Dog’s gonads and dog’s breakfast

In 1968 I had an epiphany, which I consider was pretty good going for a 10 year-old. In a moment of outstanding lucidity I recognised that I would live a lot longer and happier life if I made a conscious effort to avoid watching the first half of any England international football match. For a young lad who spent most of his waking hours chasing a ball of some persuasion around the garden, the playground, the park the sports field or any vacant patch of turf or tarmac I envisaged this to be a daunting challenge. However, history has proved the wisdom of my decision to be sound.

The 27^th June 2016 will forever be remembered for one of the worst displays by any international side in the history of the game. Not only did England capitulated to Iceland in their last 16 match of the European Championship but it was one of the rare occasions that I neglected to follow my own advice and watched the whole game. If England v Iceland had been the 17:00 kick-off then there would have been no problem, I would have bathed the goldfish till half-time, thus avoiding at least part of the embarrassing spectacle. Unfortunately Spain v Italy was the early match; it was a very enjoyable game full of skill, energy, inventiveness, incident and excitement. As a neutral I was not really fussed which side won. On paper Spain were the justifiable favourites, with the nucleus of their ‘golden generation’ intact. Neither side had performed well during the group stages and it was apparent that many for the stalwarts who had performed so well for Italy over the years had retired from the game. I don’t think even the most ardent Italian fan would have expected that their side would perform so well, yet alone go on to win the match.

Even the rain did not spoil the spectacle of a fiercely fault tussle that ebbed and flowed, with touches of brilliance right up until the last kick of the match. It really was the doggie’s doo-dahs.

Fed, watered, entertained and slumped in my armchair I then made the fatal error of deciding to remain for the England game (ok, the alternative would have been to do the washing up).

It was plain to see right from the kick off that the England team were not up for the occasion, unlike the Icelanders who chased down every ball and harried the opposition whenever they lost possession. In contrast the English team looked lethargic and inept with even the simplest of passes repeatedly going astray. Even with the early goal England seemed disinterested. The first thing you are taught in football at any level is that after scoring a goal, you do not switch off, especially during the next 5 minutes, when the opposition are likely to throw everything they have at you.

England didn’t seem to have a Plan A let alone a Plan B. Having made it to half time with just the solitary goal defecit, you would have expected the side to have been given a roasting and come out for the second half all guns blazing. It seems to me that Roy Hodgson used the break to draft his resignation speech. I can’t believe that the manager would come out with a statement only a day before saying that he would not beg for his contract to be renewed. That is the kind of comment you would expect from an arrogant manager and certainly Roy Hodgson is not an arrogant man, which makes you wonder why he said it.

You only have to contrast the 2 matches to see the differences – It is plain to see how the Spanish will attack with their intricate passing, what the Italians will try to do in defence then counter-attack and where Iceland will focus their attention on a solid defence, quick breaks and long throws into the box. Nobody knows where England’s priorities lie; We’re supposedly strong in attack, so we will play our most effective strikers out of position on the wing, why? We select players who have hardly kicked a ball all season through injury, why again? A player is dropped for a match because his confidence is shot to pieces and then play him in the next match in the hope that he may rediscover his form - that is why teams have a squad.

Forget the results, England may have come through the qualifying matches unbeaten but it was clear that even after 10 games there was no cohesive strategy in how the team was set out to play, nor was there any indication as to what format they were supposed to be playing nor who our best 11 players are.

It says a lot that Marcus Rashford was awarded England’s Player of the Match, yet he only came on for the last 6 minutes!

The water carrier for Iceland moved around the pitch quicker than some of the England players and he was about 3 times the size of Wayne Rooney. He probably covered more ground than most of the squad on the night as well.

I happened to be on a training course on the Monday and Tuesday along with a group of lads from other companies. We spent Monday’s lunchbreak discussing the games, as one does, and left in the afternoon suitably enthused about the prospects for the evening.

I would like to think that it was the dedication with which we were concentrating on our training because there was a huge white elephant in the room the following day. A few of the lads were seriously into their football but not one of us wanted to say a single word about either game for the whole day. There were no newspapers, no recriminations, no analysis, no one even asked if anyone had seen the game – it was as if the past 16 hours had been wiped out of our collective consciousness.

Much like the Brexit decision of Britain’s EU Referendum last week, few were expecting the outcome, even fewer were prepared for the result, there is not a lot that any of us can do about it now and there aren’t many people who seem to know where we go from here.

Due Diligence, Deluded Ignorance or Damned Incompetence?

There was a wise old teacher who enjoyed his work even though his classroom was small and dark. OK – It was a long time ago, there was no Ofsted and this is my story! One hot Summer day he decided that he needed a change so he came up with a plan to take his class outdoors. He suggested to his students that he was prepared to conduct the lesson in the shade of the old oak tree on the edge of the school playing fields. He reasoned that the fresh air and change of scenery would help them to concentrate. As an added incentive he was prepared to buy them each an ice-cream but this offer could only take place if they all agreed to the plan. A casual inspection of the damp patches on many of my classmates shirts and their languid expressions I felt sure that the suggestion would receive a good reception. Even the class bully had given up flicking rubber bands at people’s ears as he too wilted in the heat.

