances I would assume that this could amount to a sticker sized plaque on the side of a rubbish bin – not quite the same as the mural that was created of him in Brixton.

The sad part is that his death came 2 days after the release of his latest album of new material which has received much critical acclaim. Though I would prefer to think of it as a joyous achievement that he was able to complete the album prior to his death. I can't but help recalling that both John Lennon and Freddie Mercury released seminal albums shortly before their deaths, I hope it is not a trend for others to follow.

Much like Bowie, Terry Wogan and Lemmy had been around for so long at the top of their game that it is hard to conceive the idea of a world without them - such is the nature of icons.

I am just about old enough to remember the days of Late Night Extra, an early venture at the BBC for the veteran broadcaster. Personally I preferred his earlier successes to those post global domination. There is no argument that he was immensely charming and talented though I did feel there was a point in his career when he became a caricature of himself. The ability to speak on the radio in a manner that audiences perceive as an intimate conversation between the presenter and the listener is a difficult skill to perfect and one that he recognised very early in his career. I think it was when Spitting Image came up with their quirky take on the Wogan Blarney that he seemed to try and ape the jocularity of the puppet creation. Unlike the puppet he didn't have to try to be funny, he was at his best when he was being natural and bouncing off his audience and guests – that is what great entertainers do, and he was up there with the best.

A party political broadcast on behalf of The Unelectables – or Who cares who wins?

So game is on and the election battle is off to a rip roaring yawn. The most closely fought contest since the … the last one.

The fact is that the major issues remain the same, as do the stock answers. The health service, the economy, immigration, education, housing, transport and pensions have always been the key concerns, always have been, always will be. The bottom line is that we all want utopia, there is only so much money in the pot and it all comes down to how the spoils from the pot is divided. Fundamentally there are more problems than there are solutions and it comes down to politicians to put whatever spin and window dressing on the situation they can to make their party look different from the rest. The election run in is not the for radical thinking so my guess is that we are in for another mud-slinging contest.

I would no more wish to be a politician than stick my head in a kitchen blender, far too much finger wringing, back stabbing and baby kissing for my likes, however in the spirit of contention I would like to put forward my own thoughts of what I would like to see in a manifesto. Not that I expect that my proposal would be adopted because it wouldn’t work, proposals seldom do, but at least it would be a more entertaining debate than the usual fodder.

My proposal would be to extend the day from 24 hours to 26 hours which would not only produce a variety of benefits, which I shall outline, but also go a long way to solving some of the unanswered questions to the key concerns listed above.

This may seem like a ludicrous idea though I do believe it does have a number of merits.

It would need to be a 2 hour increase so that you could spilt am and pm into whole numbers.

An additional 10 hours to the working week would bring a boost to the economy through productivity and taxes. Those in employment could see a rise in their income of up to 30%, while this will also be an opportunity to create thousands of new jobs. More money in our pockets with more time to spend it.

Those who like to party will have more time to do so, while those who claim they do not get enough sleep will get longer in bed.

There would be the equivalent of an additional 28 shopping days till Christmas, giving us more time to ponder what to buy our loved ones. If like me you struggle with this task the good news is that we will have fewer Christmases and birthdays in the future.

The extra 2 hours will give the government an opportunity to cram ever more ridiculous demands into an already overcrowded school curriculum and more time for students to complete their homework.

Students staying on longer at school should see an improvement in grades and there should be a welcome decrease in youth unemployment.

With the extra 2 hours even the most inept transport provider should be able to ensure that their buses or trains run to schedule. The potential for staggering journey times should lead to a drop in road congestion. It should also free up slots in the air reducing the need for a new runway at Heathrow Airport.

It will mean that patients will spend fewer days in hospital, freeing up much needed beds. The average pregnancy will be 3 weeks shorter than at present. The number of work days lost due to sickness will drop. Hospital waiting times will be shorter and those on daily tablets will not have to take their medication for so long, reducing the NHS drugs bill.

Those who believe that the legal system is too lenient on criminals can take heart from the fact that sentences will now be longer.

One of the biggest problems that this country faces is that there are more of us living longer lives. Increasing the length of the day addresses this problem by ensuring that life expectancy, which also helps reduce the pensions bill and the demand for home care for the elderly.

Some may view a shorter life expectancy as a negative factor but on the positive side we will not age as quickly, so no one will be worse off.

Assuming that most people will continue to eat 3 meals a day, increasing the length of the day by 2 hours should see no, or minimal, increase in our food bill which would effectively mean that the cost of our weekly shop would go down and this would reduce the effects of obesity in society.

As I see it, there are 2 downsides to this proposal, for the situation to work it would require the rest of the world to adopt the same option and extend their day. This may not be beyond the realm of possibility given that most of the other countries are in a similar financial mess and have just as few ideas of how to get out of a crisis.

The other concern is the impact it would have on nature. This again is possibly not so problematic. Climate changes would be largely unaffected but items such as bird migratory patterns and crop growth may. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on your view, modern techniques have already dealt with timing issues for milk, seed and egg production. As for the birds and the flowers, well they are probably already confused by our fickle weather conditions but nature is very dynamic and adaptable so maybe the impact of any change would be minimal.

