The Chronic ails of Narnia

Once again the Annual Political Bunfest is upon us, not that you would have known it without the hype from the press. Meaningful soundbites have been few and far between, which is a sad reflection of the times in which we are living and the lack of any cohesive strategy to get the country out of the deep economic mess from any of the parties. Even the obligatory bouts of personal mudslinging have lacked any real conviction this year.

Strangely, I have found myself studying David Cameron more closely than I would care to admit. He cannot help his upbringing, he will forever be an ‘Etonian toff’, and he should be happy with the hand that life has dealt him. To portray himself as a ‘normal everyday geezer’, ‘a man of the people’, is about as convincing as William Hague in a baseball cap. 

Ed Milliband dedicated a great part of his keynote speech to how ‘normal’ an upbringing he had. ‘Beaker’ may have attended Haverstock Comprehensive School but not every pupil has 2 successful and celebrated academics for parents. Nor do they go on to study at Oxford and Harvard.

John Major was not averse to talking up his humble family background and Margaret Thatcher would  often play on her ‘grocer’s daughter from Rochdale’ roots. Personally, I find such references rather unnerving and patronising to the point of nausea. I would no more wish to see the country run by someone brought up in an inner city tower block with just a GCSE in woodwork to their name than I would welcome the spectacle of Vince Cable sporting an earring ,an eyebrow piercing and with a large spider’s web  tattoo on his neck. Of course, every party strives to endear themselves to the widest range of voter, but it is buttock-clenchingly insulting when they do not credit the electorate with the ability to spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing. 

       

When I say that I am studying David Cameron I should explain that I am examining his footprints and  checking for signs of pedicel growth. His recent speeches talk of difficult changes and growth which I believe are a veiled reference to his own personal wellbeing. His political rhetoric would clearly indicate that he is living, as he believes we all are, in a weird utopian world, which I (for one) don’t recognise, and I am simply seeking the evidence of cloven hoof and horns to prove my suspicions that he is, in fact, Mr. Tumnus.

Anyone who believes that this country is in the throws of economic recovery is clearly living in the world of Narnia. The only reason that the jobless total has fallen is that there has been a boom in coffee and fast food outlets – this is all well and good up until we hit the point of a coffee shortage when booming prices will force many of these new enterprises to close, and we will have a glut of Baristas swelling the dole queue.

David Cameron may trumpet increases in the number of doctors, dentists, nurses, etc. but the problems within the NHS are still escalating. Fuel costs are increasing, manufacturing costs are increasing, youth unemployment is rising and the only people in receipt of pay rises are company directors. Every time I visit the local shops I notice that more shops have closed and that food prices have risen. The police and the military are being forced into reducing their numbers and there are still several years of cuts in public services ahead.

He talks of the necessity for people to make cuts and the need for more entrepreneurs. In focusing on the public sector he seems to have forgotten that there are a great number of private enterprises who rely on, and have been just as badly affected by the cuts made to this country’s public services. At the same time as we are being asked to make cuts we are being asked to make savings towards our long term needs in retirement. Those at the top may be in a position to adjust to the economies being asked of us all but for the majority of those on middle or lower incomes every enforced cut is a major blow and there comes a point where there is no more water in the well.

True, we are a victim of the global economic climate along with everybody else. Thankfully we are not in the position of Greece, Italy, Spain, Portugal or Ireland but Britain is certainly not Narnia and the only thing at the back of my wardrobe is a manky old pair of trainers.

Frontline birth

Up until today I had never given any thought to the prospect of a soldier giving birth on the field of battle. Today's news of the birth of a baby boy to a Royal Artillery gunner in Afghanistan has rather altered my perception of modern warfare. As I read the story on the BBC website images of Tom Hanks in the film 'Saving Private Ryan' came to mind. His anguished face barking out commands to his troops in the midst of battle, with gunfire and explosions happening all around him. “.. more smoke … give me covering fire! … incoming RPGs … take cover …sniper at 2 o'clock … medic! … we need more ammo … grenades … mortars ... forceps?”