To your average hormonally challenged teenager this proposal would be a no brainer but as I said this was a long time ago. Half the class immediately grabbed their books and headed for the door while others whooped in joy. Even those that had fallen asleep were stirred to investigate the commotion. We all ignored the one person who remained at his desk, stoney faced, with his arms folded. As the noise abated he announced to the world that ‘he did not like ice-cream’. In most schools with classes of around 25 you will usually find 1 or 2 pupils who will object to most things for no other reason than to draw attention to themselves. Invariably these pupils are soon tagged by their classmates and subjected to a mixture of scorn, contempt and indifference appropriate to their action. But this student was not one of the usual ‘troublemakers’ leaving the teacher with little option but to withdraw his offer and send a couple of us to retrieve the group that were already half way to the playing field. Despite the fact that there were quite a few of us who would have willingly eaten the spare ice-cream, we dutifully spent the rest of the afternoon cooped up in our stuffy classroom listening to the wonders of ancient Mesopotamia on account of one individual’s obstinacy.

For the past decade every month the MEPs tasked with running the European Community up sticks from their Brussels HQ to attend a 4 day session at their secondary base in Strasbourg. The cost of moving the 1000 MEPs plus equipment, translators, security teams, etc leaves the European taxpayers with a bill estimated to be around £130m per year. The cost of building the second parliamentary building in 1999 was £50m and there are 100 full time staff employed to maintain it for the 12 monthly visits. None of the MEPs see the need to decamp once a month and in a climate of economic austerity all are agreed that this is an unnecessary expense and would like to see it scrapped – except for the French, who have the power of veto on this subject. This is not surprising given the financial boost and prestige that it brings to the region whenever this circus comes to town.

Once again the wishes of the majority are scuppered by a lone objector.

Part of the success and/or failure of the EU is tied into its desire to appease everybody. Think how often a family sits in front of the TV unable to agree on what to watch that evening; compare that to a situation where representatives from 28 countries try to reach an agreement on a single course of action. In my head I see 2 conflicting images, ‘He that pays the piper calls the tune’ and ‘giving turkeys a chance to vote on the future of Christmas’. My head is full of conflicting images, but I am used to it and life goes on no matter my state of confusion.

This is not an article on the European Referendum, for which neither the Remain or Brexit campaigners have put forward a sufficiently good argument for their cause. I think most people will be aware of the key arguments on the debate by now but I’m not sure that anyone could explain the strategies that either camp would adopt were they to win the vote.

In the spirit of fairness I would point to another story that caught my attention this week which demonstrates the UK’s capabilities as a technological and economic power house. Only the British could build an international airport on an exposed hilltop. The new airport on the British dependency of St. Helena in the South Atlantic has taken 4 years to build at a cost of £285m to the taxpayer. Only upon testing the runway was it learned that the crosswinds have posed such a significant problem that it has been deemed unsafe and the opening that was due to take place in May has now been delayed indefinitely. Footage of a British Airways 737 attempting to land showed it lurching from side to side and the wings flapping like a drunken goose. My suspicion is that the preliminary testing was carried out at the same wind tunnel laboratory where the labrats demonstrated the inability of safety glass on high speed trains to survive the impact in collision with a frozen chicken.

At least the choice between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is out of our control. Unedifying as each of them is we Brits can do little but sit back and await the outcome of the US elections in November.

June is usually such a genteel month; the sound of leather upon willow, the trooping of the colour, the smell of the barbecue as thoughts turn towards holidays. This year seems to be particularly busy for all sorts of reasons.

I must admit that the build up to the European Football Championship has been far more entertaining than the political posturing on either side of the pond. This is not simply because for once we have a strong representation by the home countries but it is rarely that I have felt that the English have had a squad with such potential – not being given to bouts of over-enthusiasm it could be ‘the Leicester effect’ or maybe I have OD’d on my hayfever medication.

This weekend sees the climax (or yet another climax) to the Queen’s 90^th birthday celebrations as well as the funeral of Mohamed Ali. Thankfully both stories have managed to force the political rhetoric off the front pages, if only for a few hours. Arguably they are 2 of the most recognised icons of the 20^th century and it is right that we should honour their contributions and achievements. As role models go you can only admire the dignity with which they have lived their lives.

In the background there is also the build up to Wimbledon as well as the Olympic Games in Rio starting in August. The England have already demonstrated their usual inconsistency, doubtless the footballers will follow suit and Andy Murray will put us all through the mental wringer as he frequently has.

With so much going on it would be easy to overlook a story that personally I find quite alarming and significant. One that I feel will run for some time to come – that is the fall out from British Home Stores.

The department store has been a staple of the British High Street since 1928 but has been in decline for many years. Sadly, the company could not live up to their slogan of ‘Modern living, made easy’ and in April they were placed into administration with debts of £1.3bn, which included a £571m pension fund liability and puts 11,000 jobs at risk. With no buyer in sight it will almost certainly mean that the remaining stores will disappear within weeks.

What has emerged since the announcement for liquidation has been the turmoil over the past couple of years that has brought down this company.

Like many department stores their fortunes had fluctuated over the decades but since the start of this century their path had been plotted by serial entrepreneur and City darling, Philip Green. Having bought the company for £200m in May 2000 the then owners sold it in March 2015 to Retail Acquisitions for a nominal value of £1, shortly after which it was announced that 51 of the 171 stores were at risk of closure.