In the longer term there would be a changing of the seasons which could bring further challenges that may work in our favour. Heatwaves in November might expand the tourism market, removing the bottleneck for July and August breaks. It may also mean that our highly paid golf professionals who seem to play a disproportionate number of tournaments in exotic places where the sun always shine may find themselves on waterlogged or windswept greens in the middle of July. It would be nice to see how they get on in conditions more suited to the enthusiastic amateur.

There might be problems with future Winter Olympics being held in Summer conditions, but if they can hold the Soccer World Cup in Qatar in December then perhaps this will not be an issue. Personally I would look forward to seeing the ski jump turned into a water slide though I suspect that will never happen.

Doubtless there will be detractors who will be argue that it will mean the demise of the traditional clock. We are living in a digital age, changing the watch face should not be too difficult. There will be campaigns to keep the grand time pieces such as ‘Big Ben’ – you mean the ‘Big Ben’ at the crumbling halls of Westminster, the one that would probably disappear if parliament was ever relocated? Decimalisation saw us change from the old £-s-d to new pence yet the value of the pound did not change overnight, why should changing from 24 to 26 hour days be any more difficult?

That just leaves the housing shortage and immigration issues to be tackled, both far too complex for me to contemplate in my lifetime no matter how long the day is.

Bemused, bewildered and befuddled.

Having reached a stage in life where I have had to come to terms with hair growing in places that have hitherto served no other purpose than lend a certain symmetry to my face. It would seem that the growth of hair from ears and nostrils is inversely proportional to the recession on my scalp. This in itself has come as no great shock though I am more perplexed by the transformation on my legs. In my youth I fear I could have been mistaken for a hobbit, such was the abundance of hair on my feet and shins but just as the years have crept up on me so has the hair on my lower extremities. I guess it is one more of life's great imponderables of which there seems to be an abundance at the moment.

Britain has announced this week that it is at the forefront of technology in trialling driverless cars which probably signifies that we will be at the bottom of the league within 15 years having sold off the rights to any breakthroughs we may make to foreign competitors. This caught my eye because I am toying with the idea of replacing my car. It may be many years away but the thought of being able to drive from London to Edinburgh and sleep most of the way is quite appealing though I am not sure that I would be too confident relying on computer technology alone to control the vehicle. Perhaps it is not such a bad idea given that 70% of all road accidents are attributed at least partially to human error. To all intents and purposes there is no real need for a pilot to fly a plane, then there is not so much traffic in the air and it will be a brave airline that would wish to be the first to dispense with their flight crew.

Quite apart from the technology is the way in which this form of transport may be used. In this age of litigation the ramifications for the insurance industry would be huge. Who would be to blame? Who would you sue? By the time you have finished reading this article I would imagine that there is some embryonic business ready to target those who have been injured by these vehicles or mis-sold such insurance. It would be nice to see this technology used for public transport but considering that the technology would be designed to avoid pedestrians how would a vehicle know whether a pedestrian was an obstacle or waiting for a 'bus'?

Another story in the public eye that has perplexed me is the trial of Dominique Strauss-Kahn, former chief of the International Monetary Fund and one-time potential candidate for the French Presidency who is on trial in Lille accused of helping to procure sex workers for a hotel prostitution ring. He told the court 'I am one of the world's most powerful men. Many people wanted to please me. Women have offered themselves to me ten times. It is nothing unusual to me'. What I can't understand is how he can claim that he was unaware that these girls were being paid to provide services at these parties. What did he think they were doing, tagging along for the champagne and Ferrero Rocher? They may have been there to bonk a banker but it would seem from the trial that the bankers were too busy doing what they normally do, shaft everyone else.

Someone else paying the price for abusing their power this week is Heather Cho, the daughter of Korean Air boss, Cho Yang-ho, who has been jailed for a year having forced one of the South Korean national airline jets to return to the gate at New York last December and offloaded a steward because she was unhappy with the way he served her nuts in the first class section of the plane.

She was prosecuted on charges of breaking aviation law, assault and interfering in an investigation.

There is a great deal of unease in South Korea about the power wielded by a number of family-owned and run conglomerates. It may be that the humiliation is a bigger penalty than the prison sentence.

Sadly all too often power, money and corruption seem to go hand in hand. No chance for me then, money and me are no more than passing acquaintances and even the cat ignores what little authority I claim to have.

Sorry to read that the Fire Service are bracing themselves for an epidemic of 999 calls following the release of the '50 shades of Grey', the film version of the erotic best seller. Funny that, one minute they are wanting to strike over changes to their pension package then suddenly they have no problem filling shifts when it comes to freeing couples who have had unfortunate accidents with handcuffs or vacuum cleaners.

2 other wonderful pieces of disjointed government thinking – the tories want reduce benefit payments to those who claim they are too overweight or dependent on drink/drugs to leave the house. Trying to force them into work through poverty isn't going to work, especially for those who are so overweight that the only way that they can physically get out of the house is with emergency services assistance. And in another piece of inspired thinking it has been suggested that schools should be including 'happiness classes' in their overstretched curriculum. Maybe if they put more emphasis on teaching pupils their multiplication tables in year 1 instead of by year 6 then they wouldn't be so stressed out and in need of 'happiness classes'.

While I continue to ponder the perplexities and injustices that punctuate our strange existence it is worth remembering that not every cloud has a silver lining and there will always be someone worse off than you – somebody out there is going to have to live with the knowledge that the first record they ever bought was 'Mr. Blobby'. Now that was a crime against humanity.