The baby, who is in a stable condition, was conceived before the start of the servicewoman's tour of duty and was born 5 weeks premature at Camp Bastion after the unnamed gunner complained of stomach pains.

Pregnant service women are banned from front line duties and all service personnel, male and female, are given pre-deployment medical checks based on their role however, women are not routinely given pregnancy tests.

It gives a whole new take on the serviceman's slang of 'grunt'. 

 

What prisoners watch on TV

A recent enquiry under the freedom of information act has revealed a number of interesting snippets about the TV viewing habits of prison inmates in the UK. According to the MOJ prisoners are allowed to watch a selection of free to air channels as well as the BBC and ITV stations. Within some privately run prisons a limited number of subscription and satellite channels are also available to selected inmates. The provision of a small TV set and the ability to watch TV in your cell is reportedly conditional on good behaviour, though the definition of good behaviour was not specified. One prison officer reported that an inmate had thrown his television at an officer, smashing it to pieces, within an hour the inmate had been given a replacement TV. 

The report goes on to mention that the soaps and the digital channel E4 were particularly popular within the women’s prisons while Sky Sports News was the channel of choice within male establishments, though the service was withdrawn when it became a subscription only service.

I am not advocating that all prisoners should be flogged daily or strung up to the wall by their thumbs, though I do think it was a missed opportunity when the country stopped shipping our most notorious felons off to the colonies. 

It should be remembered that a great many of those that find themselves detained at Her Majesty’s pleasure have mental health issues, or self-inflicted ailments resulting from drink or drug abuse. Undoubtedly support, training and rehabilitation will assist a few in turning their lives around, just how much support inmates should receive will always be open to question.

There are those that would argue that anything short of conjugal visits is a denial of human rights. It is usual for the people who espouse this policy to overlook the human rights of the individuals who have suffered as a result of the actions of the person who perpetrated the crime.

Crime and punishment being such a political hot potato whoever happens to be in government will always look to talk up the successes of their particular policies, however ill-conceived or inept they may be. This situation seems to have spawned a breed of prison inmate who views the system as a way of life and quite enjoy the ‘holiday camp’ atmosphere. Free food and accommodation, no utility bills to worry about and if you’re lucky enough you might be able to come out with a degree to your name, a job to go to and no student debt.

Let’s not forget that the reason for these people being incarcerated is because they have transgressed the law by inflicting pain and suffering on their victims. It is the taxpayer who is funding the prison system the primary purpose of which is to punish those who have broken the laws of the land. Being deprived of a choice of TV should not be considered a denial of basic human rights. If prisoners want to watch TV in the pricacy of their cell then the TV they are allowed to watch should be appropriate to their status. No more casing the joints on ‘Antiques Roadshow’ or ‘House in the country’. Forget ‘Eastenders’, ‘Corrie’ and ‘Big, fat, gypsy wedding’ there should only be 2 choices available for inmates to watch – the food channel and a 24-hour loop with back to back episodes of ‘One man and his dog’. 

Stuff that funky gibbon

Researchers in Japan have learned that Lar gibbons (or white-handed gibbons as they are also known) use the same vocal techniques as human soprano singers when tested in an environment rich with helium. Scientists claim that the gibbons are able to control the frequencies of their vocal tracts in the same way as a humans do.

And here was stupid, tone-deaf little me thinking that it was in fact the other way round. I have long considered the high pitched warblings of some of our best known soprano singers bear remarkable similarity to the random agitated screechings of certain endangered primates. 

I am unsure as to why anyone would wish to expose these angelic looking creatures to helium but would assume that the resulting ‘tunes’ were more satisfactory than had the experiments been carried out on humans.

Can we expect one day to see a gibbon taking to the stage at Glyndebourne? How long will it be before Sir Tom Jones releases a record backed by a choir of gibbons?

As I write, I have visions of Simon Cowell drifting across the Indonesian peninsula in a helium filled balloon, recorder in one hand and contract in the other. One bag of hot air inside another.