It is only this week that a parliamentary committee has been able to ask some of the questions that seem to have escaped anyone’s attention during this period. Ultimately, responsibility for filling the pension blackhole will fall on the taxpayer, which perhaps explains the government’s belated interest.

What has emerged this week is that Dominic Chappell, the owner of Retail Acquisitions is a former racing driver and entrepreneur who has been declared bankrupt on 3 occasions and had very little experience of the retail sector.

BHS chief executive, Darren Topp, described Dominic Chappell to the parliamentary committee as a "premier league liar" and "Sunday pub-league retailer" who had his "fingers in the till". He went on to explain to MPs that when he objected to a £1.5 million transfer to a company owned by a friend and fellow board member of Dominic Chappell, Mr Chappell threatened to kill him if he made the information public.

Mr. Chappell was quick to point the finger at Philip Green for the failure of the company and Mr. Green is scheduled to give evidence to the committee on Wednesday.

Philip Green’s financial dealings could hardly be described as transparent given that his Arcadia group, the former parent owner of BHS, is owned by Taveta Investments, the company owned by his wife, Lady Tina Green.

Into the mix we can also add yet another billionaire pantomime villain, Mike Ashley, whose efforts to rescue the company amounted to nothing. Just days before, he had agreed to attend the same parliamentary committee to answer concerns about some of the working practices at his own firm, Sports Direct.

It has not been a good week for British business, especially when Brexit have been banging the drum for British industry.

Following the exploits of Robert Maxwell in the 1980s pension rules were changed to ring fence pension funds giving them more protection.

Asset stripping has always been a tawdry part of business life, I am not sure whether the BHS débâcle constitutes pantomime, farce or has the makings of a suspense movie. There should be serious questions about the role of the pensions regulator in this case as well as the need to review a business system that allows someone with a poor track record to take control of a company and devastate so many people’s lives.

They think it’s all over

As the football season approaches the business end for many clubs it is perhaps a good time to reflect on what has been an extraordinary season.

The TV money on offer to the top clubs next season should have proved sufficient incentive to all to remain in the Premier League. That said, I can’t recall a season when so many teams have underperformed. Chelsea had a dreadful start to the season and never recovered. On paper both Liverpool clubs should have been challenging for Champions League positions yet indifferent performances in key matches has cost them dear. Neither Arsenal nor Manchester City have achieved the consistency that would have secured them the league title. That distinction went to the exceptional Leicester City, who started the season as 5000/1 outsiders to win the title.

The turn around since last season, where only a late run of good results saved them from relegation from the top flight has been probably the greatest sporting comeback I have seen in any sport during my lifetime. I really hope they can keep the side together for next season since the blend they have in the squad and the style of football they play would seem well suited to the Champions League.

Manchester United have been consistently poor throughout the season, having seemed to forget where the opposition’s penalty box is, let alone their goal. In a season that has seen so much that is good about the game it is sad to say that with 2 games to go till the end of the season United are still in with a chance of securing the 4^th Champion’s League spot. In most clubs disgruntled supporters leave the ground early, in United’s case this season the supporters have fallen asleep through boredom before they have the chance to walk out. One statistic that I heard this week was that they were ranked 2^nd in the league in terms of possession of the ball yet 15^th in number of shots on target.

On the plus side Tottenham have demonstrated the merits of a great youth team set up that saw them blood several youngsters in their challenge for the title, with many of them home grown players, you would think that they now have a firm base on which to build next season.

Over recent seasons the big money clubs have been able to go out and buy established, big name signings that have brought them success; with the increasing influence of soccer in China, America and the Middle East the competition for top names will be even stiffer so perhaps the emphasis will switch to building a cohesive squad rather than relying on one or two big name ‘match winners’.

Leicester having sealed the title with 3 games to spare meant that the focus now shifts to the more pressing issues of the relegation battle and whether Gary Lineker will fulfil his pledge to present Match of the Day in his underpants should Leicester win the league.

It is perhaps symptomatic of this strange season that the talking point of the week should be whether the Leicester grocer is a boxer or tidy-widey man. Personally, there are more pressing concerns on my agenda than Mr. Lineker’s choice of intimate apparel – Generally I don’t trust presenters who smile too much on TV but my guess is that he is not a thong man.

As to the thorny issue of relegation – Aston Villa have been woeful all season with the off-field antics of their players generating more headlines than their poor performances on the pitch.

My favourite story of the week was a picture of a Villa fan’s car with a broken driver’s window and the caption. ‘Left 2 tickets to the game on the dashboard, found the car broken into overnight and someone has added 2 more tickets!’

The only good thing to come from Villa being relegated is that it gives David Cameron one less thing to crow about.

The remaining 2 relegation places would seem to be between Norwich City, Newcastle and Sunderland. All have been poor throughout the season, especially Newcastle who spent a lot of money on transfers for players who, in most people’s eyes, did not warrant the huge fees and have certainly not done anything to repay the club. Norwich, the eternal yo-yo team, has always had a core of good quality Championship players but no one capable of scoring goals. Their 2 top goalscorers this season have scored 10 goals between them, which is never going to be enough at the highest level. If they are relegated this season, as I think they will be, then it will be the 4^th time they will have been relegated from the Premiership.

Sunderland must be in the driving seat to stay up – they have a game in hand over Newcastle plus they have Sam Allardyce at the helm, who has never managed a side that has been relegated and they have a proven goalscorer in Jermain Defoe.

It will be interesting to see what personnel changes will transpire over the next few months both on the pitch and in management. We already know that there will be changes at Manchester City and Chelsea. There are also question marks concerning Everton, Newcastle and Manchester United. It is plain to see that the big clubs will be getting their cheque books out over the Summer, the European Championship will provide a wonderful shop window for those wanting to play at the highest level, though as we have seen over recent seasons some players who have performed well in Europe and on the world stage have struggled to fit in playing for clubs in England.

The Premier league was at risk of becoming jaded by the strength of the bigger clubs, this season has been like a breath of fresh air.

Roll on next season – Dilly Ding, Dilly Dong.

Lost landmarks – a Brewer’s droop

It seems that every couple of months the press take it upon themselves to mount a campaign to publicise the delights of real ale. Not that many journalists have ever needed an excuse to research the odd tipple or two.

Many articles have been written covering the resurgence of the micro brewery industry while an equal number chart the demise of the local pub, 4 of which are closing every day and have been doing so do for several years.

It was almost an unwritten rule amongst my friends in the 70s that at least one evening per week be dedicated to seeking out a real ale pub we have not previously visited. Living in South London, as most of us did, and with judicial concern given to a driving roster, this gave us plenty of scope to explore the delights of the Kent, Surrey and Sussex countryside as well as some of the quieter London hamlets. I sometimes find myself wondering how many of these watering holes still exist.

Upon reflection it is amazing just how important the British pub has been, not simply as a means of entertainment and relaxation but as a landmark. Whenever I have needed to ask anyone directions invariably a pub would appear as a reference point somewhere in the response. If my grandmother was asked how to get from Keston to Lewisham she would direct you according to the pubs you would pass, yet she never crossed the portals of any of them in her life.

When living in London driving around town was a requirement made slightly less daunting thanks to the local radio traffic reports from the ‘flying eye’. How many of the locations that cropped up frequently on their reports referenced a public house. Anyone who used the A20 or A2 on a regular basis would cringe at the mention of ‘The Dutch House’, ‘The Dover Patrol’, ‘The Sun in the Sands roundabout’, ‘The Yorkshire Grey’ or ‘The Black Prince roundabout’. Most of these hostelries have long since gone though many of these key locations are still referred to by their original names.

Travelling by bus I recall many of the conductors shouting the names of the pub stops with added gusto. Look at any bus route and see how many of the stops are outside local pubs. ‘The Crooked Billet’, ‘The Swan and Mitre’, ‘The Greyhound’, ‘The Garden Gate’, ‘The Green Man’, ‘The Downham Tavern’ - as a schoolkid I used to believe it was because these were where the ‘clippies’ used to jump off for a quick pick-me-up. Driving through Bellingham must have been hell for them because, as I learned later in life, there are no pubs in the area – not sure whether it was due to an oversite by the town planners or some ancient bylaw prohibiting the sale of alcohol in the neighbourhood. Thirsty workers at the Catford Bus Garage or the Robertson’s Jam Factory (later the Franklin Mint) needed to travel to Catford or Downham for their pint of grog.

I recently asked someone for directions to a street I had never heard of. The helpful response I was given was that it was first left past a certain pub, which was useful since I knew where the pub was even though it was turned into a DIY store nearly 15 years ago. There must be some logical explanation why I wasn’t instructed to take the first left past the DIY store. Clearly the image of the old pub was embedded in the psyche of the helpful individual but he did not know that I was familiar with the area so could understand his instructions. Had I been from out of town I could have been miles away and none the wiser for his help.

The thought has crossed my mind that if pubs continue to close at the rate that they have been what will we use as reference points in the future? Shops come and go with increasing frequency and you can’t really use the likes of McDonalds or Costa Coffee as landmarks because they all look the same and chances are that there are at least 2 of them within spitting distance of each other.

Post offices, churches and banks are disappearing almost as quickly as pubs so these possibilities are equally unsuitable as landmarks. Parks are being sold off for development and war memorials are being relocated.

The increasing use of SatNav may have reduced the need for people to seek directions from strangers but GPS coordinates are not landmarks and we don’t all walk around with SatNav or wifi enabled phones.

There were no postcodes when I was growing up, nowadays it seems you can’t go anywhere unless you know the postcode of your destination. If I needed to get from one place to another I would plan my route based on the towns I would be travelling through. Increasingly I find that the younger generation think in terms of taking the A123, the A45, the M67 just to get to the same destination, something I find not only baffling but rather sad. As Patrick McGoohan (Number Six) would say “I am not a number, I am a free man”.

Pubs are not simply landmarks but a part of our cultural heritage, they are locations that the local community can relate to even if they choose not to frequent them. They are part of our history, iconic places that give an area its unique identity and character. With so many of these landmarks disappearing we are not only losing part of our history we too are increasingly likely to be lost in years to come.

A 14 year siesta

Congratulations (I think?) to Joaquín García, a Spanish civil servant, who managed to absent himself from work for 6 years while still drawing his full €37,000 salary from Cadiz City Council. His absence finally came to light when his name appeared on a list of those being considered for a 20 year long service award and the Deputy Mayor decided to contact him.

In 2004 Mr. Garcia was sent to a post at Cadiz Water to oversee the building of a new water treatment plant. A subsequent investigation in 2010 revealed that colleagues at the site had no knowledge of his whereabouts and simply had assumed that he had been recalled to City Hall.

It was later revealed that he may actually have skipped work from as long ago as 1996. The phantom employee made a complaint that it was the council's responsibility to ensure that he attended his place of employment and it was not his fault if they were negligent. He also stated that he had suffered workplace bullying on account of his political beliefs.

When challenged as to what he had been doing during this time he was unable to provide any answer. He also claimed that he feared for his job and was too depressed to report the alleged harassment. He subsequently retired in 2011 and was ordered by the court to repay €27,000 in compensation, the equivalent of 1 year's net salary.

I feel certain that there will be those who will say this could only happen in Spain, but I am equally sure that there will be a few managers in this country who will be having sleepless nights wondering how many phantoms there are on their payroll that have slipped beneath the radar of detection.

The left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing would seem to be a common management mantra in the modern work place so it is perhaps understandable that one department may have no knowledge of another department within the same organisation. Nevertheless to make yourself virtually invisible for 14 years is simply mind-blowing. Do they have no phones in Spain? If I was to leave my desk unattended it would be buried under a mountain of post within a month. What happened to all of this man's mail? Sooner or later someone must have complained or returned the items to the sender. Had no one picked up on the fact that this employee never responded to any of their emails?

There must have been a time when the office needed to be re-decorated, the electrics tested, a fire

drill scheduled or the cleaner noticed that they hadn't emptied a particular waste bin for several months.

You can't blame the guy for wanting to escape. In my days of working as a 'pencil jockey', when staff had to use writing implements instead of keyboards there were 2 thoughts that frequently crossed my mind. If I were to suffer a fatal heart attack at my desk, how many weeks would it be before anyone noticed that I was dead? My work colleagues were predominantly male so it would be unlikely that any of them would pass comment that you had been wearing the same clothes for several days. Nor were they likely to pass comment on any unusually odious smell. It has to be said that there were a few of my colleagues who, from time to time, gave me reason to suspect that they may have expired (probably from boredom).

The other thought that used to cross my mind involved working for a fantasy firm based loosely on my perception of a few dubious characters I had encountered. It is said that staff at banks often while away the hours dreaming of ways to beat the system or what they would do with the money if a sum with a huge number of zeros mysteriously appeared in their personal account. Similarly, the firm of 'Scribble and Scratch' as it became known opened the door to endless opportunities of breaking the tedium of the working day.

The nature of the hypothetical business changed occasionally but ultimately I decided that the scheme I had in mind was best suited to the legal profession, primarily because the underlying principles seem to simply focus on relieving the client of as much money as possible in exchange for the minimum level of service.

To this end neither Messrs Scribble nor Scratch had any formal legal training, preferring to rely on their own version of 'legalese', a technical jargon which sounded plausible to the layman. The pretence was that the couple had worked together in the customer complaints department of some indeterminate company and their legal expertise was gleaned from reading the range of warranties on various goods. Under the rules of the game Scribble and Scratch were on their uppers, working from a garret above a kebab shop. Their office consisted of a shared desk, a phone, a laptop, a dartboard and a kettle.

The idea was to invent scenarios for them to 'deal with creatively' that involved them doing as little as possible. The acquisition of 'money' was not the primary goal, it was the accumulation of points that was the real objective. Points would be awarded based on the nature of the scenario, the time taken to 'resolve' the issue and the inventiveness of the responses. The longer it took to resolve the issue the more chance you had to score points. Nothing was deemed off limits and the more devious or absurd the action or explanation the higher the score awarded. The dartboard was the arbiter of any delays incurred whether it be minutes, hours or days. This could mean the length of time a customer was kept waiting on the phone or the number of days required to obtain a replacement part. Penalty points were deducted if you were required to take any positive action to assist the customer, such as sending a letter (as opposed to simply lying about it). Adhering to the principle of 'one step forward, 2 steps back' it was sometimes advantageous to instigate a positive action in order to open up fresh opportunities to further bamboozle the customer and convince them that you are on the case.

Sadly, technology has moved on, which has rather removed the need for staff to think creatively in such situations. It would seem that the only explanation or excuse required by any individual working in a service industry these days is to blame the technology. The advancement of phone systems now means that customers can be placed on hold for days or transferred from department to department ad infinitum without any human intervention. Some companies either choose to put no contact details on their website or alternatively list so many contact numbers that there is little chance that any customer would be able to get in touch with someone capable of dealing with their enquiry.

It is infuriating to see so many websites where the customer relations department is portrayed as a sizeable group of impeccably groomed, ethnically diverse, grinning faces in ultra modern offices. This seems to be a favourite ploy for local authorities and utility companies many of whom see placing the words customer and service in the same sentence as anathema.

Messrs Scribble and Scratch may have gone to that great garret in the sky but they could equally be sitting on a beach in some tax haven having become insanely wealthy by cornering the market in red tape and doing absolutely nothing.

Going out with the tide

It has been a strange old start to the year. Like millions of others I have coughed and spluttered my way through January and into February feeling pretty debilitated without actually succumbing to a dreaded bout of the flu. I have partly been expecting a message from Tim Peake on the International Space Station informing me that my nose can be seen from space. I simply don't have the complexion to carry off a bright red hooter.

It is hardly surprising that so many people have been ill since the weather in the UK has yo-yo'd between sub-zero and balmy. Daffodils could be seen in January and bird migratory patterns have been disrupted. If nature is baffled by the constant changes in the weather pattern then what chance do we mere mortals have contenting with the elements. Barely a day has passed since early December when there hasn't been a story about some part of the UK being flooded or battered by high winds.

My knowledge of meteorology hits the buffer at anything more demanding than admiring the cloud formation in a beautiful sunset but even I know that the arrows on the national weather forecast usually indicate a south-westerly wind blowing in from the Atlantic. My basic understanding is that hurricanes that do so much damage on the East Coast of America and the Caribbean Islands 'hitch a ride on the Gulf Stream' and get blown across the Atlantic towards Europe. Perhaps that is where my mind goes misty – in my understanding a stream is a babbling brook while the Atlantic is a massive, powerful ocean – so what happens when a brook and an ocean collide?

Even more baffling is why several hardy groups of adventurers would want to row across the Atlantic at this time of year. Not only are they racing in ridiculously small boats but it would appear they are rowing against the oncoming Hurricane Bert, Fred, Daisy or whoever's turn it is to seize the limelight. I can only admire the courage, dedication and tenacity of those that are undertaking this challenge. Regrettably there is as much chance of me volunteering to spend 3 months being tossed about by giant waves in a glorified bathtub as Jeremy Corbyn being elected President of the Tailor's Guild. In fact I would go so far as to say that it is on my list of the top 50 things to avoid doing before I die.

The headlines over recent weeks (and likely to dominate for months to come) seem to have been dominated by David Cameron, Donald Trump, Kim Jong-un, President Assad and Jose Mourinho. If someone would care to cast them all adrift in a small boat then I doubt there would be too many people raising any objection.

I've just had strange palpitations at the thought of Donald Trump, Kim Jong-un and Jeremy Corbin locked in a nuclear bunker fighting for control of the red button.

Turning to football, I like many others am now a fan 'on loan' to Leicester City until the end of the season. Their rise to the top of the Premier League this season has been phenomenal. In a season that has seen so many of the big clubs under-performing they have managed to capture the headlines for all the right reasons, playing an entertaining and effective game and without the histrionics of multi-millionaire superstars. If they continue to play the way that they have done throughout the season so far then there is no reason they cannot top the table come May. Much as I would have liked to see Arsenal win the league I would really like to see Leicester succeed if only see the bookies have to pay out those die hard Leicester supporters who managed to place a bet on the club at the start of the season when the odds were 5000/1.

The start of the year has also seen the untimely deaths of David Bowie, Ian 'Lemmy' Kilmister, Alan Rickman and Sir Terry Wogan. I had become so used to seeing the TV news dominated by images of flooded homes from around the country and waves of refugees fleeing conflicts in Africa and the Middle East that ordinarily, any other topic would have been received as a welcome distraction. Clearly the BBC management thought a change in direction was overdue since the news coverage for several days following the announcement of Bowie's death was dominated by tributes from all and sundry interspersed with repeated clips from their extensive archive charting his career. What I found particularly irritating was the fact that many of the reports were virtually lifted from the wikipedia pages, so much cheaper than sending reporters to research a story.

I can't say that I was the greatest of fans though I did admire his ability to continuously push musical boundaries in new directions. I was at secondary school when Ziggy Stardust rose (and fell). There were a few of the lads who sported the famous red mullet and some of the local kids used to hang around outside his Beckenham home but there were numerous other bands vying for supremacy in the playground in those days, not least Led Zeppelin, Roxy Music, Rod Stewart, Pink Floyd, Genesis and Yes.

A lot of the Bowie tributes seemed to emanate from Brixton, where he was born and lived till the age of 6. Having lived in the neighbourhood he grew up in I was interested to see how his death was being 'celebrated' in the area. The Three Tuns (now the Rat and Parrot) in Beckenham, where he used to perform as part of the Beckenham Arts Lab have honoured his contribution with a plaque since 2001. As far as I could make out all that Bromley Council did following his death was put out a press statement acknowledging the fact that David Bowie had once lived in the borough, though I do seem to remember seeing somewhere that they were intending to 're-double' their efforts to provide some form of recognition for him when they renovate the Bandstand at the Beckenham Recreation Ground, a venue he famously played in 1969. Given the present state of local authority finances I would assume that this could amount to a sticker sized plaque on the side of a rubbish bin – not quite the same as the mural that was created of him in Brixton.

The sad part is that his death came 2 days after the release of his latest album of new material which has received much critical acclaim. Though I would prefer to think of it as a joyous achievement that he was able to complete the album prior to his death. I can't but help recalling that both John Lennon and Freddie Mercury released seminal albums shortly before their deaths, I hope it is not a trend for others to follow.

Much like Bowie, Terry Wogan and Lemmy had been around for so long at the top of their game that it is hard to conceive the idea of a world without them - such is the nature of icons.

I am just about old enough to remember the days of Late Night Extra, an early venture at the BBC for the veteran broadcaster. Personally I preferred his earlier successes to those post global domination. There is no argument that he was immensely charming and talented though I did feel there was a point in his career when he became a caricature of himself. The ability to speak on the radio in a manner that audiences perceive as an intimate conversation between the presenter and the listener is a difficult skill to perfect and one that he recognised very early in his career. I think it was when Spitting Image came up with their quirky take on the Wogan Blarney that he seemed to try and ape the jocularity of the puppet creation. Unlike the puppet he didn't have to try to be funny, he was at his best when he was being natural and bouncing off his audience and guests – that is what great entertainers do, and he was up there with the best.

BBC None - and now for something completely indifferent

The dear old BBC is fast becoming synonymous with Bargain Basement Crud. The standard of television over the festive period shows just how much the quality has dropped over the years. Not only were old programmes being repeated but even certain films and current programmes were being show several times across the week. Is this simply a means to fill the schedules or are the BBC now trying to copy the approach used by many of the digital broadcasters.

In the week before Christmas the BBC announced that they would be pulling out of their contracted coverage of Formula One 3 years early. This year they have also announced major changes to their online coverage as well as plans to move BBC3 from terrestrial TV to online only and reduced coverage of next year's tennis at Wimbledon.

Of course, the BBC are not alone in finding the need to make drastic cuts to meet their budgetary obligations. The loss of the Grand Prix coverage is simply the latest in a significant list of sporting events to be removed from terrestrial channels. In many cases these sporting events have been picked up by the commercial broadcasters who have been more able to finance the purchase of the rights to show these occasions. For many years there has been no live cricket shown on the terrestrial channels and this year live coverage of all European football competitions moved from ITV to BT.

Even in the hayday, when the FA Cup Final warranted a full day of programming with simultaneous live coverage of the match on both BBC and ITV, the BBC always came out on top in the ratings, with superior quality commentary and analysis. Even with shared coverage of recent World Cups few would argue that the BBC's coverage overall was better than ITV's offering. I don't think it can simply be explained away by the need for advert breaks. Personally I find that the coverage of most sporting occasions comes across with more passion and authority on the BBC than it does on its commercial rivals. It could be argued that the coverage of cricket highlights on Channel 5 and the racing on Channel 4 is an improvement on what was available on the BBC, but you should also take into consideration the changes in technology that have made this type of coverage successful.

I don't begrudge any sportsman from earning a decent living from their talents though I do question the ridiculous sums commanded by some of the elite and the hype that goes into promoting these events. One of the highlights of this year was the Rugby World Cup, hosted in this country and televised by ITV. The tournament was terrific, especially the performances of some of the lesser fancied nations but contrast the hype and build up given this year's tournament to that of 15 years ago – Not every game is a grudge match, sport is there to be enjoyed, it is not a matter of life and death, though sponsors seem convinced that the only way that people will watch such a spectacle is to portray it as such.

Maybe this is one of the reasons that I feel that sport on commercial TV has often fallen flat over the years; whereas the BBC have been able to present an opportunity for a viewer or listener to be part of a sporting event be it good, bad or indifferent, the commercial stations feel the need to sensationalise or ramp up the excitement whether it be justified or not.

In recognition of the increasing obesity problems in the country the government are seeking a push this year to encourage more people to get active in sport, I am not sure that reducing the number of sports shown on terrestrial TV will help their efforts.

Returning to funding challenges faced by the BBC, it remains to be seen what effect the cuts will have on their news output. For decades they have enjoyed a reputation as one of the most reliable sources of global news even where there are organisations better placed to provide a superior quality service.

For over 90 years the Met Office has provided the weather forecasting services for the BBC, though their contract is not being renewed since the BBC have been forced to look at cheaper alternatives from next year, which may mean foreign companies providing the information in the future.

Also disappearing from the BBC's output will be 'The Voice', the Saturday night flagship for the New Year. They originally paid £20m for the right to show the programme in this country but have announced that they will not be bidding to renew the contract which runs out after the forthcoming series. This is hardly surprising since one of the companies responsible for the making of the programme has recently been acquired by ITV.

There are those that say that the BBC should not be looking to make entertainment programmes and should simply concentrate on their public service remit. To these people I would suggest they refer to the Royal Charter and Agreement granted to the BBC which is reflected in their mission statement: To enrich people's lives with programmes and services that inform, educate and entertain. The same mantra that Lord John Reith was championing back in the late 1920s.

Just glancing through the TV listings for the festive period reminds you how diverse and successful the BBC's output has been over the years. Morecambe and Wise, The Two Ronnies, Dad's Army, Blackadder, Porridge, Last of the Summer wine, One Foot in the Grave and Dr. Who all turned up in one guise or another on various channels, not just the BBC. Considering that many of these programmes are now over 40 years old it is testament to the creative teams behind these programmes that their appeal has endured.

Old, black and white episodes of Steptoe and Son and the Likely Lads routinely appear on the schedules of other channels. The sad fact is that if you take these programmes, the films, the soaps and the natural history documentaries out of the schedules, what are you left with?

It could be argued that talent shows such as Opportunity Knocks and New Faces have been replaced by X-Factor, The Voice and Britain's got talent – but has it really? What happened to the light entertainment extravanzas. The closest you get to the old music hall format is Live at the Apollo where one comedian follows on from another with a 10 minute routine, what happened to variety?

It is understandable that there have been cutbacks in the production of costly shows but there now seems to be an over-reliance on simple formulaic programmes filling the daytime schedules. Cookery programmes, home improvements, panel shows, game shows and quizzes are cheap to make since they follow a set format and are quick to make. The BBC are as good at making these programmes as anyone else but there seems to be a trend of these programmes crossing over into the peak-time scheduling.

My fear is that the opportunities for new writers and actors is being eroded at a time when public interest in the theatre is on the rise. In the 60s and 70s programmes like The Wednesday Play and Play for Today gave new writers and actors a platform. Writers submitting works for these series included Ian McEwan, John Osborne, Dennis Potter, Stephen Poliakoff, David Hare, Willy Russell, Alan Bleasdale, Alan Plater and Andrew Davies. The producers included the likes of Michael Apted, Lindsay Anderson, Ken Loach, Stephen Frears and Mike Leigh. Thirty-minute Theatre also saw contributions from Dennis Potter, Jack Rosenthal and John Mortimer. Quite apart from some singular notable successes, several ideas were later developed into spin-off series.

Between 1961 and 1975 the BBC also ran a regular series called Comedy Playhouse, a series of half hour one-off comedy shows. The 120 episodes shown across the 16 series spawned 21 sitcom series including Steptoe and Son, Till death us do part, All gas and gaiters, Up Pompeii!, The Liver birds, Not in front of the children, Are you being served? And Last of the Summer wine.

Comedy writers of the quality of Galton and Simpson, Eric Sykes, Spike Milligan, John Sullivan, Dick Clement and Ian la Frenais, David Renwick, Carla Lane, Roy Clarke, Richard Curtis and Ben Elton, David Nobbs, John Cleese, David Croft and Jimmy Perry do not grow on trees. Not all of them were instantly successful though their pedigree now speaks for itself.

There is no set lifetime for a comedy series and longevity is not necessarily a measure of success, only 12 episodes of Fawlty Towers were made, The office (12), Reggie Perrin (21), Some mothers do 'ave 'em (22), Blackadder (24), The Royle family (25), The good Life (30), One foot in the grave (42), Only fools and horses (64), Are you being served? (69), Dad's Army (80), The Liver birds (86), Last of the Summer wine (295).

Compared to that Not going out presently numbers 54 episodes, Outnumbered (34), Miranda (20), Citizen Khan (27), Mrs. Brown's boys (27), The Kumars at no. 42 (53) and Count Arthur Strong (13). I couldn't give you a plot line from any of this list though I give you plenty of them from shows in the previous list.

The questions is in 30 or 40 years time will anyone be watching repeats of Citizen Khan or Count Arthur Strong with the level of affection shown to any of the fore-mentioned, who still regularly top the list of all-time favourite comedy shows.

To me, it is not simply a question of the quality of the writing but also the casting. Nearly all of the great British comedy shows have called on the talents of established theatre actors whereas the modern trend seems to want to produce comic vehicles for comedians which very rarely seems to work. Michael Crawford and Nicholas Lyndhurst were both child actors, Harry H Corbett, Warren Mitchell, Richard Briers and Leonard Rossiter were never comedians, Ronnie Barker and David Jason were character actors, Wendy Craig had been appearing in films throughout the 50s and all the Dad's Army cast came from a theatrical background.

The demands of stand up comedy (being the constant focus of attention) are different from a sitcom, which is often an ensemble piece. Very few people can claim to have been equally talented in standup, sitcom, comedy and straight acting. The only person who comes readily to mind is Robin Williams. The only Brit I can think of who has performed all 4 genres is Lenny Henry though his only claim to fame in a sitcom was the Fosters, in the early days of his career. Alan Davies could possibly tick all 4 boxes though his one outing in a sitcom was dropped after the first series. Eric Sykes is to my mind the most complete package though I don't think he ever did perform standup comedy, despite writing for many of the top comedians over the years.

Back in the 60s the situation was just as tough as it is now, there were only 2 (later to become 3) channels, equipment was heavy and pre-historic by modern standards, the hours of output limited and censorship demands strict. The BBC were even then subject to financial constraints yet they still managed to push the boundaries of what was achievable by being innovative and taking chances. I don't think it is that people are any less creative now simply they are not being given the chance.

Some of the sets in the 60s dramas may have been flimsy and the camera angles may not have been as effective by modern standards but the programmes were far more entertaining than watching a couple from Middle Wallup browsing around a boot fair for 'bargains' that they can sell for a loss at an auction.

The quest for instant success remains the Holy Grail in almost all walks of life, whether it be the next wonder drug, the next Lionel Messi or the next blockbuster movie. The desire is there but the commitment is not. These things do not happen by chance, the narrower your goal the harder it is to hit the target. This is effectively what has been happening for the past 30 years.

How many of the great shows of the past would have seen the light of day in the present circumstances?

A re-introduction of Play for Today, or its equivalent, has been discussed in the past and rejected. The cuts in budgets are hefty and unwelcome but given that they cannot be stopped perhaps this is the time to re-evaluate and look to build for the future. Allow producers to be more experimental, encourage writers to be more creative, forget about viewing figures for a moment and give actors and writers a chance to learn what works and doesn't work on TV.